A MUDVILLE SUNDAY

You don't need your Sunday Paper when you've got the Mudville Gazette!

Indiana Senator Dick Luger jammed his head further into his rectum then than any human in the history of the world today. Then from that position, in an effort to demonstate to the people of Indiana his flexibility and capacity to govern under any circumstances, he dictated a letter to the head of the General Accounting Office, the investigative arm of Congress, asking that he immediately begin assessing the security efforts, relief programs, economic development, procurement and political operations in Iraq.

More than a month after President Bush declared "the regime of Saddam Hussein is no more," Congress is more vigorously questioning why the administration's plan has failed to provide basic security and services in Iraq.

"It's part of the Senator's overall plan to completely and utterly self-destruct" said a spokesmoron."A plan he's been following religiously for some time. The Senator wishes to be seen as bi-partisan and reasonable, and realizes the Democrats have some valid concerns here. . Also, the Senator demands to know why Iraq isn't a free democracy yet, who really killed John Kennedy, and what's the truth about Roswell and that whole UFO thing."

"MMMMMfff yret" Added the Senator.

"What?" asked a reporter.

"mumblerfkfe vfdgeddy!" He repeated.

"I can't hear you sir"

"And the Yeti! I want to know the truth about the Yeti!"

Hey, speaking of rumors about gay Senators, circle the options that correctly complete the following:

TALLAHASSEE - U.S. Rep. Mark Foley took the offensive Thursday to address a question he acknowledged may affect his bid to become the [1. Republican/Democratic] nominee for the U.S. Senate: Is he gay?

The answer, Foley said, is that it's nobody's business but his own. He called the innuendo about his private life ''revolting and unforgivable,'' and blamed it on [2. Republican/Democratic] activists who fear his strength as a candidate.

Wrong! He's a Republican! Now all you Democrats out there wipe the circles off your computer moniters! Morons.

Hey, speaking of Democrats, when I'm not sure how to spell something I look it up. And if I make any mistakes on this website I can go back and change them with little effort. It's not like I'm carving in stone or something. This story also contains yet another use for duct tape.

(Go ahead, Democrats, if you've finished cleaning your screens please comb this page for spelling errors and typos.)

Hey, speaking of mistakes and disapointment, did you see where Jonathan Byrd, Rodney Pampling, J.J. Henry, Cameron Beckman, Paul Goydos, Tom Lehman, and Tom Pernice Jr all missed the cut at the $5 million Bank of America Colonial Open by one stroke? Man, that's close. That's gotta suck. I searched the web though and couldn't find any coments by them. I guess in America nobody cares if you can't make the cut, even if you're close. Well, you're all still better golfers then I could ever hope to be, that's for sure.

Speaking of disapointing loosers disappointing losers, I'm starting to think Jayson Blair has some issues. I mean, does he really think he can shock anybody with stories about the truth of what goes on at the NY Times? The paper he calls "my tormentor, my other drug, my slavemaster" Anybody out there who had faith in the New York Times even before the Blair story raise your hand. Okay Democrats, put your hands down now. I can't believe you raised them. Man you guys will fall for anything. Did you know the word "gullible" is not in any dictionary of the English Language?

And speaking of his roll model, hero, and subject of some of his fabricated stories, muslim sniper John Malvo, Jayson Blair says:

"The moment I began to see parallels between his life and mine was the moment things began falling apart." He writes of "how the frustrations of black men in this world can explode, crescendo into a huge rage that can manifest itself in some odd and sometimes unclear ways."

Of course he's probably lying, but any sensitive, caring American would recognoze recognize this as an anguished cry for help. This is how I hear it: "Help me, Rev Jackson! Help me, Rev Sharpton!"

Sorry, Mr Blair, The Times is on their side! (Why does that sound Ebonic?)

Still on the topic of losing, in addition to Blair The NY Times has lost one more reporter and one libel suit.

Fortunately they've gained Ooglay Hussein!

Speaking of gullibility and the Hussein boys, did you see where Uday was contemplating surrender? He just wants to be assured he'll be well treated if he does.

This situation is complicated by a language barrier, communications infrastructure problems, some religeous issues, and the fact that Uday has been dead for quite some time.