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February 07, 2005

Military Spouses

Mrs Greyhawk

This was in my email from a man who was a "former Navy pilot who spent the better part of 1967 and 68 on Yankee Station off VietNam (three month turn around between deployments)" I want to thank him for sharing this tribute but I want to thank him mostly for his time in service.

*By Paige Swiney

It was just another harried Wednesday afternoon trip to the commissary. My husband was off teaching young men to fly. My daughters were going about their daily activities knowing I would return to them at the appointed time, bearing, among other things, their favorite fruit snacks frozen pizza and all the little extras that never had to be written down on a grocery list.

My grocery list, by the way, was in my 16-month-old daughter's mouth, and I
was lamenting the fact that the next four aisles of needed items would pass by while extracting the last of my list from my daughters mouth, when I nearly ran over an old man. This man clearly had no appreciation for the fact that I had 45 minutes left to finish the grocery shopping, pick up my 4-year old from tumbling class and get to school, where my 12-year-old and her car pool mates would be waiting.

I knew men didn't belong in a commissary, and this old guy was no exception. He stood in front of the soap selection staring blankly, as if he'd never had to choose a bar of soap in his life. I was ready to bark an order at him when I
realized there was a tear on his face. Instantly, this grocery isle roadblock transformed into a human.... "Can I help you find something?" I asked.

He hesitated, and then told me he was looking for soap.
"Any one in particular?" I continued.
"Well, I'm trying to find my wife's brand of soap."
I started to loan him my cell phone to call her when he said, "She died a year ago, and I just want to smell her again."

Chills ran down my spine. I don't think the 22,000-pound Mother of all Bombs could have had the same impact. As tears welled up in my eyes, my half-eaten grocery list didn't seem so important. Neither did fruit snacks or frozen pizza. I spent the remainder of my time in the commissary that day listening to a man tell the story of how Important his wife was to him -- how she took care of their children while he served our country. A retired, decorated World War II pilot who flew over 50 missions to protect Americans still needed the protection of a woman who served him at home.

My life was forever changed that day. Every time my husband works too late or leaves before the crack of dawn, l try to remember the sense of importance I felt that day in the commissary. Some times the monotony of laundry, housecleaning, grocery shopping and taxi driving leaves military wives feeling empty -- the kind of emptiness that is rarely fulfilled when our husbands come home and don't want to or can't talk about work. We need to be reminded, at times; of the important role we fill for our family and for our country.

Over the years, I've talked a lot about military spouses..how special they are and the price they pay for freedom too. The funny thing is; most military spouses don't consider themselves different from other spouses. They do what they have to do, bound together not by blood or merely friendship, but with a shared spirit whose origin is in the very essence of what love truly is.

Is there truly a difference? I think there is. You have to decide for yourself. Other spouses get married and look forward to building equity in a home and putting down family roots. Military spouses get married and know they'll live in base housing or rent, and their roots must be short so they can be transplanted frequently. Other spouses decorate a home with flair and personality that will last a lifetime. Military spouses decorate a home with flare tempered with the knowledge that no two base houses have the same size windows or same size rooms. Curtains have to be flexible and multiple sets are a plus. Furniture must fit like puzzle pieces.

Other spouses have living rooms that are immaculate and seldom used. Military spouses have immaculate living room/dining room combos. The coffee table got a scratch or two moving from Germany, but it still looks pretty good. Other spouses say good-bye to their spouse for a business trip and know they won't see them for a week. They are lonely, but can survive. Military spouses say good-bye to their deploying spouse and know they won't see them for months, or for a remote, a year. They are lonely, but will survive.

Other spouses, when a washer hose blows off, call Maytag and then write a check out for having the hose reconnected. Military spouses will cut the water off and fix it themselves. Other spouses get used to saying "hello" to friends they see all the time. Military spouses get used to saying "good-bye" to friends made the last two years. Other spouses worry about whether their child will be class president next year. Military spouses worry about whether their child will be accepted in yet another school next year and whether that school will be the worst in the city...again.

Other spouses can count on spouse participation in special events...birthdays, anniversaries, concerts, football games, graduation, and even the birth of a child. Military spouses only count on each other; because they realize that the flag has to come first if freedom is to survive. It has to be that way. Other spouses put up yellow ribbons when the troops are imperiled across the globe and take them down when the troops come home. Military spouses wear yellow ribbons around their hearts and they never go away. Other spouses worry about being late for mom's Thanksgiving dinner. Military spouses worry about getting back from Japan in time for dad's funeral.

The television program showing an elderly lady putting a card down in front of a long, black wall that has names on it touches other spouses. The card simply says, "Happy Birthday, Sweetheart. You would have been sixty today." A military spouse is the lady with the card, and the wall is the Vietnam Memorial. I would never say military spouses are better than other spouses are. But I will say there is a difference. I will say, without hesitation, that military spouses pay just as high a price for freedom as do their duty husbands and wives. Perhaps the price they pay is even higher. Dying in service to our country isn't near as hard as loving someone who has died in service to our country, and having to live without them.

God bless our military spouses for all they freely give.

God bless America

Ms Swiney has brought some things to light I never thought of before but are so true. I have bought curtains in large sizes and for many windows, just in case. I carry the tool belt and handle the finances in the household. I've said goodbye to many friends and tend to not get as close as I did on our first tour. My kids have been thru many schools and have mastered saying goodbye, although they've found that they're not losing friends but adding new ones. And yes many birthdays and holidays have been celebrated separated from my husband and our extended family. But there is a plus side, military families travel the world and get to experience things that most Americans will never experience and in doing so, have learned not to take little things like freedom for granted.

I never felt different than other spouse but do find myself doing things differently or explaining to non military friends the where's and whys. But I must add that after 911 I have a new found respect for the spouses and family members of the police department and fire department. We may be separated occasionally from our spouses and aside from war time do not face fear, but the spouses of our fine police and fire department face fear day in and day out, in and out of war. So I'm humbled by them.

Update: (From comments)

Unfortunately, Ms. Swiney did not write about the things you are mentioning. She wrote the commissary story only. When you read "Over the years I've talked a lot about military spouses..." and the rest is a verbatim copy of my article "The Difference" which has appeared in many papers and two book collections. In April, it will be published in "Chicken Soup for the Military Wife's Soul." Paige's story is good. I don't know why she felt she needed to copy mine. In any case, it is a hearfelt tribute to not just my spouse but to all military spouses. I did want you to know who really wrote it though...
Very Respectfully,
Steven A. Arrington, Colonel, USAF (ret)

Thank you sir! We'll always offer credit where due, and obviously you deserve much. When I first read the piece I thought it sounded like a compilation of several different sources, and as the commenter immediately after you noted that's exactly the case.

Col. Arrington, I believe that you have been more a victim of internet mutation than malicious intent (both pieces well written, and true):
http://www.americanmilitaryspouse.org/resources/story_01.asp

Posted by Max Bremer at February 9, 2005 02:44 PM

The link provided by Mr Bremer reveals the original piece by Ms. Swiney, which credits you for your work.

What I find interesting is not only did the blogosphere's "self-correcting feature" work swiftly in this instance, I also learned of an awesome military spouse website I was previously unaware of and a great looking book coming soon.

Thanks to the awesome readers of the Mudville Gazette for making sure the truth is told!

Posted by Mrs Greyhawk at 01:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (23) |

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In my opinion that's why military families deserve appreciation for the sacrifice they make on our behalf. When I say I support the troops - I mean the whole troop - family and all. Without your support they could not do their jobs. We are eternally grateful to the families. So thank you.

Posted by Kathleen A at February 7, 2005 11:04 AM

I read an interesting observation that a disproportionate number of the folks who hold things together either wear uniforms or iron them.

Posted by Richard Aubrey at February 7, 2005 02:21 PM

Truer words were never spoken.

Posted by Tim Heggins at February 7, 2005 04:06 PM

I've thought for a long time now that the spouse and children deserve more attention so that civilians realize they, too, make sacrifices. It's easy to spot someone in uniform and say a thank you or a welcome home, but the families are more invisible and have earned equally a sincere thank you.

And here's mine: thank you, Mrs. G. and all the other families of service members. And thank you for the post reminding us that behind the soldier is his family.

Posted by Retread at February 7, 2005 04:25 PM

Mrs Grayhawk - Thanks for sharing that letter. It's a great reminder that the support we give should spread to all of the families, as well as the troops, as you all sacrifice much that we take for granted.

Posted by Barb at February 7, 2005 06:54 PM

WoW. From a former AF brat, thanx.

Posted by ThomasAgee at February 7, 2005 07:33 PM

I have always been aware of the sacrifices of military families, but never given much thoutht to the families of police and firemen. Thank you for that perspective.

Posted by Lucille at February 7, 2005 07:35 PM

Thank God men don't cry.
Often.

Posted by Walter E. Wallis at February 7, 2005 07:44 PM

I stand in awe of the resilience and courage of military families. Thank you ALL for your service. My thoughts and prayers are always with our military men and women, AND their families.

Posted by Beth at February 7, 2005 10:29 PM

That was a very powerful letter,thank you for sharing. God bless both our troops and their families. America is greatful for the scarifices you all make. Thank you for also reminding us that there are those here at home protecting and sacrificing everyday for our safety too. We love every single one of you.

Posted by DebbieR at February 8, 2005 12:10 AM

Dear Mrs. Greyhawk,

My wife and I both got choked up as I read it to her, and I couldn't help thinking of my mother, who raised 9 children while bouncing around the world, usually having to be as responsible for other Army wives and their familes as my father was for the men he commanded. Military wives work as hard or harder than their husbands, often at the cost of their own dreams and aspirations. God bless them, and you for sharing this wonderful story.

Posted by Uncle Mikey at February 8, 2005 12:21 AM

Thank you Mrs G, your children, and Greyhawk for all you do for our country. I'm in awe of you all.

Posted by Maggie at February 8, 2005 02:37 AM

Mrs. Greyhawk. When I read this story, all I could think of was my father. He lost his wife, (my mother), 5 years and four months ago. They would have been married 50 years and everyday he still takes time to remember her. He still has some of her shoes in the same place she left them. He cleans around them, but keeps them there as a remembrance of her. I grew up overseas, going to many different places that people only dream about and I am grateful for every chance we had to meet new people. Sure we lost quite a few friends as my father's tour ended in one place and moved to another. I am proud to be an Air Force brat, and all of the opportunities that we had through many difficult transitions from one base to another. I'm a naturalized American Citizen due to some red tape and out dated legal law, but I am proud to be an American, and proud of what my father did for his country. I am more proud of what my mother did all those times that Dad was TDY. She was truly the head of the household and main disciplinarian when her son�s got out of hand. She had to deal with so many things on her own and without a �rule book�, it�s a wonder how she kept her sanity. If anyone deserves a medal, it's my mother. And to all the military spouses and families, who have, in their own special way, fought for this country's freedom, I salute you. Sometimes the families of military personnel are the forgotten warriors. Sometimes! I just wanted to thank you for this wonderful story. It brought tears to this 40something year old man�s eyes.

Posted by Michael at February 8, 2005 08:02 AM

Thank you, Thank you for your thoughts and putting down something that needed so much to be said and said again. The ones left behind, left to make it and make it work are the real heros in the Military.

Your story about the old man at the PX struck a note with me also. My Dad was nearly destroyed by the passing of his life long companion and best friend, his wife. Well, for that matter so was I, as an only child. He told me one day as I caught him going through the family picture album, that when he thought he could'nt make it another day without her he would go through the album and look at the pictures and what she had written below each one. It gave him strength he said, to continue on.

When I went to Nam, My wife to be, was young and stayed with her parents. But she was determined to have our home ready for my return. I had purchased (begged, borrowed and barely making payments) an old place in the country. In the two years and some months that I was gone, she worked and helped make payments, hired and fired contractors, did much work herself, begged and got help from friends and her Dad (who was a retired carpenter, but disabled).

She had sent a few pictures to me, over the years I was gone, but when I got out of W. Reed and came back to West Texas and I drove up to the place that I remembered as an old, almost falling down house, I could not believe my eyes.

Without going into detail, it was completely restored and improved. From the roof down to the flowers and trees that she had planted herself.

We were married and have lived in that little county home since. She has passed but everyday I am reminded of her hard work and her love for me, left behind for me, in our little house in the country.

Papa Ray
West Texas
USA

Posted by Papa Ray at February 8, 2005 01:40 PM

Dear Mrs. GreyHawk,

Your post has focused my faith and love in my wife. Many harrowing sea-wife stories can she tell of the wandering seafarer leaving her with the kids and galavanting off to sea for fun and profit. I left her pregnant with one small waif and she promptly broke her foot on a toy my son had so helpfully deposited in her path. I was gone for an additional 65 days while it healed. She remembers.

On my first deployment, I left her alone for 62 days, and frolicked with seals and polar bears while she sailored on at home with previously unknown lumps in her breast. They turned out benign, but she remembers.

Later, when she was pulled over by the base police late one night, after she and the girls attended Mongolian Barbeque at Hickam O Club, due to an expired inspection sticker. The officer merely asked if her husband was a submariner, and was he deployed. Whereupon, the affirmative being her answer to both questions, he simply asked her to get the car inspected and wished her a happy deployment, offering her his condolences on my absence. She remembers.

When my son took to attending his basketball games at school over 60 minutes from our house in GA, after she drove there and back twice a day already, she merely asked that I be the one who took him to and from these games so she would not have to be on the road for 4 hrs a day amongst all the other daily requirements of our lives. I repaid her a month later by leaving for 35 days to replace an officer whose wife had herself grown ill. My son made his games. She remembers.

Yet I remember the woman who sent me off to do battle with sea serpents, and resist the mer-maids, while combating the evil mer-men with the photos of her and the kids and her soap and perfume on her cards and letters. She doesn't complain about our life of the past. But I remember how she shouldered her part and mine. I remember.

Subsunk

Posted by Subsunk at February 8, 2005 04:40 PM

This was a very touching post. I do know the sacrifices made by the entire military family. But others may not think about the sacrifices made by the spouses and children, as well as the support that they provide. It is unfortunate that Greyhawk will not be with you for your birthday. But, I'm sure all the little hawks will keep you company.

Posted by nanahawk at February 8, 2005 05:51 PM

If you're reading this, you've likely seen it, but just in case, I'd like to recommend 'We Were Soldiers'. It's pretty much the only movie I've ever seen that deals with the families back home.

Also, the novel 'Gates of Fire', about the Battle of Thermopylae and the effects of the martial life on Spartans and their families. Great historical fiction.

Posted by Otis Wildflower at February 8, 2005 06:32 PM

I am a 47 year old, and I think that letter describes my mother. She married my father in 1948, right after she graduated high school. He enlisted in the Navy as an enlisted man. Died active duty in 1974 as a LTCR, waiting for his final promotion (limited duty officer). He started in old Fleet Boats, plankowner on Skipjack, then transfered to Carriers. They, and then my sister, self and younger brother lived so many places I have lost track, and can no longer ask them, they are both gone. She took care of us, the very frequent moves, all the financial things (my dad often spent more than he should), and everything else the head of household has to do. I miss her, and him. I grew shallow roots as the letter said, but learned much.
God Bless military spouses and families, without them we would have no military.
Dave Glaspell
Honolulu, HI

Posted by Dave Glaspell at February 8, 2005 07:42 PM

Being born into the Army (I was born in Germany, where dad was posted), I didn't really think of anything unusual about it, since all my childhood friends were also millitary born. Dad got out when I was 10, and I finally had 1 school system to go to. My siblings were too young to remember all the shuffling around. Didn't strike close to home until a college class where a classmate had to interview me as part of the project, and a different project where each person brought in an object from thier childhood for another classmate to comment on. The classmate who interviewed me was considerably younger than me (I went to college in my mid-30's) and couldn't understand how I could have lived that way. My childhood item was my dad's medals and insignia, as that was what most shaped my life then. The childhood item that I was handed to comment on was a newspaper from a paper route that someone else had when they were a kid. I said that I missed out on having things like paper routes and lemonade stands when I was a kid. The frat boy who had to comment on my dad's medals and insignia got an F for the project. He had nothing to relate it to. It was then that I knew how much "they" didn't know, and how much I benefitted from it.
Strange, but true, I ended up marrying a "working" musician, who also is not home much of the time. Been married for going on 16 years. He has friends on thier 4th divorce. I think of my childhood as my prep for married life now. As I tell those who can't believe that I have stayed married to a touring musician for this long, it takes a special breed of person and a special degree of faith to live this type of life. There are many the day that I call my mom wondering how she did it.

Posted by Becky in Ohio at February 8, 2005 10:42 PM

Unfortunately, Ms. Swiney did not write about the things you are mentioning. She wrote the commissary story only. When you read "Over the years I've talked a lot about military spouses..." and the rest is a verbatim copy of my article "The Difference" which has appeared in many papers and two book collections. In April, it will be published in "Chicken Soup for the Military Wife's Soul." Paige's story is good. I don't know why she felt she needed to copy mine. In any case, it is a hearfelt tribute to not just my spouse but to all military spouses. I did want you to know who really wrote it though...

Very Respectfully,
Steven A. Arrington, Colonel, USAF (ret)

Posted by Steve Arrington at February 9, 2005 03:59 AM

Col. Arrington,
I believe that you have been more a victim of internet mutation than malicious intent (both pieces well written, and true):

http://www.americanmilitaryspouse.org/resources/story_01.asp

...the kind of emptiness that is rarely fulfilled when our husbands come home and don�t want to or can�t talk about work.

I�m reminded of an article attributed to Col. Steve Arrington: �We need to be reminded of the important role we fill for our family and for our country. Over the years, I've talked a lot about military spouses...

Posted by Max Bremer at February 9, 2005 02:44 PM

I agree wholeheartedly to all that was said. I to at one time was an Army Wife, but now I am part of the new breed of army wife,I am an Army Reserve wife(who bears a close relation to a National Guard wife) whose husband is gone for an indefinite time, left behind in a civilian world who has no concept of the stress we are undergoing, who don't understand the army lingoand must exist in a society of "why would your husband do that to you" people. I am fortunate to have had that "real army" experience but to those in my shoes who haven't I feel true sorrow for them. They do not have the support of the "army wife" system that exists on an army base.

Posted by Karen at February 10, 2005 12:40 AM

It seems that the Lord made men a little weaker. We don't do well living longer than our wives or, especially, our kids.

Where would we be without... I can't even imagine.

Posted by JoeS at February 14, 2005 02:41 AM

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