RICK BRAGG'S NEWS BAG

Okay, most folks know I'm laid off a bit from my usual digs at the Times. No biggy, I'm not bitter, or disappointed, or psychotic, or vengeful or anything, I mean, I'm not gonna go over there and go postal or anything like that if that's what you're worried about. Forget it. I'm okay. And I'm not drinking too much either, okay? Get the "F" off my back on that one too, mother. I'm fine, okay? And Greyhawk says I can write news here at The Mudville Gazette while I'm checking my connections for something a bit more, ahhh, lucrative, shall we say?

I mean, I don't need the money. I stashed back quite a bit during my run as a Pulitzer Prize winning reporter for the Paper of Record. Oh yea, I don't need their job. You here me Howell? You Dink! I don't need you, Mr. "Sacrificial lamb", Mr "take one for the team," Mr "we gotta get a white guy, Rick, and you're it.."

Yea, whatever. Anyhow, the only condition on me here is I have to do all my own writing. Which is kind of a bummer since I never learned to type, but what the heck. "I swear on my honor as a Pulitzer Prize winning New York Times reporter that this is all my work and no one else is involved! So say I, Rick Bragg!" That good enough for you people?

Now here's the news.

I'll begin at Fox News. What morons! Here's the right-wing biased crap they call news. Someone's faxing letters to a paper in Britain claiming to be Saddam Hussein. They better not be lying, 'cause anyone who puts the wrong name on their work gets fired! Right?

And some of the greatest politicians of our time go to Iowa and Fox News writes this: "Iowa's 2004 Democratic Voters Not Impressed So Far" about it? Yea, no bias there. I'd fire the whole staff if I was in charge. That's an editorial, not news! I can't stand Fox! Changing channels!

World Net Daily: You gotta be kidding me! Every day's version is a hate crime against humanity! I was about to punch my Monitor because Pat Buchanan's face was the first thing I saw, but my mouse hand twitched and I clicked on this: "Poll: Clinton greater than Reagan, Washington" You're damn skippy he was! But would he help a buddy who needs a little work thrown his way? No! According to his secretary he's in the Philippines or somewhere. Probably chasing skank. I might track him down and report on him. How about it Howell? A tell-all on Clinton? (Just kidding...)

Time for a refreshing change. One more Right Wing Redneck news site and I would smash my monitor. USA Today! (I always get a kick out of that name!) there's a fresh anti-American slant I need right about now. Led Zeppelin? Led Zeppelin? I covered these guys for my High School paper! Now Led Zeppelin is releasing new CDs and DVDs? When I clicked on the Amazon Icon it said "Customers who bought Led Zeppelin also bought Viagra, Rogaine, and Preparation H"!

Hey, here's some happy news! "Chandra Levy Buried one Year After Discovery." Hey quick, name that Congressman that killed her? Hah! You couldn't do it. could you? How about this: "Derrick Todd Lee Arrest eases fears of La. women" Tell you what, I don't care, I'm not a woman!

Okay, on to CNN. "Bush Heading For Mideast", good, hope he stays there. Hey, this will be cool:
"Sony unveils new game machine!"

"TOKYO, Japan (Reuters) -- Sony, under pressure to cut costs and roll out hot new products after dismal earnings news, unveiled a game machine on Wednesday, the "PSX," that puts a TV tuner, DVD recorder and game player in a single box."

Hey, I've got a little extra time on my hands, hope it comes out soon. Oh, by the way, the part in italics isn't mine okay? I copied it from the original article. I didn't write any of the articles I've linked to here, okay? I don't want to be accused of putting others words over my name, okay? Moving on..."Bush signs $350 Billion Tax Cut Bill" Well I hope you're all happy starving to death! And he better not have cut unemployment benefits, I'll tell you what...

Okay, my blood pressure is up a bit, and I know I said I wouldn't do this, but I'm going to the Drudge Report now... Hey, a link to Maureen Dowd. You know she used to service me daily in the unisex. Not a bad gal overall, but whenever I spoke with her I got the impression she wasn't listening. So I say "Okay then, repeat what I said" and she only remembered about half of whatever it was. But it's even worse since I got fired it's not even a phone call returned. "Sorry, Bragg, I heard you'd been "downsized", and well, to be honest you couldn't afford it, know what mean?" No I don't know, Maureen. You smirky lttle...Hey! What's this? No, not the girl-friend busting webcam, this:

"HILLARY HAD THREE WRITERS FOR AUTOBIOGRAPHY" You have got to be kidding
me!? Three writers?! Three writers?! The Former First Lady now Senator only uses three ghost writers? What a cheap skate bi...

Forget it. Tell you what, I'm done for today, it's 4 o'clock somewhere! Time for the Braggster to start the party! Hoo hoo, laid off ain't all bad kids. Hey Howler! Howler! How do you like me telling the world your Christmas Party nickname Howler?

Hehe, you want stories? I got a million of 'em...

FOR THE MUDVILLE GAZETTE, RICK BRAGG REPORTING