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Okay may a thousand cursed greetings be showered upon your pig dog American infidel heads. Once again I am Ooglay in Baghdad, which you have rendered pre-Babylonian with your so-called smart bombings.
Have you heard of my new recording career? Here is the story in my very own newspaper.
"We must not let things slip away and our situation become desperate"... this is my favorite line of the whole thing. I thought it up myself.
Soon my other nine new employers who are wanting to rule your country as some kind of Junta if I am correctly understanding things will be making their speeches of agreements with this. I have heard through sources though that Mr Howardean is going to jump ahead of the others though and not only be first but also will insult the others for not saying something sooner.
"This is just our greatest fear become reality" He will say "because of Georgebush's actions Saddam Hussein is once again going to be the leader of the Iraqi people! This is just humiliating"
I wrote that line for him myself. The "humiliating" part is for my Arab brothers. We are hating humiliation more then anything except jews, you know. So this statement is a show of great weakness among your people and will be giving some new strength of purpose to us in our battle with you infidel dogs.
Speaking of humiliation, here is a humiliating story. I am traveling with photographer for New Yorks Time newspapers. We are almost out of film for the many pictures he is asking me to take of him "Please Ooglay take my picture with palace in background...please Ooglay to be taking my picture with this relic like I am stealing from museum...please Ooglay take my picture with hunk soldier..." so we go into little store with Fuji Film sign in window and guess what? It is store from my first day of war adventures! No! You are saying. Yes, I am saying, and same peasant shopkeeper! So the pig takes a minute to remember me and just before I am about to tell him I will be taking film without paying he is shouldering old standby Republican Guard issue FAMAS G2 and pointing the shaking business end at me!
Now is when I am running like the glorious wind sent by Allah to cool my Fabled Father's sweating face on the hottest days of Jamadi-Ul-Awwal. And blessed be the will of Allah for the shakiness of the untrained shopkeeper who blasted holes in the glass window just before I hurled myself through it into the street, and thankful as I am for the soft landing it provided I do wish it was something other than camel dung that awaited me in the gutter.
Or perhaps I am hoping that it wasn't something other then Camel dung. Better I never know, though the smell is truly haunting me to this day.
And fool of a photographer is shooting pictures! Then the shopkeeper is pointing rifle at him and pulling the trigger but again by the will of Allah who apparently cares for infidel fools too the cheap French popgun jams. Still the cameraman is apparently having some sense because he is by now stepping through the gaping Ooglay-shaped hole in the window and moving quickly out of the possible field of fire. I however, am recognizing opportunity and grabbing swiftly and left-handedly a heaping scoop of offal from the collar of my newly tailored counterfeit Brooks Brothers and hurling with much velocity in his general direction.
Then I too am running on the heels of the photographing heathen, and tripping him for fun as I pass him by.
"A thousand pardons" I explain "I certainly did not mean to cause harm." Picking up his camera though I "accidentally" open the back and expose the roll of film. He makes a crying noise.
"Again I beg for pardons, but I am not wise in the ways of these machines. Is this bad?" And I am stretching the film out as far as I can as he is standing to his feet. He is starting to say something but the ricochet of bullets from the pavement at our feet is telling me that the cursed shopkeeper is once again seeking to send me off to join my brothers in paradise. I toss the camera to the photo boy hoping to slow him enough that he will become the likely target (I will assist Allah with determining his will at any opportunity) and this seems to work because the last thing I see before running is a well placed shot that shatters the camera in his hand.
Too late though I realize that the alley down which I am fleeing is a dead end. Turning to face my assailant a stroke of genius hits me.
"Looters in your store" I shout and he turns to see someone entering his store. He fires a couple rounds in that direction but the gun jams again and now he runs back towards his store. I am hearing fighting noises from there but by now my witless pig of a photographer and I are running as swiftly as the flow of sewage through currents of the Tigris in another direction.
Never before you Americans came was I so treated in a store in my own town! I am telling you pig Americans, the lawlessness of this city of yours is a disgrace!