Quick Reaction Farce

The Mudville Gazette proudly presents, The London Daily Telegraph and Monty Python's Flying Circus staring in "New Quick Reaction Farce Force"

France unveiled its latest plans to dominate European defence yesterday in the muddy, war-worn fields of Picardy.

Crowded into dozens of camouflaged huts were soldiers from 10 countries, including Britain, training for a new, French-led rapid reaction force which will be offered for use by both Nato and the European Union.

France hopes the force will one day rival the British-run Allied Rapid Reaction Corps, which already conducts Nato operations on the ground.

A MAN appears on the battlements. ARTHUR addresses him.

ARTHUR: Hello.

MAN: 'Allo. Whoo is eet?

ARTHUR: I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?

MAN: This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

ARTHUR: Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

MAN: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?

ARTHUR: What?

GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!

Its creation is a measure of President Jacques Chirac's desire to put France at the head of European defence and was described by France's defence minister yesterday as a "means commensurate to our ambitions".

ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?

MAN: Oh yes. It's very nice

CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.

MAN: I told him we already got one.

They all giggle.

For the past two weeks, 3,000 troops from eight European countries, Morocco and Canada, have been taking part in Opera 3T, which involves repelling a simulated invasion of northern France.

Troops from the fictional neighbour Nordland - Belgium and Germany in reality - have rolled into Hercynia - France - in an attempt to encircle Paris.

The battle is taking place only on computer screens and has been designed to see how Europe's individual command structures might interact. It has cost the French military £2.1 million to organise.

ARTHUR: Well ... can we come up and have a look?

MAN: Of course not! You are English pigs.

ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?

MAN: I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king.

GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?

MAN: Mind your own business.

Sixty men from Britain's 7th Armoured Brigade, the Desert Rats, have swapped a tour in southern Iraq for a clammy row of trailers next to a Spanish contingent. Their commander, Brig Adrian Bradshaw, broke off from reading Bertrand Russell's History of Western Philosophy to explain his group's virtual battle operations to the French defence minister, Michelle Alliot-Marie.

ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.

Murmurs of assent.

MAN: You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets.

He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.

Testing multi-national command posts is routine for Nato troops. But the presence of Mme Alliot-Marie yesterday indicated the importance France was giving the exercise.

Opera 3T comes at a time when the United States is nervous about Europe's intentions regarding defence. Mme Alliot-Marie did nothing to quell Washington's suspicions yesterday when she said a common European defence was as vital to Europe's future as a common currency.

Though she reaffirmed France's commitment to Nato, her main emphasis was on the importance of the Lille headquarters to the future of European defence.

She said a common defence force would "allow the European Union to ensure that its citizens, interests and principles are respected".

GALAHAD: What a strange person.

ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!

MAN: I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Asked why the Americans were not participating, Mme Alliot-Marie tried a fudge, saying: "But I've just met American officers here!"

Lt Gen Jean-Claude Thomann, the Commander of the French Land Force stepped in: "They are just a couple of liaison officers. Unfortunately, the Americans were too busy around the world to be part of this exercise."

France is already involved in another Nato reaction force, Eurocorps, which includes Spain, Germany and Belgium. But it has become frustrated by Germany's conservatism and envious of Britain's freedom of movement with its rapid reaction corps.

GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

MAN: No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.