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Washington, D.C., IP News, Howell Raines reporting
In a spectacular show of solidarity a large contingent of international Rock Stars gave a joint press conference today on the topic of internet piracy and privacy issues.
Bono, speaking on behalf of the group Rock Against War (RAW), today praised the recent decision by the U.S. Court of Appeals for Washington, D.C., that compelled telecom giant Verizon Communications Inc. to surrender to the music industry the names of four Internet subscribers suspected of illegally offering free song downloads.
"Ze ACLU vill not be helping zem either. Now zere iz nozing shtopping us from rounding up zeese criminals und shooting zem!" Said the singer in a funny fake accent that drew a few uneasy chuckles.
"But seriously," he quickly added, "I do want to thank the suits for allowing us to keep our hands clean on this issue, and not forcing us stars to tarnish our reputations as cool, liberal, tolerant people! And thank the press for keeping this down low."
Verizon was forced to give up the names Wednesday. The Appeals Court rejected the telecom giant's request for a stay while it appeals a lower court decision won by the Recording Industry Association of America, a group assumed to have close mafia ties.
Rock Against War is an ad-hoc group formed spontaneously by all the major recording artists in the world in response to what they perceived as the "George Bush/Tony Blair/John Howard "Axis of Evil Empire Building" and resulting suspension of civil rights. Their slogan "We know who the real terrorists are!! Now appears on all members' official concert merchandise, with t-shirt sales alone meaning an incalculable exposure for the message.
Madonna, who was at the press conference via satellite from London, added "But now we're using our solidarity to fight other criminals as well, and our first target will be these slimeball internet pirates denying us huge profits by posting our copyrighted material for free downloading." The aging songstress blames dismal sales of her latest album on rampant internet piracy. "It's not the music!" she added "Because that's some of my best stuff ever. I'm still 'cutting edge', although the Bush administration's suppression by intimidation of my rights to free speech hasn't helped any!"
However, as no one was listening to her, The Fat Chick cut in. "That's right! Also, we need to do everything in our power to put a stop to the suppression of our speech and other rights by the American Government through the Patriot Act! Normal people minding their own business should not be treated like criminals!"
"Yes," concluded Bono, "that's why we've joined together to campaign to support America's Librarians in their quest to stop the evil John Ashcroft from getting in people's business!"
But the Fat Chick cut in again. "By the way, please note I'm a Rock star now. Country music sucks. Thank you."
The press conference then became impossible to understand as everyone began talking at once, completely oblivious to one another. Coincidentally the start was somewhat delayed by negotiations on order of appearance, with all participants refusing to be the "warm up act."
For IP News and The Mudville Gazette, Howell Raines reporting.
