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NOTE: This article is the third in a series. Previous entries can be viewed here and here.
Manila (IP News)
Bill Clinton's crack team of MILF hunters has infiltrated the island nation of the Philippines and begun the long awaited campaign against the "Islamic separatist guerrilla" organization. Although we at the Mudville Gazette have yet to receive direct word from the former president or any member of his MILF Squad, the Philippine military said it fired at least 135 artillery rounds on Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF) positions in two areas of Mindanao island over the past 24 hours, killing an estimated "50 or more" MILF rebels. Troops began the artillery barrage and opened extensive ground operations against the separatist bases after Philippine President Gloria Arroyo ordered "selective aerial and artillery attacks to dislodge embedded terrorist cells."
Mr Clinton's activities may be in a different sector, however. The military said 13 MILF fighters surrendered on Sunday near the central Mindanao town of President Quirino. In a somewhat confusing plane-side interview prior to departing on his mission, Mr Clinton stated "We hope to avoid violence. Our greatest desire on this mission is to achieve complete and total surrender of the MILF with minimum struggle, if humanly possible. We have items available to help us to achieve this goal. These items range from candy bars to jewelry to fur coats to expensive luxury automobiles. Which items we use to fulfill our quest will be situationally dependent on the attitude, enthusiasm, and personal appearance of our individual quarry."
The exact composition of the MILF Squad was not released prior to their departure. Some sources did claim to see an individual resembling Jesse Jackson board the aircraft. Additional speculation arose that Gary Hart had withdrawn his consideration for a 2004 Presidential bid not for the stated reasons, but in order to participate in this historic mission. In a possible confirmation on his own blog, Hart states "My greatest fear is never having another opportunity to serve my country."
In a related story, video game industry giant ElectronicArts (EA) has announced it has acquired rights to develop simulations based on the MILF Squad missions. A press release for EA states:
"We anticipate the game to be a hybrid in the first-person shooter genre, pairing elements of the state-of-the-art game engine used for the U.S. Army's "Full Spectrum Warrior" combat simulator with classic elements of Sierra's "Leisure Suit Larry" series.
