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Well, when I agreed to do a column here I was worried about the kinds of personal attacks I would get by way of thanks. I thought by avoiding politics and the war I would avoid such response, so I chose to confine myself to a column about football. I shouldn't let it surprise me that no sooner had I made my first contribution then I immediately became victim of a right-wing smear campaign aimed at me personally instead of what I was saying. All over the internet now they are scrambling faster than Fran Tarkington behind the Bill's crumbling offensive line. Everyone's talking about "Bambi said this" and "Bambi said that". Well, "offensive line" is a good word for it, because none of it is true.
Let's clear this up first. Here's my actual quote from my last column.
I don't like football, it's excessively violent, discriminates against women and abuses minorites and insults ethnic groups like the Redskins.Notice that in spite of what many "spinmeisters" are claiming, I did not say I didn't support the football players. My problem is with the NFL. This is immediately obvious to anyone who isn't a binary thinker. (See this outrage, for example.)
The reality is that many NFL players are from the many American ghettos, the shame of our nation. The NFL offers one of the very few escapes from that environment. These young people have been "recruited", often by recruiters coming on to their high school campuses seeking players who are willing to perform for the wealthy Americans who refuse to send their own sons and daughters off to compete for our amusement on Sunday afternoons but who gamble their tax savings on the outcome of the games.
If you want a perfect example of what I mean, look no further than our own King George. He owns a pro sports team himself, and although he was all in favor of winning at all costs he never actually suited up his daughters in little pink jock straps and batting helmets and trotted them out onto the field.
So, how about instead of spending money for big league sports we start taxing the wealthiest of Americans and do something about the poverty in this country? Oh no, can't do that! We have to subsidize stadiums so a certain somebody's gambling cronies can make money on the games.
Anyhoo, let's make this clear: I support the players, not the game.
Next: I was accused by several commenters of putting up the scores of last week's games and calling them this week's games. This is a bold faced lie, put out by people who want to avoid losing money on my predictions. Who might those people be? Hmmmmm... somebody's gambling cronies, perhaps?
Finally, let me make this clear: I will not stop. I will continue to write about football, and only football. I will not let this forum become political. And I will not let any right-wingnuts attack me personally without responding.
I will exercise my freedom of speech.
Update: A minor correction is in order. I double checked and the games I predicted were actually already played. But if you look carefully you'll notice that 1) I was exactly right about the scores and 2) many of the games were played on Sunday, making them "this weeks" games. That's one of the problems with the NFL. With Sunday, Monday, Thursday, and Saturday games played in all kinds of different time zones they intentionally make it difficult to determine what "this week's" games are. Further, if you think this weekend's games will be any different than last weekends, you are sadly mistaken. This is a dose of reality that I know will be hard to swallow, but there you go.
I'll update later with the scores for games I haven't predicted yet.
Update 2: okay, here goes. First, my predictions for the games I haven't predicted yet.
Tennessee 24, Atlanta 21
Cincinnati 24, Washington 17
N.Y. Jets 28, Minnesota 21
These games were already played, so after I made these predictions I checked and I was exactly right. This brings my record for the season so far to 24-0. Now before one of you bean counters starts wise-cracking about how there's only been 22 games played so far, let me assure you that I predicted that Hall of Fame Game twice, so I'm counting that as two.
Cleveland at Detroit: There are lots of Muslims in Detroit. To show my support I say Cleveland loses. Detroit, 27-4, Inshallah.
Green Bay at Buffalo: Too cold. Neither of these towns is very diverse. But Buffalo looses. Green Bay, 6-4
Jacksonville at Tampa Bay: Both these teams are from Florida, so I suppose this is the Florida Superbowl. The original score will be Tampa Bay 14-13, but a recount will reveal that Jacksonville won 15-14. This will be appealed, but Katherine Harris will declare the game final before the courts can act. We all lose.
Miami at Pittsburgh: I'm torn on this one. Miami is the most diverse town in America, but Pittsburgh is a big Union City. I support both. No one wins! Tie 21-all.
Carolina at N.Y. Giants: This is a no-brainer. Carolina loses. Giants, 47-1.
Chicago at Indianapolis: Chicago is much larger, more metropolitan, and capitol of a Blue State. Colts lose, 25-6.
Oakland at Houston: I want Houston to lose big. Raiders over the Oilers, 23-13. (No wins for Oilers!)
Philadelphia at Baltimore: Tough call. These teams are both powerhouses, and don't oppress their players the way many others do. I'm going to support Philly, because they feature Terrel Owens, a man who isn't afraid to speak truth to power. But I don't want Baltimore to lose, they've already lost so much. Eagles, 23-22. (And also, they are named after a Rock Band, while Baltimore's team is named after a bird. This stuff matters.)
Arizona at Kansas City: Ho hum. The only good thing about Arizona is John McCain, and Kansas City abuses Native Americans with their arrowhead symbol. So they lose. Arizona, 4-3.
San Francisco at Denver: Some people say advantage Denver because they are high. I say San Fran is unbeatable this year. As a tribute to one of my favorite cities I say SF, 40-9.
St. Louis at San Diego: I'm tired. Bolts lose. Rams 7-0.
Dallas at Seattle: As much as I support Seattle over the National Capital of red state America, I'm afraid the fix will be in for this game. No way the government will let the "Cowboys" lose. Plus, the Seahawks are owned by Microsoft, and their on-line playbook was hacked into by hackers. Dallas, 112-17.
And please note: Before I'm attacked again, I don't want any of these teams to lose.
Bambi (and Greyhawks):
That is rich. Thanks for the laugh, I really appreciated it!Posted by dadmanly at August 20, 2005 02:58 PM
Huh?.... What the...I must be in the wrong house.. Wait.. I'm dreaming, yeah thats it, I'm goin back to sleep........Posted by gerry at August 20, 2005 03:01 PM
Dear Bambi, I enjoyed reading your Political Column, which you couched behind the Facade of Football. I am unsure though if you were REALLY attacking the Admin. or just poking fun at the LEFT for it's ridiculous attacks on our Admin., and our Frontliners. Anyway keep at it...
BillPosted by Bill at August 20, 2005 03:08 PM
Brilliant!Posted by Pooke at August 20, 2005 08:18 PM
Bambi - you are da bomb!
Thanks for your penetrating insight (and the laughs).
DPosted by Dinah Lord at August 20, 2005 08:19 PM
My computer must have caught a virus, There is no way this can be happening.
Or is it me with the virus?
You have my undying support. Someone needs to be a voice for the players who are needlessly injured on the football field for no reason other than to further the interests of the Needless Fleecing League. Or for the other brave players that struggle to defend their good names without the resources of the bigger teams. Their mothers deserve to never have to watch another Sunday afternoon broadcast and worry that their dear sweet innocent baby will get carted off the playing field in a golf cart.
Have you considered camping out in front of Paul Tagliabue's vacation home as a way to get the attention of the (always fair) media for those that suffer at the hands of the Needless Fleecing League-owners' cabal? Maybe you can get him to speak to you on camera with all of America watching and demand to know why he's allowing himself to be played by the misogynists and racists that obviously control everything that happens in the NFL. You could demand that everyone in all current NFL organizations, all the down way to the people who clean up the empty beer cups in the stands after the games, be turned out on the streets for exploiting those poor brainwashed football players. The post game stadium cleaning staff is just as complicit as King Paulie himself.
If you do, I can help you coordinate porta-potties for when the throngs arrive to protest this injustice. In the meantime, I'm sending you a five gallon bucket.
The players need to know that we want them to come home now, away from the Stadiums of Evil. They need to know that once this injustice is exposed, there's no way that network TV would ever switch to showing NASCAR in its place. We all know NASCAR is just a ploy of Big Oil to convince people that driving fast (and burning more gas) is cool and it's really just another way of subjugating the masses. The NASCAR people would never make a play to take over the time slots on TV and try to get people back into their pre-awareness zombie-like state of denial about how yet another sports cabal wants to make apathetic losers out of the American public.
Oh, if only the anti-football side would get off their apathetic butts to be warriors for peace and justice.
I'll follow you anywhere, unless there are fire ants. I'm allergic. There weren't fire ants a Woodstock, and I from what I remember I had a really good time.
PS I'd type this all in CAPS to show just how angry I am but my caps lock key is broken and I can't afford a new keyboard since I just spent my last penny from working at the co-op on a new pair of Birkenstocks and some funky new socks to wear under them since winter is right around the corner.