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OOGLAY'S HUSSEIN'S DIARY
Wear out your filthy unclean American infidel Great Satan mouse fingers! Listen I am Ooglay Hussein and the son of my glorious Father, may he give a fisted beating to you if you are with the evil georgebush. Once I was beaten by my Father long may he reign and two of his body doubles at the same time!! This was bad for me I will tell you now but by the will of the prophet I survived and became stronger. But still this again you must know:
Here is story of first day of your immoral war, infidel pigdogs! I will stil be adding to this thing because so many things went wrong. I am telling you know by the will of Allah it was not a so good day for me...
DAY 1
Hello I am having trouble sleeping. Can I ask for planes to only be stealthy ones? Also the bomb dropping is too loud. I am angry now at stoopid GeorgeBush because I rote to him a nice letter and sed if he wanted to fight dad then he could meet dad at the bunker and i also said exactly when even though dad said he would kill me if i sent that letter i didn't tell him i sent it.
but GeorgeBush did not show up instead the planes came and george bush is a big coward because my dad could beat him up and show it on al jazeera.
Dad is a hero and one day I will be be a hero too and my older brothers will stop making me do the things they make me do that are not heroic at all so i am telling you!!!
So maybe I will give georgebush one more chance to come debate my dad just like dad sed.
And also if you are so great America why you bombs so loud? I need to sleep now. I will tell you more about the war in baghdad later for now goodby Allah be praised.
--Ooglay Hussein
Posted by Ooglay Hussein at March 19, 2003 11:40 PM
Ohh hello again i am still Ooglay and it is so very exiting what i am telling you of what i will be doing in baghdad here today by the will of Allah because the sun has come upward and george bush flew away.
Glorious father saddam for whom we will all die i said why does george bush hate us when he is a republican and we have the republican guards and then father saddam who is all wise smacked my face and spoke ill of my mother.
But then he said he was sorry and now here is what is exiting to me. Glorious Father Saddam says I Ooglay will today be allowed to drive in his fathers biggest Mercedes all around Baghdad!
This is wonderful i am not ugly like my two brothers who are older and make me do things that i think have no word for in your english i learned at university in france. I am not ugly like them i am handsome and look just like glorious father saddam and when i drive through baghdad's glorious streets the people cheer me. Allah be praised.
This way i said okay i am not angry you smacked me and he smacked me again then and now i will be driven around in Baghdad to celebrate driving off the aggressor georgebush in our triumphant victory. my brothers will feel some jealousy i am telling you now!
i will take this my laptop computer so i will tell you about baghdad in the e-mails and i am heroic.
We are triumphant!
Also it is a convertable!
Posted by Ooglay Hussein at March 20, 2003 12:16 AM
And Here i am Ooglay Hussein again and now I have finished the hearing of my glorious father who was talking on the TV but I am only having a radio in this car but still i am now more inspired. You Americans are weak and must tremble. Before he went on tv and i went on the car my father kicked me in my hindquarters and then he fell and broke his good glasses and had to wear the ones my mother bless her soul made him get. He said the kicking made me stronger.
And you are not strong you weak americans you are not even talking to me and i said why dont they talk to me and my slave said that you are all asleep. This is why you Americans are weak because you are sleeping in the daylight and we are getting some things ready hear i am telling you now.
And yes the slave i am having with me is a human shield from america and he tells me what you are like and so this is how we know you are divided coountry and we will defeat you!
Your cowrd president flew away when up came the sun and now he is not bombing on us so my glorious father for whom i cant wait to die for is letting me to drive around baghdad in his convertible mercedes.
And I will not let my slave human shield use my laptop computer to talk. I am cruel and when my older brothers do bad things to me i do bad things to my human shield.
I will make him wear the driver hat and drive me around in the convertible. My brother took my hat away and said not to wear it so everyone could see me and know how much i look like my father and so my mother is pure even if she is ugly as a camel. This is what my brother said and his mother is different. But I did not say it, because camels are not ugly. Now my laptop batery is dying!
Posted by Ooglay Hussein at March 20, 2003 12:54 AM
Okay so you know I am Ooglay and I am cheered in the streets of Baghdad! And maybe the smart ones of you say I have new battery, and I do. And here is why: My slave and I broke into the boarded up peasant store and though first the peasant said he could not help I showed him one of my brother's tricks and then he became very helpful, yes!!
So now we are driving near the Ziggurat. It is an ancient ruin and very much not good for anything because hey, it is 5000 years ago that it was built by infidels! But still the Republican Guard are getting ready to dynamite it now and they have some slaves doing the work and then we will kill them and then blow it up the ziggurat! This will be funny because then we will be blaming the Americans and British and all their other allies who are against the world in this unilateral attack with no UN improvements!
And okay now listen because with Allahs blessings this is my favorite part that my slave has called his organization in America and when we blow this up we will have your Protestors make another big parade! And in London too they will do it and the funny thing is to me that my father for whom these peasants are willing to die in flames hates their communisms!
But that is not why now I am laughing but you cant hear that. It is because i got my solid gold cigar lighter in the dash very hot to light my Cigar and then I didn't want to waste the extra hot in it so I jabbed this human shield's back part of his neck but that's not why I laugh! And he made a funny noise and almost wrecked my fathers most beloved mercedes but that is also not why I am laughing.
I am laughing because I said then "see what a fine little human shield you are" - you see I can make english language joke, eh? I am a French University graduate is why I am the smartest of all my fathers sons.
I am hearing some loud kind of noise tha
Posted by Ooglay Hussein at March 20, 2003 02:20 AM
[3/20/2003 1:52:11 AM |
Okay now yes It is Ooglay in Baghdad now okay and I will tell you the things that happened but first I must say more words about my slave who is american human shield. I enjoy him, you know, but Sean Penn the Actor was a better time I think but we had to be better to him outside but in the palace when my glorious father who gave me life turned away then we would enjoy SeanPenn some more. And we made a movie because he is a movie star and if you little funny american soldiers come to take over maybe you will give this movie to the madonna yor singing american tramp singer who will know one thousand tortues in the life hereafter. The funny part he carried me on his back like a pony but didn't laugh. When he ran off we were a long time til the humanshields came. He does not talk on the tv about the good things of my glorious father and this country now so I don't think he will come back?
So the loud noise anyway I thought it was a jet first but it wasn't and I thought I was going to die but guess what I am alive and it wasn't a jet.
They blew up the ziggurat too early and that is what I heard and my ears are ringing so it is good we talk in writing cause maybe I don't hear anything as good as that for a while. Someone said that one of the peasants did it on purpose because the guard was still there and now they are not in good shape. Some are laying now on the ground and yelling and bleeding and kicking. So I think the peasant slaves new we were going to kill them but who knows? But there is no one here to take care of the ones who are kicking because they are no doctors here because georgreBush embargo. Thousands have died like this one I'm standing over looking at him kick and now just twitch. And he is Republican Guard and they are elite and i just walked over where I couldn't see him anymore.
And I went back a little way towhere the car was and it was dirty and I knew my father for whom I would cut off my own left hand would not be happy.
But then I tell you maybe this new humanshield is more better then Seanpenn because he got out of the car and I could see that when the explosion happened it scared him and he wet his pants. I laughed at him and slapped him to make him stronger.
[3/20/2003 2:56:25 AM |
Okay I am Ooglay Hussein and I am knowing that you are not knowing about war, so here I will tell all of you friends of my glorious home country that it is a terrible thing to be relentlessly bombed by the evil georgebush and also we know it is not the american people.
Okay now i had gone from the car but while so my slave got my notebook computer but then before i slapped him he showed me he had made this web site and now i can tell you here about these things. So yes he did all that before i slapped him.
Now we are having a phone in the car so when next it was ringing i thought "oh here is georgebush or tony the jew blair and they want to ask my father to delever a pizza again" But that is what they do on fridays not today so in fact it was my righteous father from whom all blessings flow.
And his anger knew no bounds because the collection of hand blown glass that Chiraq had given to him long ago was destroyed in the raid.
But this is what so help me if he sees this ever he will have my head on a spike was funny.
He had forgotton there was a key he needed on the keyring he gave us and it was to the vault where the missles were and now we really need to get those to Syria Ooglay as if it was my fault he didn't have Blix take them with the ones they took there last week. But my father for whom I wud nail my own tongue to a door said he was not too angry but he would take another toe from my foot if I didn't have the key to the vault in a half hour.
And this was not good because we were supposed to be at the elmentary school with the human shields and Republican Guards at that same time to meet the reporter from CNN Europe.
And oh did i mention the craters in the roads?
By the tears of the prophet i have never had such a day...
[3/20/2003 3:53:37 AM |
Okay am I thinking that maybe now you are knowing I'm between Iraq and a hard place - Haha! this is a big joke i have made for you in your language!
Now here is more jokings in your language: How many Georgebush to put in the litebulbs? Oh please let it be no more then one!!!
Now you see I am not always serius. But for now no more joking! Here is what a situation i am in: I have to get to the hospital to unlock the vault so Uday can be getting to the missles, and if they are the missles i think they might be i want to go away from there real quick just throw the keys, okay?)
Then I have to get to the school where the human shields are playing in the playground with the kids while the CNN Europe people are there filming the danger Georgebush is putting the kids in and make sure none of the stoopit Republican Guards poke their heads out of the school building while this reporting person is there. Or at least bust up the camera.
So tell me why if Ooglay can do all those things he is still going to have to wash his esteemed elder brothers dirty burnoose tonight? These are things that are wrong...
And so my feeble pants wetter of a human shield starts driving slowly around one of last nights craters on the way to the hospital. Now I am thinking it is good i bought for my glorious father for whom i would cut myself up into small pieces and feed myself to a dog I bought him last fathers day the beads to go over the leather seats in this car or else he would kill me for the wetness of the infidel on the leather.
And that (i swear to you by the prophet i nearly died 5 times today) is when the F16 attacked...
[3/20/2003 8:17:45 PM |
See listen now while I reveal the miraculous story of shooting the plane down. It came screaming out of the sky and my most useful humanshield chose to run outside of my car then so never mind him for now. He did not shield me though.
So I am alone in the back seat of the mercedes and the f16 comes diving out of the sky shooting and I know some bullets got in my fathers illustrious car. So it goes i hope he does not let his anger lead to my death by a beating.
But now i think "well they forgot to give me a weapon again" but just then, and this is the part you must have some believing for, by the will of Allah I am holding a Kalishnikov.
And still the f16 is diving and i can't believe they are coming in so low and still shooting and i think my reward of 71 virgins is very close indeed. but i raised my most beloved kali and began to empty the clip. And is this the strangest thing of all that i hit the plane and then it was flaming and smoking and by the will of Allah the plane was destroyed. I know then that Allah is on my side and no virgins for me yet!
Nobody saw this thing and it makes me the greatest hero of the war! And the wreckage of the plane is nowhere to be seen, because the heat was so great it was utterly consumed!
So soon i will get my slave human shield and i wont have time to give him a beating because as it is unless Allah wills otherwise we are now to be late to meet Uday.
So now I know when i find Uday he will say "you son of a pig you are late and if the Frenchmen doesn't get these soon the deal is off!"
And I will be able to swear I was late because of the cursed plane but the best hope is that he will let me choose which bone inside my body he will break.
And then when i found the infidel he had an idea that if he gave Uday some of the drugs he brought from your decadent country that maybe i would avoid that beating after all!
I took his drugs and shoved them in my pocket, and will offer them to Uday but Allah be praised I would never touch the unclean things myself!!
And then I realized we could take a shortcut across the cemetery of the 500000 martyrs. Some may know this is the cemetery that used to be a golf course but when the French reporter said we needed some way to prove the sanctions had killed 500000 Iraqi children we made it look like a cemetery. That was Qusay?s idea and I think maybe that is why my father favors him over some.
But my beloved father, may he live 1000 years and father me 10000 brothers, will perhaps give me another medal for my bravery.
And when I beat my human shield I will use a stick no thicker then my thumb. This shows my mercy. Remember it if I am captured by the infidels you swine.
[3/21/2003 7:16:56 AM |
Okay Here then is some thinking "yes, Ooglay, you are too long taking to do this diary because still you are writing about great things that happened yesterday while now outside it is tiday! Well yes, but that is because so many things are happening in every day and that is because georgebush - I spit when saying your name and then I feel unclean - has a cowboy rush to war!!!! So now I will do some trying to catch up .
Here is a thing you must know, and I myself with all my wisdom do not know if it is true. My slave American humanshield drove swiftly though the cemetery of one half million martyrs, knocking many of the fake tombstones down on their empty graves and thinking gleefully we could blame the tanks and maybe I would be spared a mighty fisted beating this time. But I know this thing is true.
Well then is the ringing of the phone, and still it isn't Friday so I answered and it was Dicks Cheney and here are the things he was saying:
"Where is Qusay"
"I am not knowing where is my exalted brother overfed american pig heart..."
"We killed him with 1000 bombings" Is what he said. And so that is the thing i don't know if is true, even though really it is tomorrow from there when I write this down.
And if it is true then he is now my most exalted brother and Uday is my most exalted living brother and if i say it wrong i will dangle by my heels somewhere cold for some time to learn it better. And Uday will strike with his cane!
But that is not now, now I am going to meet Uday and get him his keys to the missile vault. Drive faster, pig of a human shield!!!
[3/21/2003 7:47:49 AM ]
I am telling you now the things i am remembering mostly about my good brother Qusay, who gave so much to charitable causes! But by the will of Allah I don't think he is dead, though here are things I remember fondly:
When the first of the humanshields came and we said
"what are you doing here little hairy and foul smelling infidel dog?"
"and he said 'i'm going to find myself' and we had no idea what that was, even though we all are well knowing of your english monkey language.
Then i grabbed one arm and Uday grabbed an arm and Qusay started up the chainsaw and cut his legs off then threw them out the window. And this is what Qusay said because always he had that sense of humor about things he said: 'Well, start by looking out there!' And Uday and I hurled him living out the ten story window because we were not hiding in the under-palace then i am telling you.
So that is one thing I remember about Qusay: his sense of humor!!! What will be done with his rotting corpse? I asked my wise brother and he slapped me and said"stupid! He will be found after a bombing run...that is why he came here!!
And I did not need that slapping!
Also he could eat anything but that is not something I want to talk about now. I would rather forget that part of Qusay.
So one last thing I will remember about him is his goodness to animals. Here is how i know because of his goats and sheep! No really, when we were young he had sheep and goats kept at a private oasis that was highly fenced and no one could go in under pain of death! That is how much he loved them and he went every day. My father from whom all sunlight comes said we are descended from a people who would do this as nomads. And Qusay would do this with help from no one long after he married several wives and had many children, Allah be praised! Then when he took over the secret police he was too busy there and I don't know what happened to his goats and sheep.
So also if he is dead i will never be forgetting his kindnesses to animals.
Also for a minute I am realizing if Allah has given Qusay his reward then I am third in line to be ruler, but then I stopped thinking it because we were at the hospital where Uday keeps the missiles.
[4/6/2003 1:31:06 AM]
Okay it has been very busy for Ooglay. Lately the American's are keeping everybody awake very late with not driving their tanks through town. That noise they make not being here actually being 500 kilometers away has everyone on edge.
Also I am busy writing on American internet to encourage glorious filthy pig American war protestors to make parades to support my glorious family against the evil georgesbush who is trying to take our oil. Father Saddam, creator of the Mother of all Battles is telling you protestors his thanks! Do not stop now and the Father of MOAB will give you each some of his oil. And also 10 million Iraqi Dinar.
Now I am having more time and will be writing more about your georgebush cowboy war.
Okay but first some explaining. Someone says "Greyhawk it is Ooglay. Thanks you make me laugh!" Well, no Ooglay is Ooglay. Greyhawk is not. Ooglay meets Greyhawk on ScrappleFaces. Iraqi government blocks Iraqis from having great satan American Home page. So Greyhawk says to Ooglay he wants "Americans to see how Iraqi Baath party Saddam Hussein people really are" and so he will post for Ooglay the diary. Okay? So this is why Greyhawk has his name on it. But he tells me "tell them it is you, Ooglay! Some people think it is made up!!" No, it is Ooglay. Thanks be unto you for this opportunity Mr Hawk. Aso some people write bad things about my glorious father on ScrappleFace and write your Greyhawk name there. You should tell them stop.
Now it is back to my diary. Where was I?
[4/6/2003 4:50:21 AM]
Okay so please to remember I am still telling of the first day of your American aggression.
When I get to the Hospital with my infidel swine humanshield I first put the leash and collar on him. We always do this when we are around Uday. He likes to see the dogs treated like dogs. So "come in to the hospital on your allfours" is what I tell the human shield. His knees are bloody with scabbings and his hands hurt already to where he can not hardly drive the car, but he does what I tell him.
But then I see Hans coming out of the Hospital and he says "You are late! Don't bring him in. Just take your brother the keys!" Then he is going to the cafeteria and I say "Well here, Hans, you pig, you take him for a while" and Hans says "Screw you Ooglay. I'm going to get a porkchop and then get the hell out of here."
I swear by the hump of my camel this is how Hans talks when he is not on TV. He cracks me up!
And that stupid bald headed Swede, the last time he came over to the palace he drank all the good vadkaa and passed out and puked on the good Persian rug. The one from Al-Iskanders day. So that was funny too. He can't hold his liquor.
So I am now having to tie my humanshield to the car bumper and take the keys and go into the hospital basement to find Uday.
And I go to where they store the missiles in the basement and there is waiting at the door is Uday. But also with him is the Russian and the Syrian (I never know their names but I like them not and trust them less. They have a mean streak in them.) who usually don't always work together. So who knows when a war is going what might happen?
But esteemed brother Uday shakes his cane at me saying evil curses regarding my mother and the circumstances of my birth and why am I slow? And I tell him I shot down the F16 and then yes he hits me and says "Dog! I invented that one in '91!" And to this day I have a bruise where he hit me with the cane. But he got his key.
And the Syrian laughed at me a little then but by the will of Allah he will never laugh again some day.
So those three turned to the big doors and began to open the lock and then I notice on the hospital cart is human head. It is Pierre! And he has bullet hole in forehead! And the battery with the crank and wires with aligator clips is nearby. And yes I saw the marks on his ears.
Now I don't know what is going on but Uday and the Syrian and the Russian all had pistols on, and I can't remember if Hans had one or not. But Pierre had really got someone angry I can tell you.
Then Uday is coming out of the vault and he slaps me with open hand and says "Here put that in this bag" and gives me a satchel from inside the vault that usually holds detonators. So I have to put the filthy head in the bag. And I have heard rumors about the diseases Pierre had in life and I hope it is not the will of Allah I get one of those!
Now I have a chance to look in the vault and Uday forgive me but you are a fool! (I did not say this or even think it too hard) There were some red tips, blue tips, and sheesh! Even some green tips still there! No wonder Hans was pissed! This things were supposed to be across the border three weeks ago! And now the Russian and the Syrian are arguing about who is going to do what for moving them into the truck (they would only need one truck, Uday didn't keep too many behind) and I can just see them maybe getting stupid with some of each missile here! No thank you! I need to be at least 2 preferably 5 kilometers away now if you please! And which way is wind blowing? So while they argue and Uday is drawing his pistiol and firing rounds into the floor above to get their attention, Ooglay is running like an Iranian for the door!
Goodbye!!!!
So okay, now is Ooglay running like the wind away from the vault with the missiles. Some of each! I can't believe it. We make them in 2 days if we need some. Why did he keep some? I don't know. So I am hurrying into car and starting it up and driving away. And I see Hans in the rear view and he's yelling something but he has a big mouth full of food and I don't like Hans anyhow. Not since I caught him with Arnett. But that you are saying is another story, yes?
So I have to get to the school in big hurry anyway, remember? Is school where humanshields are playing with school kids for CNN Europe reporter to film them. My job will be to kill the reporters if they catch sight of the Fedayeen Saddam using the building as headquarters. Also I have to get the humanshields back into the truck to take them back to the prison. But this is making me think I'm forgetting something.
And the people of Baghdad are all yelling and pointing as I go by. They think I am my glorious Father! This is fine! But no, that is not it, they are pointing behind me but I look in rear-view mirrors and see nothing. Then I go over a bump and Uh-oh! He pops up in the air so I can see him. My stupid humanshield! He was still tied to bumper by leash! He must have been asleep when I hurried out of the hospitol. I drove up to where I could park without worrying about the car getting scratched. Then I go look at him.
He is not dead. He was unconcious. But also he is lots of bleeding. So now I can't put him in car with blood pouring out. So when he doesn't wake up after I am shaking him then I put him in trunk. I will take the infidel to Doctor later, first the school.
And of course whenever you say "School" I think "where's my gun." so I take a little time to put this on. Then I wash my hands from having had to touch him. Then I start driving to Uday Hussein elementary school. Of us all it is Uday who has most schools named for him, including one in Brooklyn NY. We aren't going their today either.
Very strange, I am thinking.
Okay so Ooglay is driving like crazy to get to school and thinking "Hey, I never used to be in this kind of rush to go to school, you know?" Haha. One time Ooglay got an F in school. That was last time I got one or that teacher gave one, you know? I bet American kids would like to have that going for them.
So I am cutting through Shi'ite market and thinking "Hey! This market always nice and good prices and clean and almost a shame it would be to blow this up during war and blame Americans!" But Shi'ites and Kurds are ruining my homeland, I am telling you.
And now be remebering my humanshield in the trunk? Is waking up now I am guessing because I hear the thumping sound from trunk. Also some groan but not very loud to compare to what Qusay could make someone do on the really hot days. So I am yelling "hey, shut up! I am heading right this minute straight to the hospitol for you!"
And if you are soft American reading this, well maybe you think you have bad day if tire goes flat let me tell you about bad day. I am cutting through park to get to school just ahead when suddenly I am hearing that ripping sheet metal sound from first war that means inbound Tommy Hawk! Good thing I was cutting through grassy area cause I can throw door open and roll out like we learned in the class taught by the Russians while car keeps going away. Then I curl into ball as car is heading for crowd but it doesn't get there because "boom" goes missile right into it.
Now I know my glorious Father for whom we fight this victorious war will be angry! He did not give Ooglay the car just to get it blown up by American missile! And will he blame Georgeboosh? Yes, may the flies of a thousand camels plague him for the rest of his days, but it is Ooglay who will take the fisted pounding for this one thank you very much Mr Navy Battleship Missile Boat!
And the worst thing is when I am looking around a little there are no parts of the humanshield big enough to use to embarass the Imperialist American Infidel Dogs!
And curse them all now I have to walk the last half kilometer to school! And I am late!
Okay, so here I am running a little to get to school now. And very late! And I get there and it is tragedy. Here is scene:
Children from childrens prison all trying to be looking happy playing.
Human shields never before near children all stand off to one side looking disgusted because of smell. All humanshields are weak!
CNN Europe reporter and cameraman not paying attention to them, because stoopid Fedayeen soldiers have anti-aircraft missile battery right out in open on playground! This is why Ooglay was to be here, to stop just this thing from its happening. So I have blown up car and no corpse of humanshield and now this! You know Ooglay is getting pounded with many angry fists tonight!
So maybe I can make things a little better. Am drawing gun and walking over to kill reporters when he is looking at me and is hey! Pete! So all is not so bad. I don't have to be killing him unless I want to. But Glorious Father says he is "useful idiot" so then I am thinking okay, better not shoot.
So what about cameraman? This is Ooglays only good break today. He is Russian agent! A blessing from Allah! Too good to be true! They are only giving pointers to the crew for how to be shooting down the American planes.
Okay, now the lateness of the day is comming, and it has been very long of a day I am telling you the pillows in the bed in my Glorious Father's Underpalace are seeming far away still but oh so soft! So quickly we are loading Children on bus for childrens prison and humanshields on bus for hell for all I care. But only after they are driving away in foul cloud of fumes and rattles am I thinking "hey, no car!" And if Ooglay is caught out in Shia neighborhoods tonight maybe day gets very worse very quickly. Will of Allah is not to be pushed too far, yes?
So hey, Pete, Yevgeny, can Ooglay catch ride back to Underpalace?
"No. Only car is crappy little French Renault with no room for you with camera gear in back."
So first I am thinking there will be room if I put three bulletts in your brain pan infidel dog! but then I am remembering Pete is always out for number 1. And when I am reaching for gun I find humanshield drugs in pocket and say "maybe Oogly can make this worth your while?."
So then Ooglay is getting to ride shotgun with Yezgeny holding tight to top of car that day I am telling you!
2003-03-19 23:40:38
Hello good sirs and madams.
I am Ooglay Hussein and am the sole surviving son of Saddam Hussein, until recently the rightful and benevolent ruler of Iraq. I am writing to you because you are, I am told, a trustworthy person who can help with this most urgent matter discretely and quickly to our mutual satisfaction.
I am recently coming in to possession of 25 million American dollars...
Well hello America, land of the free, home of the infidel, may you die choking on the fumes of your SUVs! A thousand other curses upon you from Ooglay, heir to the throne of Baghdad. "Hey, Ooglay," you are saying "now you are please to be taking some time to tell us of the mood in Baghdad. How is your Arab streets?" And I am gladly telling you this truth: everybody there hates you and also wants you to die but only because of georgebush so nothing personals.
"Hey Ooglay," you say, "glorious and beloved son of the light of the world, sword of Allah, trumpet of the prophet, why do you say 'there?' Are you no longer in your wondrous homeland? Are you not even now dipping your heated toes in the cooling waters of the Euphrates?"
No, I am telling you the will of Allah is a strange and wondrous thing, and I swear by my mother's purity I think sometimes I am moving about more then my father, who must sleep each night in a different house on the Champs-Elysees. Now as I am typing on a keyboard of a computer in California once again.
"Ooglay.." you say and I answer, "Shut up and listen or I cut out your wagging tongue!" And even as I am relating this story I know you are looking upon me with great anger in your squinty, beady eyes. So be it! Hear my story:
After filing my latest stories about the living Hell you have made of life in Baghdad I ordered a round of cool drinks to be brought to me at poolside in my luxury hotel. I was considering returning to the air-conditioned bar as soon as I finished downloading my e-mail to my laptop via the sat-link. Now there are many in Hollywood who know my e-mail address from the times I spent there shortly after the ending of the hostileness in my beloved homeland. Mostly I just delete these because they are "oh please come back I love and miss you Ooglay" type letters that I delete without looking upon because most of your stars are not so good looking when they are not in makeup with computer re-touching and most of the letters are from men stars and Ooglay is not that way. But one from Jewish girl I lived with for a while is catching my eye:
Dearest Oogie, Help! We need you! The Republicans have attacked our beloved Governor, much as they attacked your sainted father, and they are once again planning a regime change. You proved your abilities as a big-draw money maker at some of the fundraisers at my place this past spring, and we desperately need some of that fabled "Hussein Golden Touch" if we're to have any hope of averting this crisis. If our time on the beach at Malibu meant anything at all to you then I know you'll be here soon. Help me Oogie won kenoogy, you're my only hope! XXXOOOXXXBabsy P.S. Of course, you'll get expenses, a generous stipend, and 15% of the take. I've checked with the Times, charge airline tickets to their account.
Well to me this mostly makes no sense but you should know I am a heroic man of action who can't say no to a damsel in distress with a 7-figure payout involved. So before you can say "Allah be praised" I am flying Damascus to Paris first class and then to America.
But listen: It was all a big lie to get me here! Big money-maker scam! I tell you she meets me at airport and helps me bypass security and says "Thank God you've come! We sold out every plate at the dinner tonight and a special show at mi casa manana is also SRO"
I have no clue what she is saying but soon I am in Limo, jet lagged and dizzy though I am. "We're going to a studio." She says "The enemy is planning a big televised debate. Normally none of the TV execs would touch a Repub debate with a ten foot pole, but these guys are big draw. Arnie's still A-list, though God knows why. Probably for Maria's sake." She might as well be speaking Yiddish. All I am thinking is that nose on her would make a good hiding place for my father, his gold, and a pair of his most over-fed doubles.
Okay, soon we are in spotlight booth high above studio soundstage. Below is furious activity. I see men in suits on cell phones she says they are "talking to New York about ad time, this will be close to Superbowl money" whatever this means, while below are group of men arguing about their spot on stage and camera angles.
"What is this?" I say "These are not your enemy leaders?"
"Yes" she says.
"Okay that one is surely bodyguard for one other?"
"No that's Arnie. He's a frontrunner."
"Okay, at least he's not candidate. So there beside strongman, kicking him in shin, who is African midget? Who is old cranky man in wheelchair grabbing midget by collar and lifting him in air? This is good idea to have circus on TV with your debate. My father would televise executions the night before Iraqi elections."
And now is when I am thinking she is putting me on. "Oogie," she says, "these are the candidates."
And then I am laughing so loud that everyone stops and looks up for hearing me. "Come on, we gotta scoot!" She says and drags me out. She punches my shoulder as we run down the stairs "Quit laughing!" She says through clenched teeth.
"I can't help it" I say, wiping tears from my eyes, "this is first time I have actually seen your American Democracy that georgebush would impose on my people. The Kurds and Shia deserve it!" Then I am laughing out loud but just before we go out door I see man in suit sitting in corner on floor crying softly.
"Are you candidate too?" I ask, but he just starts crying loudly as Babsy smacks me with small clutch purse.
"Idiot, that's Darrell Issa." She answered, and pulls me out the door.
Never heard of him. California! What a country!
The complete works of Ooglay Hussein can be found here.
Okay may a thousand cursed greetings be showered upon your pig dog American infidel heads. Once again I am Ooglay in Baghdad, which you have rendered pre-Babylonian with your so-called smart bombings.
Have you heard of my new recording career? Here is the story in my very own newspaper.
"We must not let things slip away and our situation become desperate"... this is my favorite line of the whole thing. I thought it up myself.
Soon my other nine new employers who are wanting to rule your country as some kind of Junta if I am correctly understanding things will be making their speeches of agreements with this. I have heard through sources though that Mr Howardean is going to jump ahead of the others though and not only be first but also will insult the others for not saying something sooner.
"This is just our greatest fear become reality" He will say "because of Georgebush's actions Saddam Hussein is once again going to be the leader of the Iraqi people! This is just humiliating"
I wrote that line for him myself. The "humiliating" part is for my Arab brothers. We are hating humiliation more then anything except jews, you know. So this statement is a show of great weakness among your people and will be giving some new strength of purpose to us in our battle with you infidel dogs.
Speaking of humiliation, here is a humiliating story. I am traveling with photographer for New Yorks Time newspapers. We are almost out of film for the many pictures he is asking me to take of him "Please Ooglay take my picture with palace in background...please Ooglay to be taking my picture with this relic like I am stealing from museum...please Ooglay take my picture with hunk soldier..." so we go into little store with Fuji Film sign in window and guess what? It is store from my first day of war adventures! No! You are saying. Yes, I am saying, and same peasant shopkeeper! So the pig takes a minute to remember me and just before I am about to tell him I will be taking film without paying he is shouldering old standby Republican Guard issue FAMAS G2 and pointing the shaking business end at me!
Now is when I am running like the glorious wind sent by Allah to cool my Fabled Father's sweating face on the hottest days of Jamadi-Ul-Awwal. And blessed be the will of Allah for the shakiness of the untrained shopkeeper who blasted holes in the glass window just before I hurled myself through it into the street, and thankful as I am for the soft landing it provided I do wish it was something other than camel dung that awaited me in the gutter.
Or perhaps I am hoping that it wasn't something other then Camel dung. Better I never know, though the smell is truly haunting me to this day.
And fool of a photographer is shooting pictures! Then the shopkeeper is pointing rifle at him and pulling the trigger but again by the will of Allah who apparently cares for infidel fools too the cheap French popgun jams. Still the cameraman is apparently having some sense because he is by now stepping through the gaping Ooglay-shaped hole in the window and moving quickly out of the possible field of fire. I however, am recognizing opportunity and grabbing swiftly and left-handedly a heaping scoop of offal from the collar of my newly tailored counterfeit Brooks Brothers and hurling with much velocity in his general direction.
Then I too am running on the heels of the photographing heathen, and tripping him for fun as I pass him by.
"A thousand pardons" I explain "I certainly did not mean to cause harm." Picking up his camera though I "accidentally" open the back and expose the roll of film. He makes a crying noise.
"Again I beg for pardons, but I am not wise in the ways of these machines. Is this bad?" And I am stretching the film out as far as I can as he is standing to his feet. He is starting to say something but the ricochet of bullets from the pavement at our feet is telling me that the cursed shopkeeper is once again seeking to send me off to join my brothers in paradise. I toss the camera to the photo boy hoping to slow him enough that he will become the likely target (I will assist Allah with determining his will at any opportunity) and this seems to work because the last thing I see before running is a well placed shot that shatters the camera in his hand.
Too late though I realize that the alley down which I am fleeing is a dead end. Turning to face my assailant a stroke of genius hits me.
"Looters in your store" I shout and he turns to see someone entering his store. He fires a couple rounds in that direction but the gun jams again and now he runs back towards his store. I am hearing fighting noises from there but by now my witless pig of a photographer and I are running as swiftly as the flow of sewage through currents of the Tigris in another direction.
Never before you Americans came was I so treated in a store in my own town! I am telling you pig Americans, the lawlessness of this city of yours is a disgrace!
The complete works of Ooglay Hussein can be found here.
Ahhh woe upon me I am rending the clothings of my person in grief unequaled through human history as my beloved brothers, those grease-coated heroes of Tikrit, Europe, and the American left, are lying now as corpses in the hands of the infidel! How fondly I remember the many humiliations I suffered at their glorious hands, the unspeakable acts they committed upon my person as I matured, the many things no man should do to another that were done to me by them for pleasure! All gone now, the world will never know their like again! Were it not for my recent acquisition of some 30-odd million American dollars I would have virtually nothing left to live for. Excuse me pig Americans, while I am going to further rend my suddenly antiquated-looking personal wardrobe....eternal woe be upon me!
Thank you. My grief is slowly passing. "Ooglay" you are saying, where is it you are now?" And I would answer then "Iraq is where I am for now."
"And Ooglay, most glorious Saddam's only living son, how are you there again? Is it not dangerous with the cities crawling with American soldiers?"
And then I would say "I am not my father's only remaining son. Already you have forgotton my half-brother Quasi, he who my Glorious Father caught Uday lowering into the shredder feet first. This is how he bacame a half brother to me. Also you have forgotten my other brother who was so sickened at the sight that we changed his name to Queesy. So still my Father has the three of us as a blessing unto him in his old age.
Well why am I being back in Iraq? Was the desire to be in my homeland so great? Did I so miss the days when I could dangle my toes in the Euphrates on a hot July morning while the screams of Udays "latest" were carried on the breeze?
No. Honest to Allah the only thing that brought me here was American dollars. And my delightful sense of irony. You see, I am now on temporary leave from my job as Managing Editor of the New York's Time Newspaper. I am working as "fact-finder" for the Democratic National Committee and something called "The Nine." I'm still a bit confused by details, but apparently these "Nine" are plotting to somehow overthrow your King Bush, and I am to gather information here that may help them to do this wonderful thing. But here is something that I learned from reporters at Times: "Oog, baby," they would be saying "why bother gathering information when you can sit in a bar and make it up?" So yes that is what I am doing in Iraq.
And really I do nothing until one of "The Nine" starts to really bug me, then I will provide some "discovery" like the Nigerian Uranium thing. Some of them are bothering me more then others. One is calling al the time, he is Howard something and he is a Dean or something I suppose at University. He is nutty. Also funny is Kerry who threatens me with bodily harm. He says he is Killer Nam Vet. I say this is not scary to one who grew up in the palace I grew up in. One other is named Kook-a-nitch or something and I don't know what he says, and also Sharpton is not to be understood.
Whatever. It is fun to tell them things and hear them shout with joy and say "I knew it! We've got him now!" But maybe they just aren't getting my message out because there is georgebush still pumping my Glorious Father's oil.
Also I am getting to publish my "findings" in NY Times, even though DNC is paying for my work. Pretty slick, yes?
Well I was going to be leaving for now but then speaking of money I am making I am realizing that someone may read my first part and be thinking it was me who turned in my Brothers. This is not true. I swear by the Prophet it was my Glorious Father who was a little short on cash.
"Ooglay" he is saying to me "you know the Americans, how much you think we get for Uday and Qusay?"
"Of Glorious Father, for whom all Iraq shall soon rise up behind again, I am sure the most unworthy Amer dogs would give us at least ten thousand Dinar each!"
And so that is how I am having new suits made in Paris via the internet, while my Glorious Father is hoping he can cover this weeks bribes.
I will take care of him though. After all, am I not now his favorite son?
The complete works of Ooglay Hussein can be found here.
Good evening to you Pig Americans! Here I am, being still Ooglay! Ooglay Hussein, the son of the rightful ruler of Iraq, cradle of all human history! Here is the thing you are thinking you would say to me if I was some place I could hear you: "Ooglay! Where is it you have been being?" And I would say that is a stupid thing to ask me when if you were where I could hear you you would be in the New Yorks Times office and would know it is I who am managing editor now because my name is on the door that says so. Stupid American.
Here is why. So you should know I was last in Hollywood and got this job as reporter because some brown skin man was fired for making up some story about a girl soldier who was invading my country but your country has laws so they had to replace him with somebody who was not a white American man and I am having experience writing here so it is me. So hey, no sooner do I come here but they fire brown skin managings editor so who can take his place? Ooglay is who!
So I start right away running things the way my Glorious Father, for whom Allah wears a smile, ran his country. "This is not so different from Mr Rain leadership" is what the workers there are saying. So it is good to know people everywhere expect a good beating when they anger their betters.
But here is a different thing I do. There was a Moose, but now there are sandals. I am having a cousin who is Al Quada guy who sells sandals in a shop near the UN building and also does interpreter thing there on the side. (One day for fun he is letting me do some interpreter on the side because I am speaker of France, English, and many dialects of my homeland. It is fonny I said wrong thing on purpose as joke but France ambassador believes it and is soon meeting me in central park with briefcase full of money to preserve oil rights with Saud family! This is easy money, the French believe anything they hear that is not American. But that is long complicated story and I am not telling it now. Next time though I am going to start a war for fun.)
Now though I am telling of getting hundreds of pairs of sandals from my cousin paid for by Times with finders fee and profit sharing for me and my cousin also gives a kickback, it is no crime if I did not tell him what he does not ask! So what I make more on sandals then him? It is proving Allah loves me more.
Now everyone who is making me happy at newspaper is getting sandals. And all are wanting them because they are not just for wearing. If you have these sandals now at NY Times you are allowed to strike anyone who angers you as often as you like. I am sure you are seeing the attraction; it is not being surprising to me that these people will do anything for the earning of sandals. Some give money so my wealth increases even more. Some do other things. A girl writer who is not to be named tried to demonstrate some talent she had but after I was finished slapping her hindquarters with sandals I was not going to give her some to use on me! Sorry Maureen!
So at first the people who had some sandals would only use them on interns and mail room types who moved a bit too slow, but soon they learned I wanted them used on reporters and others here too. I have never seen some group so eager to inflict the slappings of the sandals on one another! They are gleeful when they are applying this discipline. They call it "total cultural immersion" and "celebrating diversity", but I think they just are getting what you call jollies. And do not be the one who shows weakness! This makes the whole office come after you. And they are much worse then the crowd who smacked my Glorious Father's statue (may the pilings of one thousand camels line every path they walk) I am telling you now! The painful screams of whoever they are slapping only drive them to more frenzied smacks.
So the Publisher I am worried will not be happy to see all the slappings, but he is loving it! "You have certainly shaken the heirarchal structure here, boy!" He is saying and giving me cigar. "Let's go to my club and discuss the leadership and managment technique book we're going to write together!"
Then as we are leaving he is laughing and sandalslapping my secretary and the doorman!
Hah! Moose was stupid, yes?
Hello America! Here again is Ooglay, soon perhaps to be more famous! How, Ooglay, could you, the talking of all of Hollywood, be more famous? I will be telling you the great new things that Allah wills.
I am taken to dinner with big Hollywood movie producer or director wants to make story of how evil American Georgeboosh made my country a stinking crater so he could be having my Glorious Father's Oils. Also with us is William Morris agent for Ooglay and some hooker they think will make me happy. Or maybe she is movie star, I can't ever tell. So we are eating and some drunk shows up starts bothering producer. "Hey, Alterman, what you doing? Who's your rag head buddy?" And producer doesn't want to say who I am for fear this man will exploit me (which many in Hollywood are in fear of others who might exploit me and they just want to help) but of course I already have finger curled around trigger of my glock as soon as he said "rag head" you know?
Also I should tell you, though in my country I wear business suit here it is better I wear Arab robes and headdress. This is so no one like lunatic John Ashcroft or police will bother me because it would be racial profiles, okay? Is trick I learned from Osama. Is how he travels here.
So my producer friend is telling his drunken infidel newpaper man to move on but newspaperman says something about "panning next movie" and soon Ooglay is shaking hands and hello saying with foul smelling infidel newsman. Then he is eating with us!
Okay, so soon he is saying "You know Oogie, (lots of Hollywoods call me Oogie or Oogster or something. I will laugh when they burn in lake of fire. Not after death, before. But that's another plan. Tell you later.), my man, I've got a buddy back east desperate for some diversity in his outfit. They just lost a colored guy they had working for 'em and I think you'd fit in nicely there. Interested?"
So I am wondering what is "colored guy" but soon my agent from William Morris is talking percentages and copyrights, reprints, book options, I don't know. By now we done eating and getting to part where star hooker whatever girl is really starting to bat eyes at Ooglay and telling me how she was rejected by Joe Millionaire but maybe Oog Billionaire could help her forget. Whatever. Oog doesn't care, you know? But there is room in harem. When I say this she giggles and laughs but I don't know why. "Oogman, baby, sign here." Says agent and I do, quickly, because leg rub has begun.
Okay so next day it turns out I am reporter for New Yorks Time! Yes, I Ooglay am writing now for American newspaper! This is fonny, yes? So I will be "helping to shape public opinion" is what they are saying. And "Write whatever. We have editors and translators to do the rest." So I don't know what to write first. Am I needs something different then Mudville Gazette Ooglay Hussein's Diary entries or can I be submitting them? Then I remember picture I found on refrigerator door at famous singer's house I'm staying in. Is beautiful girl picture. American girl, I'm surprised to learn. But I don't know her. So I will write in newspaper to find her!
"Hey, who is this girl? Anybody in America knows this beautiful angry girl who has captured Ooglay's heart with her hot angry good lookings and attitude please contact Ooglay through this paper or Mudville Gazette, okay? I want her!"
Now here is when Ooglay learns how good writing he is. Once editors and translators are done, it is turning out to be five-thousand word essay! Look here is first little part:
"Who is she, that gracious free spirit that gave so much of herself in so noble a cause? Can I ever get to know her now? My quest may seem futile, but I am driven, perhaps by that same sense of wanderlust and desire that drove this bright young mind to seek out a higher path, a bright tomorrow, and a better world."
I am good, yes? Wait til you see whole article in Sunday paper. Hah! I am making something of myself while my esteemed brothers can only be sitting on beach of French Riviera. I'll bet my glorious father will deliver a fisted pounding to them both when he is seeing my accomplishment. Lazy brothers! They will be getting some smacking from his sandals soon I am telling you now.
Oh, here is girl picture.
(Editors note: The complete works of Ooglay Hussein, from day one of the war through today, can be found here.)
Hello America. Here again is Ooglay. I am seeing now that my family who now are enjoying the coming of summer on French Riviera are forgotten thank you very much. Uday is big hit in Dance clubs in Europe and Qusay is negotiating with Russians for some job with their secret police interrogations branch. Some of the doubles are now here in Hollywood and have bodyguard jobs with big stars. This is new fad in Hollywood. Have Hussein lookalike doing bodyguarding for you. Stupid Hollywoods pay big bucks. Crazy America! Also personal trainer. Big new fad is Hussein workout! This is incredible, all people take heavy whip, chains, and stick and hit big dummy. Not real person, dummy is stuffed and looks like Georgeboosh or Romsfield or Dickscheneys. Then take turns hoisting each other in air with rope and pulleys. No hitting though. Good for biceps. Jean Garflow told me is "biggest thing since Tae bo". I don't know tae bo. But I know stupid when I see it. But I also see full wallet.
Okay, so speaking of Jean Garflow I didn't yet to be telling about our datings. Well, it is just one time. Like I am telling you and I swear on my mothers purity this is true, I am hot thing in Hollywood now. Dating Ooglay is biggest boost for social climbing of Hollywood stars. Is okay but Ooglay does not date the men stars, even though some say that is meaning Ooglay is homophobo. I don't know this word. Then some say it is meaning you are "hater." So I say "like hating Georgeboosh or the kurds, yes?" And they say yes only a hater hates things that should not be hated. So I say oh, like if they hated France? And they say "yes, now you catching on" but I still say, okay, I'm not hating you but if you don't step away from my prescence I will be killing you. And I don't care what is Mash.
But hey, I am trying to tell of Jean Garflow. I don't know if I am having her name right. I don't care. She is just another talking too much person. Is late last week. We are eating and she is talking about other people in restaurant. "I hate this restaurant," she whines, "I mean, it's a wonderful, wonderful place for really stupid people to hook up. They meet, they throw some things on the fire, they talk about Vin Diesel, they tell stories about who their favorite Fox anchor is, they exchange phone numbers and in some cases has led to marriages...” and on and on and on with her mouth shoved full of food and no chance to slow down eating or talking. And I am thinking I've heard it all before, you know? And Vin Diesel is not machine, is her ex boyfriend? And she is saying something about no WMD and I am thinking "My family is weapon of mass destruction you psycho French Whore, but saying nothing and now is time for paying for dinner and go to Lakers game and she says "okay here is the deal. You pay for dinner but if Lakers win I will pay you back and if Spurs win you get nothing." I say "okay" she says "hah! You are stupid! Lakers have no chance. They suck on wood this year. I wish I was wrong! I would be so willing to say I'm sorry, I hope to God that I can be made a buffoon of, that people will say you were wrong, you were a fatalist, and I will go to you on my knees on cut glass and say, hey, you were right, I shouldn't have doubted you!"
So I think okay, maybe I should go now but hey! I've never seen soccer played with hands so I go on to game. And before game Jean takes me to locker room and when she goes out Ooglay is telling them what my family does to losing teams. "Hey, you not so tall after we dip you in chipper shredder okay big guy?" And yes Lakers win! But suddenly Jean is all about quiet. Not saying anything, you know? Hey, something about cash? Knee walking? No, suddenly doesn't remember. Changes the subject to her new TV show coming and how she needs to go home get "beauty rest". I am thinking is time to stop at Ooglay's "happy place" on way home but then remembering this is not Baghdad.
Just closest thing to it in America.
Okay Hollywood American infidel camel smokers, here is angry Ooglay! Angry at the world today! "Oh, Ooglay, what is wrong?" is what you are saying. I know you Hollywooders now. "Let us help you get in touch with feelings!" Well okay, pigs, listen then to this tale for which I rend my clothing while inflicting upon my very own person a tremendous orgy of self flagellation. A thousand woes on Ooglay!
There we were in convoy out of Iraq, the beautiful land for which I will ever long, banks of Tigris and Euphrates in rearview, dust of travel in my eyes and pants. "Esteemed brother" I say to Qusay "I would beseech the prophet that Allah would will for you 200 wives and 2,000 sons. What is being in the largish truck you are bringing?"
"Shut up Ooglay, is mobile chemical lab. Stay away from it!" And he smites me on my shoulder with his fist.
"Esteemed brother, for whom I hope the afterlife will bring virgins beyond count, what of this other wondrously large truck?"
"Speak not of it, fool of a jackal of a brother. It holds a torture chamber from my palace. And before you ask I am telling you , the third truck contains the last of the family’s weapons of massive destructions. Do not approach any of them, son of whore and camel, lest Allah will you to be a stain upon the desert sands.”
Then much later we are on the road to Paris when these trucks are turning left in Germany and heading quickly down Autobahn to Switzerland. "Qusay, look…" I am saying, when suddenly he fisted pounds me in such a way as my procreation is perhaps in doubt. I am thusly squeaking on the floor in pathetic ball when then it is Uday who kicks me in the same spot, then pokes me with his dreaded cane. "Father…" I cry, but he is saying "Get up. And clean up mess you have made on floorboards!" Then he pulls off my head dress and makes me blot my liquid shame.
So I am almost forgetting this whole incident, what with me being chosen by my Glorious Father to come and represent my family interests in American Hollywood while more famous family must "suffer penniless in Paris" but now I am having read in your newspaper that in three such trucks my brother had loaded one billion dollars in cash euros and Americans money! So now at last you understand my anger! It is once again your newspapers and CNN are spreading the lies about my family! We could not even afford porno magazines for Ooglay at French rest stops okay?
One billion dollars. You Americans are dupes.
Okay American Georgeboosh infidel Aircraft Carrier landing tight flight suit wearing pigswines, Ooglay is here, but no excitement okay? Greyhawk says "Ooglay, you have to have something to post I am busy making something new." Well tonight Ooglay has big Hollywood date with married lady so I am not having time either, okay? Well, she is not married, really I think but Ooglay does not know Hollywood lifestyle yet. But still I will not tell who she is. Even though I said, "But you have friend..." and she is saying "what Timmy doesn't know doesn't hurt" and something about "there's a chill wind blowing in our bedroom these days too" but I am not knowing and I don't want to know okay? So I told Greyhawk "Okay here is something is my favorite story from the middle of your shockanaws, okay?" and he says "okay, and here is phone number for free clinic" so okay American dogs here is one of my favorite war stories I have told before, okay?
21 March:
Ahh my "ally" Frenchman, here I Ooglay am drinking now heavily for reasons of my own and will soon be finished for tonight. But my educating is needed for those of American schoolings. Listen here is the reason why Georgebush is the world joke butt okay?
I am inventing good jokes all the time in the palace and so I went to tell my glorious father for whom i will gladly make of myself a baricade before your paper tanks a new joking i had thought. I saw his office door being not shut allways so that means i can enter? right? so i approached the prescence of he for whom the sun provides warmth and he was on the phone at his desk but i stood proudly before him and he is talking to chiraq and this is always making him angry and he is saying when jacques will your foul foreign legion arrive? Don't jerk me Jacques! And okay i think he needs a laugh.
"Glorious Father for whom i would gladly ride a MOAB from the plane to the ground,here is a riddle for your laughing!!"
And he looked at me with those kill-you-slowly eyes he used on dans rather but doesn't say a word
and I say "then how many georges bush does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" and he looks now like he looks at the meat grinder people and I say "Oh no please don't say there's more then one!!! Get it?"
And so that is when he struk me very forcefully between my eyes with the phone.
And I am now falling backwards and if not for the will of Allah that our friend Hans Blix was there to catch me I would inded have fallen into the drums of ricin that were nearly filling that half of the room.
So now is why george bush is worlds joke, okay, because a bit later as i come to my senses my glorious father for whom I would run naked with only my sword into your onrushing marines is telling this same joke of mine to Chiraq!!
And that is how it came to be, that the world jokes about bush, i swear on my mothers purity!
But Frenchmen, where is my foriegn legion frenchmen?
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 21, 2003 12:27 PM
21 March:
And here is my other good joke:
I am designing T-shirt and it shows blown up things like the ancient ziggurat and Esteemed brother Udays palace (may none of his others experience harm) and the museum that Qusays people blew up this morning, okay, and then it says "Okay, shock and awe, shock and awe! We get it already, now go home!" Don't you think it's funny? Okay now keep listening to what i write; I am Ooglay! Well I make a picture of them and make it look like the pope is wearing one and I put them on e-bay for 50,000,000 dinar each an so far i sell 3 million of them in France and San Francisco! This is a wonderful thing but here is where Ooglay is funny joke: we will never make or deliver them!!! Ha!! Now where is your foriegn legion!
Posted by: ooglay on March 21, 2003 12:38 PM
25 March:
Hey who is to be telling me war is dangerous! I am the one who will be telling you! It is Ooglay, son of my father, who is smarter then the smartest of your smart bombs!!Yes you are rightly thinking I am alive and well. Allah be praised! After last poting I made telling how my glorious father was safe with me in my underpalace which the americans (i spit when i say that word though dying of 1000 thirsts) were not finding with bombs. Well it was not one halfhour later when they found it with more bombs then i would care to see again i tell you now! I do not like your inhuman shockanaw! You american protestors must make georgebush stop trying to take my glorious fathers oil with his shockanaw! All he is doing is stealing the beloved leader of my county's oils! Then he can put it in your SUV and that is how he will take your tax cut money back I tell you it's true on my mothers purity i swear! Protest him until he stops, you infidel swine!!!!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 11:29 AM
Ouch stop hiting me my brother Uday with that cursed cane...I'm writng now I'm sory for calig or protested friend teh swine. They are not the swne teh glorous protestrs, my fater declars you all honorary citizen of Iraq! Now, my esteemed brother, ma yopu have 2000 sons, enough wit the caning of my hindquarters!! Look at my typings now...
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 11:37 AM
Hello to you all It is Ooglay, son of the glorious leader of the people of Iraq. Long may he reign! Long may they know the thousand daily pleasures of his reigning on them!
Ooglay where have you been? This is the thing everyone here is asking everyone else here I am sure i know this. My story is that war is dangerous like only I can tell you. Hear me: After the shockanawing on my underpalace my father and brothers or their doubles (who can tell these days with all of us covered in s**t) blamed Ooglay for revealing the secret location on his postings. Well let me tell you no one except the foulest of your hollywood infidels would deserve a fisted pounding the like of which they gave Ooglay on that day I tell you I swear by the hump of my camel. Three Saddams, two Udays, and I think one of the many Qasays were all kicking me at one time. You do not want a thing like that, you soft Americans!And my humanshield did not shield me at all that day! Curse his hide!! I hope he's sent to Basra!!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 11:49 AM
So now you are thinking you know war is bad? Not the half of the bad things you are knowing! I am Ooglay and for my glorious father i would hand pull a wagon full of nuclear, biological and chemical weapons to the syrian border except that i just drove it there and it was a truck!
Now I will tell you where I have been: After my beating my brothers took me and hoisted me up on the flagpole on the roof of the last standing ministry of defense building here in Baghdad!! And all that day and into the night I stayed there on top of the empty building, like hello american missile pilots, here is Ooglay shoot me!! And Uday was thinking he was very funny to be shining the russian laser guidance beam on me that night from across the street! D**n the russians! We shine their useless guidance lasers on the museums and the mosques and they are not hit ever!! The Russians will pay for selling useless crap to my angry father, I will be telling you!! Well Allah be praised Ooglay was spared when the Americans did not come that night! So I am thinking Good they maybe are starting on Teheran (this should be making you protestors angry!) but the next day they still leave me up flapping all day. And so they would the next night but my mother, praise upon her wondrous beauty, arrived on the bus from Umm Qasr and gave Uday a beating with his own cane and made him take me down! And I am not knowing what she did to my illustrious father but he has stopped drawing his pistol now when I enter the room!
So it is I Ooglay, who is knowing that war is dangerous!!!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 12:12 PM
Hello infidels dogs! It's Ooglay again talking from his new location in Hollywood writing for American infidel pig web page. I may report on Hollywood infidel for a while. Life style is very much like Ooglay's lifestyle in Baghdad before your bombings were keeping everyone up nights and they were all becoming too very grouchy for politeness, even when Qusay's people increased the street beatings. No one is being beaten in street in Hollywood. All the big stars are slappings the servants when they want but they do it inside the mansions. Is like Baghdad like that. They say to Ooglay "Ooglay, we'd slap 'em in the street if there weren't so many of them." And although Qusays people could nail someone's tongue to a 2x4 anytime anywhere I guess that is one differents to Hollywood, because Hollywooders only beat their slaves when no one is looking. Also they don't call their slaves "slaves." One big famous star did show me nail gun though. He did some shooting at Gardener in yard but only winged him because Mr Big Star is drinking too much. He said to Gardener "hey, you be glad it's been six months since rehab, Jose!" Ooglay is not getting joke but knows it is joke because everyone is laughing. Ooglay was laughing too but only at stupid drunk bigstar's horrible aim. Then someone says "Too bad you won't let Heston near the place, Marty, he could hit that guy six times from here even with immigration chasing him!" And some other big guy says "Yea Heston could nail him!" and some other big star says "yea but you could nail the maid maybe" and everyone is laughing again. So maybe even though I am not getting all the jokings I am how you say "hitting it off" with Hollywood types pretty good!
And hey! You Americans all being driven in Limosines! Or fancy cars driving! Uday always loved his Hollywood visits and now I am seeing he was not lying. Ooglay was picked up from airport by driver for big Hollywood studio in longest limo ever for my riding. Riding through los Angeles Ooglay is thinking is exactly like Baghdad except less active looters here and no Marines. I was disapointed after hearing so much not to see Los Angeles police beating up some poor people. Qusay got his ideas from reading in your newspapers about the police in your country. But Ooglay has not seen this once. Maybe beatings story is big lie to make your Police seem like tough guys? I am thinking you would not have so much crime if your police would give some fisted poundings the like of which your criminals survive only if Allah truly wishes them life. Also I am noticing everyone has guns. So how could your police give proper beatings to people who are having guns? And the limo driver when I am asking him says "I wish I could get beaten by the cops. You would be driving the car if I could get some of that kind of bread." Then he is laughing but Ooglay doesn't get your jokings.
Now we pull up to gate. Is just like Glorious Father's palaces gate, and I see it is made by same company. Now I am laughing and saying "You know these won't stop M1?" but driver is not getting my humors either. So he drives past big mansion who belongs to a singer and pulls up to "guest house:" in back. Is bigger then most houses in city but not as big as the smallest of my family palaces. One in Paris is not much bigger though.
Inside is decorated like Uday's love palace. Big posters and lava lamps, lots of color. "We had it redone after we saw the pictures in the paper. Uday is chic in Hollywood now. Everyone's doing it this way now, but I was first!" This is saying of famous lady singer who is living in big mansion. I am thinking this is her house. Even though she has husband it seems like she is how you say "wearing all of his pants in her family." They are both meeting me when I am getting out of car but all talking is her. She is even making husband carry big duffle bag from Afghanistan into house. Her house. She says something about somebody waiting for the Afghan delivery. Then she smacks driver for taking too long. Then she is talking to me but I am avoiding looking at her giant nose. "I hope you don't get all hung up on me being a jew." She is saying "because I feel more kinship with you people. I know what it's like to be oppressed by an evil American president." But how can I hate someone who recreates Uday's love palace right here in America? Then she is saying "So if you don't mind being my 'Cato Caelin' I'll try to be a better host then O.J.!" So now I am not knowing whjat Cato is and like I am saying, I did not think I would be back in the love palaces so soon. And I am jet lagging and really not in your mood. So the only thing I could think to be saying was "Lady, fix the nose or get a veil, then we can be doing some talking about your roll playing, okay?"
I mean sheesh, give me time for a shower at least, yes? Allah save me from these Infidel pigs.
Lot's of people asked for it, many demanded it, but I did it anyway! Alert readers will note a new addition to the writing staff, as Ooglay Hussein has agreed to begin directly posting his diary entries right here on the Mudville Gazette. Those who've never encountered Ooglay before will find his original page linked to the left. Please make Ooglay feel right at home...
Hello America here is Ooglay writing from a new place, in America! How you like running Iraq? Not so fun, huh? You ready for keys to shredder yet? Haha! Hey, no weapons of massive destruction? Maybe you look in Iran now, okay? Drop some Tommy Hawk missiles on them til they tell you where we hid them. Guess this: I was in Hollywood, but don't be dropping your Tommy Hawk missiles there georgeboosh! I am somewhere else writing now. All your Hollywoods people tell me how georgeboosh wishes he could invade them but they are too powerful because of their fans.
Also I will tell you my Glorious father, for whom I would cut off my fingers and type with my...nose, is in France with my brothers! They are enjoying romantic April in Paris. I am not just saying that so you will be bombing them either just because they didn't send Foreigner Legion to help Iraq as promised. It is not black or white, it is grey area. So you don't need to bomb them or Hollywood. Bomb Iran though.
Okay so here is how Ooglay came to America: on private Hollywood jetplane! It was very nice. Better then my fathers, which was not flown because of evil no flying zones for since first war. They are wanting to do true movie story of Other Mother of all Battles (now just Other Mother for short. This is what producer calls "working title") and say "Oog baby (they call me Oog baby, it is not disrespectful in Hollywood and I am dishonored for harming a man who said it) only you can do this helping for us. Also, please bring artifacts from museum so we keep them safe from looting soldiers. Also some stuff is going to be on the same plane from Afghanistan, okay Oogman? Don't worry, private plane is no metal detector." Which is good since I am not travelling with all that and no "heat", you know? See I learn American slang!
So okay they promise to have someone at gate to meet me. So I have Uday's favorite gun in pants and cash in briefcase and trunk of junk from museum and some large funny smelling duffle bag from Afghanistan and hey! No one at gate and now is customs! So grey hair lady in line in front of me is being taken behind screen and next is me. So the man is saying "Do you have anything to declare?" and I am about to say "yes I hate georgeboosh" and reach into my pants but right then lady behind screen is yelling things that would get an Iraqi third wife beaten with a stick no thicker then my thumb, so man just stamps my papers and says "go ahead sir, you're good to go!" and he runs behind screen to help restrain old lady cause now it is sounding like somebody's getting a good slappings.
So Ooglay is everything loaded on cart and moving along towards door and there is another guard and I am worried but he just holds door open for me and says "Welcome to America, sir, enjoy your stay!" And I stroll right into your country!
I write more later, infidel swine.
(2300 UTC 9 Apr) I will give quick updates when I can. It's crowded where I am now. There are the whole surviving family and lots of doubles. But we get good nights sleep. Hey! You don't worry, Ooglay is safe. I see me three times on TV today! I hold up sign and picture of Georgebush! Ha Ha! Picture is from toilet paper roll, stupid pigs. Now I am safe in...No! last time I say that I get a good Air Force Bombing! Ooglay not stupid twice! I will be to writing much more soon. Keep looking! And you who came across the border from the other nations to support us, keep fighting to the death! My glorious Father needs a little more time to cut a deal with Allah...
(0012 UTC 10 Apr) Okay Ooglay just finished diary updating and sending to be posting. Now someone new shows up in underpalace escape tunnel. Who is this Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf? He is saying he is "Information Minister" but we never see him before. I am thinking he is big liar. Okay I am sleeping, don't worry if you don't hear for a while, okay?
(1800 UTC 10 APR) Okay still in the tunnel getting ready to go "up north". How you passing time? You say. Well we have game called "Who is real Uday?" that we play sometimes. Very funny with lots of doubles like now. And that reminded me to post new thing down below just a little. Anyhow if Qusay double #6 can get Satcom working (he is good at such things, trained by French!) we will all be watching Friends soon. Also maybe then we find out about lies this al-Sahhaf character is to be telling. Pull statue down of glorious father? I'm not thinking so. Uday double #4 almost shot him for his perfidy, but we have no more room for corpses here. Time for dinner. I'm supposed to cook but hey! I'll make one of my doubles do it!
(1900 UTC 10 APR) Okay now double is making dinner so Ooglay has time to issue my Glorious Father's final ultimatum to you imperialist American infidel Dogs: This is last chance to turn around your little tanks before we spring big trap and kick your ass out of Baghdad! Now Go!
Also to save face for you my Glorious Father offers this to Georgeboosh: You go on your TV and be saying "Okay, my mistake! It was translation problem. It was really Republican gardeners in Baghdad. That is why they don't fight. It was stupid mistake and Romsfelds fault, so he is fired. Soory to Iraq. We go away now." Okay? Tell America that now and we let you go home.
Also no Satcom so maybe no Friends. Hey Qusay 6, you got 15 minutes til French training gets blown out the back of your skull, okay?
(2300 UTC 10 APR) Hello it is Ooglay. Well, lucky for Qusay 6 he got Satcom working. Lots of 'Friends' fans here. Hey, you Americans can maybe explain what is something we are only thinking here: Ross is fag, yes? We can not be telling with Hollywood Americans. Well, ER is to be sucking tonight so I am going soon to sleep. Sorry for if you Americans haven't seen this yet. And hey! Where is Seinfeld Jew show? Who cares. He was funny Jew. Ooglay likes some funny singer dancer Jews. So what? We still hate your culture. A little while ago we made Uday 5 go outside (he is one who is missing arm and leg from April fools anyway, plus lost eye in explosion) and see if anyone would shoot him. He comes back with no new bullet holes so looks like is coast is clear so far. Some want to send Ooglay double, but hey! I only have 2, plus my last humanshield. Anyway, maybe before dawn we make run for "up north." Secret plan is called "Follow the Rockets".
(1000 UTC 11 APR) Shhhhhh! We are moving "up north". It is dreadful trip. Humanshield on top of limo keeps thumping roof. Hard to enjoy countryside with all that racket. Uday 5 not tie him tight enough, but not bad for one-handed man. Well, he will soon be finding we are not needing him to be alive to fool Predators Missiles. Also for further diminishing of enjoyment is from water I was drinking not in bottle I am having "stomach troubles". (I know! 'Ooglay Hussein's diarreah!' very fonny, not laughing thankyouverymuch.) And Glorious Father says "Baghdad in the rearview and we are not stopping til Tikrit". Then he is smacking Uday and Qusay double with his sandal for arguing over GameBoy. Always I am hating long trips with family. By the will of Allah may we arrive soon!
(1400 UTC 11 APR) Okay yes is slow trip for some roadblocks, okay? And here is funny story for many Kangaroo Lover Aussies okay? Ooglay knows you are reading yes? Don't be surprised! Here is not-so-funny close call as we approach roadblock. It is Aussie troops of coalition! So Glorious Father does not even begin to be producing sweat as trooper comes to look upon us in the limo. I am in fourth seat back holding gun on humanshield but behind his back because we brought him down for roadblocks and I hear Great Father telling aussieman "yes yes, that is me. Quigley Down Under" and so I am knowing he is using Tom Selleck routine on this infidel.
Now I am hoping not to laugh because this is really funny in the palace, but also the only fake ID I am having is also fake Tom Selleck ID. From look on Qusay doubles face maybe him too. So we may be in big trouble, but Aussie only askings is for autograph, saying, "Roight, well that explains the limo then. Oy hardly recognized ya what with you all covered in s*@t!" and father scribbles on paper and he gives to him and we are driving on.
But then I am looking at Qusay 3 and he is shaking and saying "Aussies too tough" or something and he had fought them before but this time Q3 has just soiled himself and is still long drive and so we slow down a little and out into desert he is goes!
This is true I swear by the hump of my camel! I don't just make it up for Australians! It was easier to fool US and Brits! There is no way this coalition could beat anyone! Fight on Arab brothers! Boo you johnhowardstonysblaireorgesboosh jews!
(1930 UTC 12 APR) Okay Ooglay is getting ready to call it a day today. It is by the will of Allah that my family is staying with good friends in what is now "Free Republic of Iraq". So now is quite time and Ooglay has been how you would say lonely? And it is that I am thinking even some American girl is pretty. You know who I mean? Is Nancy Pigloosy. Very hot, you Americans would say, and friendly. She could not keep hands off Ooglay when she is visiting in secret. But also I must be true and say she was thinking Oogly is his father. She is not so smart of a girl and also too late I am seeing she is talking too much and "hey let's watch West Wing" and also says she is something how you say "snuggler?" In fact now I am getting clearer memory maybe not so hot, but a stalker type for sure. But if she was back here now who knows? Anyway after a week you know Ooglay is really tired of putting up with all the chatter and the whining about if I am "getting her message" or whatever and so it is time for "out the door you go!" And she is stomping away down driveway to the road shoving undies in purse and "flipping bird" (I know you American customs) when Ooglay is yelling "Oh yea? It is Ooglay, not his Glorious Father, who is not even offering cab fare!" And she is saying "Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? I will have that statue torn down and pissing in fountain in my entry hall!" She points at Father's glorious statue in square and I am saying "Oh? You and what Army?" And she is turning hot red!
So anyway, if it's true what I heard about statue, maybe she is PO'd at Georgeboosh for ruining that for her too, eh? Who can tell with a woman?
(1730 UTC 13 APR) Ace of Spades? Glorious father! Ace of Hearts? Esteemed Uday! Ace of Clubs? Fearless Qusay! Ace of Diamonds? Abid Hamid Mahmud al-Tikriti. Who? Father's secretary?! Secretary! Ooglay is too greatly angered to be typing in your infidel monkey tongue now...
(0000 UTC 14 Apr) Praise to Allah that Friday the 13th is ending, even though it was falling on a Sunday this month, okay? First badness is leaving Tikrit swiftly on back of stinking pig farm truck, next is card deck, then then I see this online. And most outrageous story of all is this story with a pictures. This is to be outraged! This is Ooglay's home! So I have pictures of Dad and mistress, so what? Ooglay too angry to write today. I can't be believing that I tell about PigLoosy woman just last night and now here is place we made the movie of love showing up in our internet! Allah why are you hating Ooglay today!!!??? (oh yes, no you reading be listening to me like as if I am having their accents: Yeah Baby! Shagariffic! Pretty good huh?)
(11:00 UTC 14 APR) Hello it is Ooglay. Please to be believing I swear on my mothers purity we are not bound for Syria. We are going to Iran! We wil be in Teheran tonight. I hope Donny Romsfield doesn't find out and bomb them into stone age! Don't tell him! Then it is to Tel Aviv we go, then exile in London, okay. No Russia, too cold! Brrrrr Moscow bad! And Glorious Father is loving Fish and Chips.
And what a trip. In car with me are my esteemed brother Uday and Glorious Father, both like all of us 5 days from running water and angry as camels in season as Father is now blaming Uday for family's slightly damaged reputation. Once for peeing break Father draws his Golden Glock and puts a round into back of Uday's head (while he is facing away from Mecca if you are knowing what I am meaning). And then he is remorseful "Oh Uday my son even though you are the one who is looking nothing like me what have I done?" and I am knowing he is thinking how this will balance with building the mosques when it is standing before Allah time. But just then real Uday walks from over sand dune! He always had shy bladder, so Father shot wrong one! Well now we are having first big laugh in long time and Father is saying, "Okay Uday, you are to be getting one last chance. But in next country we take over you will start as Sanitation Department Head and work back up okay?
And Uday is saying in horror "But that is too big job in France" and my father gives him open handed slapping and I am reaching to remove my sandal but Uday puts his wretched foot on my neck and makes me stay on floor a while as Father pretends to not be noticing.
But then someone is saying "Hey there is McDonalds! Let us be stopping for lunch!"
(1400 UTC 14 APR) Okay so who would be thinking how bad things could go? Sometimes it would seem that Allah wills nothing but disaster for Ooglay and his family!
We are sitting down to eat at McDonalds because I don't know how it is in America but in Iraq they #$#^ you at the drive-through every time, okay? So first is Uday double with "Hey I said no pickle" and Qusay double saying "hey this is girl toy I am wanting boy toy" and Glorious Father says "shut up and be greatful you are having some food!" and since he was waving gun they all did.
Then we are finishing and this Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf character who is along for ride saying he is "Information Minister" but we think is just big liar starts saying "Hey did you know the McDonalds is to be putting worms in Hamburger meats? And the French Fries are made from rice! And he says it's all true he knows from friend of friend of one of his distant uncles...and don't get me started on nuggets! What part of Chicken is nugget?" But then Uday 7 who just had hamburger and fries and someone I think is real Uday maybe are drawing weapons and Glorious Father is reaching for his Glorious Golden Glock when assistant lunch manager comes running saying stop! you all are leaving now, no gun violence please! And you are in here all covered in #$%$ and smell most offensive to other respected customers! And he thinks he is big shot wirth his rocket propelled grenade launcher but Father is seeing it is useless Russian one so he gives a high sign and before smart guy knows it two Qusays and a Saddam have him face down in the french fryer, okay? So now everyone is running like crazy for doors and hey! Time to get going to Teheran not Damascus! So we pile in the Nissans and off we are going like the desert wind I am telling you! And the reason I am thinking I am cursed by Allah is because I did not get the McFlurry I was wanting so badly, you see?
(2230 UTC 14 APR) Hello stupid Americans! Here is what I am greeting you with today: Ooglay is hoping you are enjoying giving your taxes money to Georgesboosh! Maybe he will be building new statues in Basra and putting some Iraqi gas in Bart Simpson's Sport Utility Vehicle with your infidel unclean dollars stupid Americans.
And here is happy thought: Ooglay will not file his taxes this year because of Regime change! HAHAHA! This is fonny, yes? Then why when I am saying this to my Glorious Father did he strangle me like a Shi'ite Kurd?
Only thing saving me was Pete showed up. We had big delay here on road to Teheran not Damascus when we are waiting for Pete and Rasheed to bring us U-Haul trailer up from Baghdad with last of the good crap from the museum that wasn't a fake version of something we already sold years ago. So first we are thinking we are going to move Pete higher up on Death List but finally he is showing up. He had to do real TV reporter show complaining about lawlessness and looting running rampant in Baghdad now that the Americans have ruined everything in the town. He makes especially big deal about the museum things, which I think is fonny so we let him live and maybe take him off list completely. He did nothing wrong anyway my Glorious Father just puts everyone on that list to keep them in line, okay? So we send him back to Baghdad with more story ideas for him and our other friends there and off we go a little slower now cause man that is one heavy trailor, Allah be praised!
(2245 15 APR) Okay yes hello now I am needing this quickly, okay? We are going very slow yes over the mountains going into Iran pulling this big U-Haul trailer. We are not in flat desert going towards Syria. So say if you are or know anyone flying two F/A 18 Hornet Ground Attacking type aircraft bristling with shiny air-to-ground missiles and you are flying somewhere near border of Syria well, hey! That is not Saddam Hussein convoy under you okay? Those just peaceful Iraqi ladies traveling towards Syria with Uhaul. See the pretty ladies waving at you Mr F/A 18 Pilot. That is not just Hussein family painted up like French Whores okay, so go away looking for them somewhere else, okay? We are all women driving way from you. No business of yours okay don't launch those missiles just turn around tell them because Husseins are getting away and into Iran so yes please to be saving those million dollar missiles for Ayatollah whoever this week over in Iran I don't care go blow him up before Saddam gets to him with WMD okay not on road to Damascus that's someone else go away now tell them North Korea called and said Georgeboosh is big fat looser with druggy prostitute daughters you know and wife and mother ugly in 10 different ways. Go away Navy Attack Aircraft good riddance already that is not us just whistling minding own business...
(1500 UTC 16 APR) Okay so maybe you are to be telling me - is this a funny thing? We are waiting at oasis with French gas station that is definitely no-where-near-Syrian border for some of my Glorious Father's (for whom I would to this day chew my arm off if I could use it to beat on Tommyfranks and his million marines!) ministers who are to be bringing seven sacks of US dollars to us in our time of need. So we are even ignoring the buzzing predators what are flying around because hey! We have been made up to appear to be beauteous Iraqi Woman by friend who is expert at such things and who is joined us very recently. I will tell you much more of him later. But funny thing is Uday, who seemed to need less help then others in becoming more like his sister, is now getting how you say "cocky"? He is running around in open doing foul belly dancing for predator with cameras sending image to who knows. I am not liking because even though unmanned predator has what you Americans call Hellfire missile with Ooglays name on it. This is too much trust in Will of Allah for even my Glorious Father who is soon chasing Uday back into Fina Gas Station with slappings from his wondrous sandal which I would never hope to fill.
Okay so this next is not funny: we are getting tired of waiting because ministers are late and that's some big bags of money okay? Not talking about little Jumbo garbage bags here, I mean BIG BAGS and Glorious Father is getting kurdkiller face on and that is good for no man or nation I am swearing by my mothers purity you just don't want to be around when he is getting such a foul mood.
Okay so finally father says that's it we go now to Teheran! But we know somebody will die soon from this anger and so no eye contact and all move quickly to cars and trucks parked along highway a little bit away and no one even is fighting over front seats.
But one Qusay double is having to make how you stupid weak Americans say potty stop and since stupid french gas station is not having one because hey French are about making money not spending it so he is going to go outside on side of pump as joke on French owner. So he is having some trouble lifting woman Chador clothes up to begin but soon he is going nicely all over French Gas pump and never will I forget the look on this infidel dogs face as he comes out saying something foull in French about hey you gonna wipe that up with your veil, be-yat...
But that is all I am hearing because hellfire is hitting right in the precision parts because hard to convince even American that you are woman when peeing standing up you stupid child of three hyenas!
So most impressive fireball is rising and caravan is burning the rubbers and dodging pieces of everything raining down all around but soon we are gone.
And then by miraculous mercy of Allah Glorious Father is starting to be chuckling a little and soon he is laughing out loud like we have not been hearing for some days now.
"Haha" he is saying with tears running now "I always told Chirac not to build so cheap"
A much beter mood, yes? So maybe rest of trip wont be so bad after all?
(1930 UTC 16 APR) Okay now we are moving swiftly away from Damascus towards Teheran and mushroom cloud of a gas station is small blot on rearview and no one is wanting to stop for restroom breaks for some reason now. So I am having some time for the writing.
Indeed, so did I mention we are all in the finest Baghdad's womens clothing yes?And you were saying "Oh Wondrous Ooglay, for whom we wiggle mouse fingers til the cramping is too much to bear, you are leaving out something of your story, yes?" And I would be telling you "Yes, you stupid infidel swine are sharp as can be! Allah be praised for your wondrous ecucations." Long before the beginning of your illegal unilateral war against the peaceful people of Iraq my Glorious Father, for whom the clouds part for one ray of sunshine on the worst days of the year was planning for everything that could happen.
"Jacques says the US won't come. Jacques says he'll send the Foreign Legion if they do! I do not trust that perfumed belly-crawler from the sub-sewers of Paris!" Is what I remember my Esteemed Brother Qusay saying to he who gave us life. "Glorious Father I have a friend who is now in 'Consulting' business for people in our, uh, 'situation' maybe we can say.
So make it short you intention-deficit-disordering American readers! We have a 'consultant' who meets us somewhere in a tent on the road east from Tikrit. He is very tall woman, and ugly we are thinking except Uday stared a bit too much, and she seems fmiliar to me. Something maybe in the beard.
Do I know you from somewhere? I am asking and Qusay 8 is giving me a kick-in-the-shins.
"Call me O'shamus!" He says, "for sure and begorra I'm an Irish woman from county Cork" I think is what he said but I am hoping in pain on one leg because Qusay had on 'special shoes' designed by real Qusay.
Then I am settling down and stopping blood flow and I am hearing this 'Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf' character who no one knows and everyone thinks is big liar saying "I knew Osama! I was with him in the mountains! You are no Osama!"
And Uday is looking at this guy like 'what size chipper shredder will it take to shut him up' - I know that look too well - but he is still talking "Osama had distinguishing markings on his very small manhood!" Says al-Sahhaf (if that is his real name). "Prove yourself"
And I am about to say "Fool of a Camel cleaner! He said his name was O'Shamus! Not Osama!" But O'shamus says just this very slowly: "My transformation to a woman was complete."
So you can bet that shut the whole crowd up for a while there, and everyone staring at ground and not at O'shamus and kind of thinking about the future and crossing hands in figleaf position like after nasty soccer accident on TV.
But I am thinking but not saying "Complete maybe except for that two-fisted flavor savor of a beard on your chin, memshahib!" But no one wants to talk first now.
"Well..ahem..." said my Glorious Father who has gifted me with so much gift that removing would be crime I swear! "Let's just be changing into these Chadors for now..."
And we all are getting ready except I am bandaging leg now but Uday is saying "Please tell me these come in something other then black..." But I think he missed Glorious Father giving him the old "feet first or head first?" look that he uses at the shredder.
(13:15 UTC 17 APR) Hello again to America and England and Australia and also all the good countries in the world. It is Ooglay again, okay? Yes yes hello except now I am sitting in biggest Mosque in downtown Teheran, you know the one with all the tall minarets, yes? I am certainly hoping Don Satan Romsfield is not to be shooting Cruise missiles in here like last time I said where I was with my Glorious Father! (who I would never turn over for any amount I have so far heard you cheap CIA swine!) Well Donny Cowboy maybe you should take those big YankeeBritAussies away from Syria border and all major intersections on the way where they aren't needed and be moving them to Iran border where everybody is just walking across like no problem with loads of antiquities, okay? Just some advice from me because I like you, you swine.
So before telling more I must be returning to this 'Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf' character who is along for ride and no one knows him and everyone thinks is big liar. Is this CIA man? Where did he come from? Never before have we seen him but he is appearing as if by magic D'jinn just before the leaving of Baghdad. "Hey I forgot food and ciggarettes. You got some Ooglay? Hey Ooglay, my wallet in car, can you cover me for lunch?" And never around on his turn to get tab. And on the road he is saying "hey Ooglay, this is good opportunity not like Amway" whatever that is, "we can run Nigerian-type scam!" and yes that is intriguing as I am the son of deposed despot but what makes him think that Allah wills him to have a share at all?
And listen please to some other things he is saying: "I was Information Minister" and "I know Robert Fisk he can put in good word for us" and "I was on Olympic soccer team" and "I dated Madonna" you know, all almost believable stuff but no real proof, yes?
And stories, let me tell you about stories! He has one for everything!
Stop for gas: "Hey one time friend of Uncle drives from Baghdad to Cairo picks up cousin then goes on Haj to Mecca then comes back same way and gas tank still full! Opens hood and finds "Ford Experimental Engine" - Americans trying to wipe us out!"
McDonalds when Uday falls in Ball Pit: "Hey Uday one time little girl in my half brothers home town get stuck with heroin needle doing that!"
Driving with no lights in dark to fool Americans: "Hey when I was in school in Berkely I hear L.A. California gangs have initiation where they do this and kill you if you flash brights at them!"
You are perhaps getting the pictures? I mean, there is no off switch on this guy! I am not knowing why, other then the mercy that Allah expects us to show to all, that we do not snuff this twister of truth twenty times!
Who is this guy?
(20:40 UTC 18 APR) Hey look I'm writing while you reading so get ready for new stuff soon! This is important though so quick! Okay, you in the Baghdad zoo, you know what to be feeding Lions? Kurds! Feed them just Kurds! No whey! Ha! Sometimes I am making myself to be laughing so hard that I am soiling my camel-hair thong!
(22:30 UTC 22 APR) Hello it is Ooglay. Big changes are coming. Things just not the same. Other day in store Qusay 3 is angry at man selling hookahs for too much! So he says "Don't you know me?" and pulls gun and shop man says "No!" and pulls gun and then we run and he is shoting and wings a human shield still with us in Iran. So I guess we are not so popular here as Iraq. I am hardly believing we are here in Teheren staying right near Ayatollahs palace, so please Romsfield do not do your shockanaw here! We don't need Teheran (where whole Hussein family is hiding not in Iraq still or Syria and Chalabi is an idiot) to be blown into a pile of rock and donkey parts.
Okay so anyhow mostly time is boring but we all have health I suppose. We are thankful for that. Everyday we start the day in three room apartment each one saying what he is thankful to Allah for. Any of the 60-some people can't think of happy thoughts then my glorious Father (who shall be restored to full glory in big Shi'ite coup now he has converted) shoots a piece off of them and they start thinking faster then I am telling you. Usually it is just a small piece. "Now there is more room here!" says my glorious father who praise Allah still has his famous sense of humors. Pretty boring mostly but then we go beat up someone in market to keep practice. All boring until we get call from American movie maker hollywood producer. He wants deal, we say we want to disappear, and to make story short we will be going into video tape maker documentary and then reporter will help us get out of Teheran and anywhere we want to go. Deal? oh yea, is deal. Ooglay is ready to leave.
Tomorrow I tell you about making Fatwa video with big American video directors so much better then Osama videos. Ha! See you tomorrow.
(2230 UTC 23 APR) Hello peace be unto you, swine. Here again is Ooglay, once and future prince of Iraq. Smell of Spring is in air here in Teheran, smelling now the turds of a thousand camels as the warmth of spring spreads through the market stalls. Ahhhh, fresh goat's head! Ahhhhhh, the entrails of a sheep! No where is to be compared to Teheran in April! I am remembering now when spring came to Baghdad and I was a young boy! And who is not being able to relate to this: my father is on riding mower, cutting the lawn of the palace. Oh how I wished he would give me a turn! The shining of the sun, the blowing of cool breeze, the smiling of my father as he missed not a single spot! His glorious attention to detail is what brought him fame and the good will of Allah! Oh how I remember the singing of the birds, drowned out by the roar of the big tractor lawnmower and the screaming of the Shi'ites buried up to their necks...
And speaking of Shi'ites, what a good time we are having in Shi'ite country Iran. I said we were going to make movie, but not yet. Today we get so down we went to the market place for the stonings to cheer us up. This is good thing. Only criminals are stoned here. Here is murderer, here is rapist, here is his victim. Sunni do the same thing but something about shi'ite make them best of all the stoners. I think so. But Uday says no one stones like the Sauds! Then my glorious father has idea striking him fully in the face. He has (I am thinking I said this but okay here again) become a Shi'ite. And earlier to day we see Arab TV News of Shi'ites marching in "Death to America" parades. And maybe you saw them self flatulating themselves, yes? And blood covered in their frenzies? So Glorious Father is thinking and saying "Okay! Look at these crazy Shi'ites who I am one with and hating America! They are fanatic loyalists so it is good we have joined them. When is time for elections in Iraq then Saddam will be on ballot, and maybe this time he really can get 100% of the vote!
So yes, that is plan! When time is coming for elections then is time for people of Iraq to elect their Glorious Leader who fled only so to protect them from more illegal shokanaw war. Electric on, oil flowing, bombings stop, and hey! Saddam is right back in charge. Thank you USA!
And when Shi'ites get too uppity, maybe you see one with long white beard and say hay! Ayatollah! Come here! And then I will tell you you must have the special chipper/shredder in the Palace where you found my money, okay? And feet first gets Shi'ites attention and keeps them in line for a while. Also Uday has this to say: If you found the children's prison: You know what liars those children are! And if you not find it: Hey, there is no Childrens Prison here!
Got to go. Time to begin cooking Sheep Entrails.
Ooglay's War: Part II
OKAY, These next things are not from first day of war, they come later. But is still diary things.
21 Mar:
Here is a great outrage that by the prophet can not be allowed!! I am Ooglay son of Saddam long may he reign and never to be replaced by Uday! Most exalted Uday may your cane be ever straight! I am seeing on CNN Europe in my under-Palace that U.S. Marine Corps has raised that needing-burning U.S. Flag over Umm Qasr, the birthplace home of my beloved mother 16th wife of Saddam and whos dowry was 300 camels!
Now outrages this too far exceed my anger and my hate is burning til my fingers clench and hardly can i think toi talk your language on my keyboard!!
Okay, so I am calming some. Now here is what I am saying to you my American allies or anyone who so often here say you are anti-war: I, Ooglay Hussein will be giving to the first of you who can go to Umm Qasr Marine Corps base, rip down that filthy flag and burn it, the princely sum of 3,000,000 dinar!!!!
Now also you who are parading and fighting in your filthy crime ridden American streets have gladdened my soul. On behalf of my father who will live to ancient years and will in his grand benevelance gladly give all promised gifts to your protest leaders as agreed before the war. Do not stop now.
(And now this part is the proivate messaging to my cousin Shaheed: I am seeing you in the rioting picture from San Francisco! We are proud and happy for no one had heard of you since Canada. Do not be stopping now, you are turning the evil satans against each other and you make my father's only smile!)
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 21, 2003 05:06 AM
Ahh my "ally" Frenchman, here I Ooglay am drinking now heavily for reasons of my own and will soon be finished for tonight. But my educating is needed for those of American schoolings. Listen here is the reason why Georgebush is the world joke butt okay?
I am inventing good jokes all the time in the palace and so I went to tell my glorious father for whom i will gladly make of myself a baricade before your paper tanks a new joking i had thought. I saw his office door being not shut allways so that means i can enter? right? so i approached the prescence of he for whom the sun provides warmth and he was on the phone at his desk but i stood proudly before him and he is talking to chiraq and this is always making him angry and he is saying when jacques will your foul foreign legion arrive? Don't jerk me Jacques! And okay i think he needs a laugh.
"Glorious Father for whom i would gladly ride a MOAB from the plane to the ground,here is a riddle for your laughing!!"
And he looked at me with those kill-you-slowly eyes he used on dans rather but doesn't say a word
and I say "then how many georges bush does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" and he looks now like he looks at the meat grinder people and I say "Oh no please don't say there's more then one!!! Get it?"
And so that is when he struk me very forcefully between my eyes with the phone.
And I am now falling backwards and if not for the will of Allah that our friend Hans Blix was there to catch me I would inded have fallen into the drums of ricin that were nearly filling that half of the room.
So now is why george bush is worlds joke, okay, because a bit later as i come to my senses my glorious father for whom I would run naked with only my sword into your onrushing marines is telling this same joke of mine to Chiraq!!
And that is how it came to be, that the world jokes about bush, i swear on my mothers purity!
But Frenchmen, where is my foriegn legion frenchmen?
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 21, 2003 12:27 PM
And here is my other good joke:
I am designing T-shirt and it shows blown up things like the ancient ziggurat and Esteemed brother Udays palace (may none of his others experience harm) and the museum that Qusays people blew up this morning, okay, and then it says "Okay, shock and awe, shock and awe! We get it already, now go home!" Don't you think it's funny? Okay now keep listening to what i write; I am Ooglay! Well I make a picture of them and make it look like the pope is wearing one and I put them on e-bay for 50,000,000 dinar each an so far i sell 3 million of them in France and San Francisco! This is a wonderful thing but here is where Ooglay is funny joke: we will never make or deliver them!!! Ha!! Now where is your foriegn legion!
Posted by: ooglay on March 21, 2003 12:38 PM
25 March:
Hey who is to be telling me war is dangerous! I am the one who will be telling you! It is Ooglay, son of my father, who is smarter then the smartest of your smart bombs!!Yes you are rightly thinking I am alive and well. Allah be praised! After last poting I made telling how my glorious father was safe with me in my underpalace which the americans (i spit when i say that word though dying of 1000 thirsts) were not finding with bombs. Well it was not one halfhour later when they found it with more bombs then i would care to see again i tell you now! I do not like your inhuman shockanaw! You american protestors must make georgebush stop trying to take my glorious fathers oil with his shockanaw! All he is doing is stealing the beloved leader of my county's oils! Then he can put it in your SUV and that is how he will take your tax cut money back I tell you it's true on my mothers purity i swear! Protest him until he stops, you infidel swine!!!!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 11:29 AM
Ouch stop hiting me my brother Uday with that cursed cane...I'm writng now I'm sory for calig or protested friend teh swine. They are not the swne teh glorous protestrs, my fater declars you all honorary citizen of Iraq! Now, my esteemed brother, ma yopu have 2000 sons, enough wit the caning of my hindquarters!! Look at my typings now...
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 11:37 AM
Hello to you all It is Ooglay, son of the glorious leader of the people of Iraq. Long may he reign! Long may they know the thousand daily pleasures of his reigning on them!
Ooglay where have you been? This is the thing everyone here is asking everyone else here I am sure i know this. My story is that war is dangerous like only I can tell you. Hear me: After the shockanawing on my underpalace my father and brothers or their doubles (who can tell these days with all of us covered in s**t) blamed Ooglay for revealing the secret location on his postings. Well let me tell you no one except the foulest of your hollywood infidels would deserve a fisted pounding the like of which they gave Ooglay on that day I tell you I swear by the hump of my camel. Three Saddams, two Udays, and I think one of the many Qasays were all kicking me at one time. You do not want a thing like that, you soft Americans!And my humanshield did not shield me at all that day! Curse his hide!! I hope he's sent to Basra!!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 11:49 AM
So now you are thinking you know war is bad? Not the half of the bad things you are knowing! I am Ooglay and for my glorious father i would hand pull a wagon full of nuclear, biological and chemical weapons to the syrian border except that i just drove it there and it was a truck!
Now I will tell you where I have been: After my beating my brothers took me and hoisted me up on the flagpole on the roof of the last standing ministry of defense building here in Baghdad!! And all that day and into the night I stayed there on top of the empty building, like hello american missile pilots, here is Ooglay shoot me!! And Uday was thinking he was very funny to be shining the russian laser guidance beam on me that night from across the street! D**n the russians! We shine their useless guidance lasers on the museums and the mosques and they are not hit ever!! The Russians will pay for selling useless crap to my angry father, I will be telling you!! Well Allah be praised Ooglay was spared when the Americans did not come that night! So I am thinking Good they maybe are starting on Teheran (this should be making you protestors angry!) but the next day they still leave me up flapping all day. And so they would the next night but my mother, praise upon her wondrous beauty, arrived on the bus from Umm Qasr and gave Uday a beating with his own cane and made him take me down! And I am not knowing what she did to my illustrious father but he has stopped drawing his pistol now when I enter the room!
So it is I Ooglay, who is knowing that war is dangerous!!!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 12:12 PM
Ohh and I forgot to all the wonderful protestors Teheran is in Iran, it is different from Iraq. Are you seeing it? Now go and make a parade, you have no time for here! You should have the new signs from Qasay by now. Please to be using them!!
And you Hollywooder infidels, may you burn for eternity in 1000 lakes of fire, my glorious father has cleared the best rooms in the palace hotel for you. He loves you and is ready for your illustrious visits just as planned. The lakes of fire is my kidding. Be unafraid. "The enemy of my enemy is my friend."
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 12:16 PM
1 Apr:
Hello America! Ooglay is loving Americans! Okay, stop bombing now! Or else this: Our 4,000 suicide bombers will each attack you 3 times in the coming week! I swear on my mothers purity this is true!
Now this is not for what I am here talking to you. I am not talking about my younger brother Quesay who is sick of all this fighting! Neither am I not talking about my half brother Quasi!
Today I am here to be telling about the funny Peter Arnett. He is making me laugh! My Father, for whom I would lead the Fedayeen Saddam into the gates of Hell, says he hates this ignorant infidel but that he is a "useful idiot". Ooglay says, "what?" and gets an open handed slapping.
So that is part of why I don't like him either. Also here is what is like your infidel Michael Jackson who is popular with you, so when you like him you will be liking Arnett too, and do what he says. When Arnett comes to the palace he is always wanting to sleep with my Glorious Father. Just to sleep, to listen to bed time story, and have milk and cookies, okay? Nothing funny.
So my father does not like this pudgy fat man with bad hair and no mustache like magnum PI. But he is "useful idiot" whatever this is meaning, so here is funny part. Every month when Arnett comes to visit he is in bed with one of my father's double, and doesn't know this!! Hahahaha on him! Stupid!
Or maybe he is using double too?
Now listen to him and stop your war!!!!! (And remember, Ooglay is loving America, okay?)
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on April 1, 2003 06:03 AM
3 Apr:
! Hahahah here is Ooglay Hussein and I am funny too and so is my brothers may their camels produce wealth beyond their dreams! Here is funny thing even though it is middle of war!
Okay, on Tuesday bad news we say to the Uday doubles: "We had to amputate Uday's arm and leg because of injury in shockanaw. So now we have to making you look like him some more! Who is first?" So they all say they are doing something else but hey! We give them a fisted pounding and cut off arm and leg on some without even using painkiller! Then after maybe three of them cut up and the others are beaten and tied up then we have Uday come out and hey! He has both arms and legs! Because "April Fool" it is just a big joke, okay! So then we all are laughing except ones who have to hop around and eat with filthy left hand now! Hahahah!
I am laughing at you stupid Americans now that Peter Arnett is telling truth in Englands paper. He is saying some of your paratroopers have still not landed because you were not knowing how tough the Iraqi air is! They just float around up there waiting! You are stupid. Go make your protesting parades now! See you in Peoria!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on April 3, 2003 05:08 AM
8 April:
Hey you American swine! Ooglay will be telling you a rumor he started. It is fonny one! Ready for listening? Ooglay went to french sore bone University with Shahad, fourth son of my honored Uncle Ali. (You call him "Chemical" but we call him "happy ali" because he is always whistling happy songs. Also we call him "wheezy" but that is another story.) Anyway we both like same French girl, yes? And French girls are easy because only competition is French males, and they are not how you say interested much in girls. Who can blame them? Only people who are thinking French girls are pretty have not ever been to France. Only after much drinking are they better looking then a camel. But this French girl was different. Still not so pretty but very enthusiastic girl. After only one maybe two wine drinks she is very nice to be looking upon. And Shahad is saying "she would look good vieled!" And he treats her like dirt but who would be knowing she likes him more then Ooglay? So even though Ooglay is son of Glorious Leader and Shahad is just General's fourth son she chooses him and is his fifth wife. And Ooglay's beauteous mother makes Ooglay take present to wedding! So who cares it was years ago. A very nice western gold fondue set. Jewel encrusted, so one may break off and choke him. Always he is better at sports then Ooglay, too. Pig. Also he graduated Sore Bone. Big deal. Ooglay would if he wanted to also. I had to leave France very fast for none of your business, that's why!
Posted by Ooglay Hussein at April 8, 2003 11:37 AM
Okay I was forgetting rumor. But that is because Shahad always is making me angry. Many years ago my Glorious Father, for whom Allah has a special place, says "kill him and be done with it" and gives me the special knife he used on the cats in his Tikrit days. But no. I can not.
But now last night I am thinking "Hey? I wonder how Shahad is doing these days?" And I call the Centcom number on the fax they sent me before the warring started and say "Hey! It is Ooglay! Here is where my father is, pigdogs!" And I give them GPS coordinates for Shahad's Restaraunt he is owning now!
But what is scary a minute is later my esteemed brother says "Oh wondrous Father, let us go in the Nissan to eat at Shahad's. We can stiff him for the check!" And I have to talk him out of going and Father too. I had to secret cut the tires on the Sentra with fathers cat knife. What a fisted pounding I would get for that one if they knew!
So anyway pretty soon boom boom boom boom! Shahads restaraunt is gone. And if Shahad was there he is now maybe just a cloud of pink mist. Ha! Stupid Americans bombed only the McDonalds they would have in that part of Baghdad! "Yes, fat Saddam can't resist Happy Meal!" I told them. "He loves the Evil Grimace". Ooglay knows how to lay it on thick when he needs to, you know?
And then I say to father "Allah be praised, how fortunate for us the flatness of the tires?" Still he kicked me one time and Uday punched my shoulder once then twice more for flinching.
And Centcom says it was nice restaraunt. Ha!
How you liking that one Shahad, Mr Soccer Superstar? Say hello to Giselle for Ooglay okay?
Now maybe today I will be finishing first day of war in my diary. I don't know. So much happens in war! Give me time.
Posted by Ooglay Hussein at April 8, 2003 12:00 PM
Ooglay's Greatest Hits
This section contains some of Ooglays snappy one-liners and debates he's lost in comments sections around the blog world.
OOGLAY'S PRAISINGS
Lots of American infidel dogs are beginning to be shocked and awed by Ooglays brain. Here's some things they saying about me!:
Ooglay, you'll be lucky if no one pulls your birnoose down over your head and smacks you on the bottom with a whiffle bat. If you are trying for the ridiculous, you have hit the sublime. You sound like something out of a bad Boris Karloff movie.
Posted by: Joseph on March 20, 2003 09:42 AM
Ooglay-you crack me up.
Posted by: Darth Chef on March 20, 2003 11:40 AM
The troops are singing your praises ooogloid glob, (Which is probably your real name)
I don't know but i've been told, Saddam's son will not grow old!
Am I right or wrong? YOUR RIGHT! Are we going strong.. D*** Right.
1, 2, 3, 4, Get em all! Yaahh !!
Posted by: Phrog Poet on March 20, 2003 07:05 PM
Ooglay:
Your posts make my day. Keep up the good work! I hope you survive the war crimes tribunal and maybe even get a spot in the new regime. And I hope you don't find out firsthand what happens if you try to use chemical weapons in a sandstorm. (Think p***ing in the wind...)
Posted by: Rabid Rabbit on March 25, 2003 08:58 PM
Gotta disagree with you about who's funnier, Tom. This Ooglay Hussein guy is damn funny! I love this guy!
Posted by: Robert on March 25, 2003 04:24 PM
Dearest Bambi:
Is your life partner Oogle Hassen? You both are very funny. Keep up the good work.
Danjo
GO MARINES!