The Grinch '08

For years now, The Grinch II has been part of our Mudville Christmas tradition. But it was written in 2003, and it's showing it's age. So I've decided to update the tale...

Everyone in America Liked Christmas a lot...
But the Grinch, who worked for a "news" service, Did NOT!

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
Was his heart (or something) was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason, His heart or his shoes,
or that this Christmas his future was looking bleak, too
(and "misery loves company" at least, in his view)
he thought he'd kill Christmas with a lot of bad news

"They're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some stories to stop Christmas from coming!"

"This'll do for a start..." The Grinch said, as he clucked,
The global economy is totally - hosed!
"No one's shopping this year, and I'm overjoyed"
"They're lucky to have stockings - they're all unemployed!"

"And with global warming," the Grinch grinch-ish-ly screamed,
"The only White Christmas will be in their dreams!"
"It's a scientific fact - there's no doubt any more!"
"Only fools celebrate Christmas but deny Al Gore"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the newsroom, and he laughed at the "peasants".
He looked for a story of deaths in a fire,
when suddenly Baghdad news lit up the wire.

"hmmm...", said the Grinch, "maybe over on page two...
"No, what am I thinking? That will never do."
Then he tossed those reports right into the trash can
and Googled the death toll from Afghanistan

He filed his stories with a gleam in his eyes
"Tonight's work should get me a Pulitzer prize!"
But his head hurt from all of that serious thinking,
so he sat himself down and he started to drinking...

The next day, quite hungover, he slowly awoke,
but smiled and cackled, grabbed the cable remote
"Pooh-Pooh to the fools!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!"
"They're just waking up! Then they'll see the news!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the sheepleville sheeple will all cry Boo-Hoo!"

"That's a sight and a sound that I MUST hear and see!"
So he cranked the surround on his HDTV.
And he did hear a sound rising on the news show.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at America! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Everyone cross the nation, the tall and the small,
were singing! Without any real cares at all!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinchy-head pounding in pain,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "They must be insane!"
"I know - they're too stupid! They don't realize!
It's me that they need just to open their eyes!"

And what happened then...? Well...there's some who might say
That the Grinch's small heart shrunk three sizes that day!

'Cause he pulled all the shades and he locked up the door,
and started drooling and scheming, and typing some more

When into his inbox a reminder plopped
that caused him to pause, then he totally stopped

His boss sent a memo that he felt was cruel
But it stated for certain there was just one rule

And he knew it was wise, and follow it he would:
"After January 20 all the news must be good"

"I'm no dummy," he sneered, "they won't be showing me the door"
"At least not while I'm leasing a new Audi A4"

So you folks in America can take it from me
Next year will be better
As seen on TV.

Related: An Ode to Billy Joel. (Or is it "owed"?)