Trick or Treat (Part II)

The Mrs emails: "I had a nightmare last night..."

I'm thinking, Uh-oh, here it comes, signs of stress. Sure, I'm in Iraq and she's in Germany handling the kids and the house and the cars and the dogs and the bills...

Here's what I'm expecting: "I had a dream and you were hurt" or killed or whatever. You tell people it's not that bad and they want to believe but they keep getting bombarded by slanted news stories and just because it's not that bad doesn't mean it's without danger and what about those rockets and it's Ramadan and I read in the paper where the troops were mutinying and refusing to complete their missions and...

But the Mrs. isn't one to let that stuff get to her. At least on the surface, or at least if she does she won't let me in on it because even though it's not that bad I've got my own issues to focus on, know what I mean? And if she wasn't tough enough she wouldn't have been doing this for the past 20 years.

So don't worry about me. Know what the worst thing to happen to me today was? I watched the movie "Stepford Wives". The new version. People deserve to be punished for that movie. I'd like to ask the presidential candidates what they can do to ensure America never again has a movie that bad shown in its theaters. Seriously, I'm on board for that campaign. This movie is not so bad it's good, it's bad. Is this klunker out on DVD yet? The version I saw was pirated, the local markets are famous for this stuff. Low rent movies, usually two to four films per DVD, usually selling for less than five bucks American. Anyhow, this one was actually a video shot in the theater where the movie was showing. The camera was so out of focus at the start that the credits were illegible. Unfortunately the focus improved. I say unfortunately because if not for that I would have stopped watching, instead I wasted an hour and 44 minutes of my life on this chunk of junk. Since this was a video of a showing of the movie you could actually hear people laughing at it in the theater. At least during the early part, before they all went home.

Pathetic.

No wonder so many in Hollywood are opposed to the emancipation of Iraq. One: There are people in Hollywood responsible for this atrocity of a film. Two: GI's in Iraq are picking up copies of much of Hollywood's best work at approximately the fair market value; four movies for five bucks. I have access to a shared hard drive with approximately 200 movies on it. How's that grab you, Hollywood? We await the arrival of your best lawyers. Send Epstein and Liebowitz right over.

Okay, that was a cruel joke, but so are most of the 200 movies on that hard drive. Many are copies of those same low rent pirated videos anyway. But some of those pirated DVDs aren't bad. I saw one the other day with Spiderman I and II on one side and Shrek I and II on the other. I thought about buying that one, but really it's worth it to wait for the real thing, high quality with all the special features. For instance it would almost be worth a few moments pain to hear the director's apology excuse explanation defense commentary for Stepford Wives.

Some of the video pairings are more interesting. I saw one with Scream I, II, and III along with Mystic River. No idea how that combo came about. But today in a store I saw one that really made me laugh: Fahrenheit 911 paired with Fahrenheit 451. I never would have made the connection. There are similarities; one's a chilling look at a make-believe totalitarian world where truth is suppressed while the other is one of the best works of sci-fi of the 20th century.

I've heard that Ray Bradbury, easily one of America's finest authors, is none too happy over his pale imitator's choice of title. Who would be? I certainly hope he never sees what I saw, his nightmare story of censorship on the same DVD as a "documentary" unworthy of a trash heap. I wonder if George Orwell would be comfortable with the irony of it?

I call Moore's film garbage but like Bradbury I deplore censorship in all its forms. Truth usually wins out, at least in the minds of those seeking it. Those who want to be deceived are certainly beyond my help - you can hardly blame Moore for having the key to their wallets. If you want to be victimized by those who are willing to abuse free speech so be it. On the other hand folks genuinely looking to explore the issues could use some balance, and what's needed here in Iraq are copies of Fahrenhype 911 and Stolen Honor to go on that big shared drive with 'heit 911. If anyone wants to spearhead a campaign to get some over here I'm with you. Contact info is in the upper right corner of this web page.

Moore has a new book out featuring letters written to him from GIs who are attracted to his brand of 'patriotism'. Many of those troops discovered the rotund one via copies of his movie over here. In fact I met a guy just the other day who wrote one of the letters to Moore. He's a sharp young guy, and I haven't read his "essay" (as he described it) but I'm not too concerned. This young man is a product of a Poli Sci program of an American University. Eventually that will wear off, he'll begin thinking for himself again and some day he'll make a fine American. It's probably not hard to have a piece published in Moore's little book, and this guy is fairly well spoken, but he just arrived in country a couple weeks ago, and given that his bit was written some time back I'm not sure what sort of first-hand credibility he offers on the war on terror to Moore.

In fact I'll never know, since I don't have time to read that book in this lifetime. I have absolutely no desire to peruse something more pathetic than Stepford Wives, real-life versions of whom I'm sure are reading that book in Hollywood and elsewhere in America, and pondering whether to vote next week...

Oh, speaking of wives, I was discussing my wife and her nightmare email, wasn't I? Here's what she said:

"I had a nightmare the other night. I dreamt John Kerry had won the election."

And without me there to offer comfort. I'm sorry baby, I'll be there when I can.