Ooglay Hussein's Diary

Hello America! Here again is Ooglay, soon perhaps to be more famous! How, Ooglay, could you, the talking of all of Hollywood, be more famous? I will be telling you the great new things that Allah wills.

I am taken to dinner with big Hollywood movie producer or director wants to make story of how evil American Georgeboosh made my country a stinking crater so he could be having my Glorious Father's Oils. Also with us is William Morris agent for Ooglay and some hooker they think will make me happy. Or maybe she is movie star, I can't ever tell. So we are eating and some drunk shows up starts bothering producer. "Hey, Alterman, what you doing? Who's your rag head buddy?" And producer doesn't want to say who I am for fear this man will exploit me (which many in Hollywood are in fear of others who might exploit me and they just want to help) but of course I already have finger curled around trigger of my glock as soon as he said "rag head" you know?

Also I should tell you, though in my country I wear business suit here it is better I wear Arab robes and headdress. This is so no one like lunatic John Ashcroft or police will bother me because it would be racial profiles, okay? Is trick I learned from Osama. Is how he travels here.

So my producer friend is telling his drunken infidel newpaper man to move on but newspaperman says something about "panning next movie" and soon Ooglay is shaking hands and hello saying with foul smelling infidel newsman. Then he is eating with us!

Okay, so soon he is saying "You know Oogie, (lots of Hollywoods call me Oogie or Oogster or something. I will laugh when they burn in lake of fire. Not after death, before. But that's another plan. Tell you later.), my man, I've got a buddy back east desperate for some diversity in his outfit. They just lost a colored guy they had working for 'em and I think you'd fit in nicely there. Interested?"

So I am wondering what is "colored guy" but soon my agent from William Morris is talking percentages and copyrights, reprints, book options, I don't know. By now we done eating and getting to part where star hooker whatever girl is really starting to bat eyes at Ooglay and telling me how she was rejected by Joe Millionaire but maybe Oog Billionaire could help her forget. Whatever. Oog doesn't care, you know? But there is room in harem. When I say this she giggles and laughs but I don't know why. "Oogman, baby, sign here." Says agent and I do, quickly, because leg rub has begun.

Okay so next day it turns out I am reporter for New Yorks Time! Yes, I Ooglay am writing now for American newspaper! This is fonny, yes? So I will be "helping to shape public opinion" is what they are saying. And "Write whatever. We have editors and translators to do the rest." So I don't know what to write first. Am I needs something different then Mudville Gazette Ooglay Hussein's Diary entries or can I be submitting them? Then I remember picture I found on refrigerator door at famous singer's house I'm staying in. Is beautiful girl picture. American girl, I'm surprised to learn. But I don't know her. So I will write in newspaper to find her!

"Hey, who is this girl? Anybody in America knows this beautiful angry girl who has captured Ooglay's heart with her hot angry good lookings and attitude please contact Ooglay through this paper or Mudville Gazette, okay? I want her!"

Now here is when Ooglay learns how good writing he is. Once editors and translators are done, it is turning out to be five-thousand word essay! Look here is first little part:

"Who is she, that gracious free spirit that gave so much of herself in so noble a cause? Can I ever get to know her now? My quest may seem futile, but I am driven, perhaps by that same sense of wanderlust and desire that drove this bright young mind to seek out a higher path, a bright tomorrow, and a better world."

I am good, yes? Wait til you see whole article in Sunday paper. Hah! I am making something of myself while my esteemed brothers can only be sitting on beach of French Riviera. I'll bet my glorious father will deliver a fisted pounding to them both when he is seeing my accomplishment. Lazy brothers! They will be getting some smacking from his sandals soon I am telling you now.

Oh, here is girl picture.

(Editors note: The complete works of Ooglay Hussein, from day one of the war through today, can be found here.)