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(2300 UTC 9 Apr) I will give quick updates when I can. It's crowded where I am now. There are the whole surviving family and lots of doubles. But we get good nights sleep. Hey! You don't worry, Ooglay is safe. I see me three times on TV today! I hold up sign and picture of Georgebush! Ha Ha! Picture is from toilet paper roll, stupid pigs. Now I am safe in...No! last time I say that I get a good Air Force Bombing! Ooglay not stupid twice! I will be to writing much more soon. Keep looking! And you who came across the border from the other nations to support us, keep fighting to the death! My glorious Father needs a little more time to cut a deal with Allah...
(0012 UTC 10 Apr) Okay Ooglay just finished diary updating and sending to be posting. Now someone new shows up in underpalace escape tunnel. Who is this Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf? He is saying he is "Information Minister" but we never see him before. I am thinking he is big liar. Okay I am sleeping, don't worry if you don't hear for a while, okay?
(1800 UTC 10 APR) Okay still in the tunnel getting ready to go "up north". How you passing time? You say. Well we have game called "Who is real Uday?" that we play sometimes. Very funny with lots of doubles like now. And that reminded me to post new thing down below just a little. Anyhow if Qusay double #6 can get Satcom working (he is good at such things, trained by French!) we will all be watching Friends soon. Also maybe then we find out about lies this al-Sahhaf character is to be telling. Pull statue down of glorious father? I'm not thinking so. Uday double #4 almost shot him for his perfidy, but we have no more room for corpses here. Time for dinner. I'm supposed to cook but hey! I'll make one of my doubles do it!
(1900 UTC 10 APR) Okay now double is making dinner so Ooglay has time to issue my Glorious Father's final ultimatum to you imperialist American infidel Dogs: This is last chance to turn around your little tanks before we spring big trap and kick your ass out of Baghdad! Now Go!
Also to save face for you my Glorious Father offers this to Georgeboosh: You go on your TV and be saying "Okay, my mistake! It was translation problem. It was really Republican gardeners in Baghdad. That is why they don't fight. It was stupid mistake and Romsfelds fault, so he is fired. Soory to Iraq. We go away now." Okay? Tell America that now and we let you go home.
Also no Satcom so maybe no Friends. Hey Qusay 6, you got 15 minutes til French training gets blown out the back of your skull, okay?
(2300 UTC 10 APR) Hello it is Ooglay. Well, lucky for Qusay 6 he got Satcom working. Lots of 'Friends' fans here. Hey, you Americans can maybe explain what is something we are only thinking here: Ross is fag, yes? We can not be telling with Hollywood Americans. Well, ER is to be sucking tonight so I am going soon to sleep. Sorry for if you Americans haven't seen this yet. And hey! Where is Seinfeld Jew show? Who cares. He was funny Jew. Ooglay likes some funny singer dancer Jews. So what? We still hate your culture. A little while ago we made Uday 5 go outside (he is one who is missing arm and leg from April fools anyway, plus lost eye in explosion) and see if anyone would shoot him. He comes back with no new bullet holes so looks like is coast is clear so far. Some want to send Ooglay double, but hey! I only have 2, plus my last humanshield. Anyway, maybe before dawn we make run for "up north." Secret plan is called "Follow the Rockets".
(1000 UTC 11 APR) Shhhhhh! We are moving "up north". It is dreadful trip. Humanshield on top of limo keeps thumping roof. Hard to enjoy countryside with all that racket. Uday 5 not tie him tight enough, but not bad for one-handed man. Well, he will soon be finding we are not needing him to be alive to fool Predators Missiles. Also for further diminishing of enjoyment is from water I was drinking not in bottle I am having "stomach troubles". (I know! 'Ooglay Hussein's diarreah!' very fonny, not laughing thankyouverymuch.) And Glorious Father says "Baghdad in the rearview and we are not stopping til Tikrit". Then he is smacking Uday and Qusay double with his sandal for arguing over GameBoy. Always I am hating long trips with family. By the will of Allah may we arrive soon!
(1400 UTC 11 APR) Okay yes is slow trip for some roadblocks, okay? And here is funny story for many Kangaroo Lover Aussies okay? Ooglay knows you are reading yes? Don't be surprised! Here is not-so-funny close call as we approach roadblock. It is Aussie troops of coalition! So Glorious Father does not even begin to be producing sweat as trooper comes to look upon us in the limo. I am in fourth seat back holding gun on humanshield but behind his back because we brought him down for roadblocks and I hear Great Father telling aussieman "yes yes, that is me. Quigley Down Under" and so I am knowing he is using Tom Selleck routine on this infidel.
Now I am hoping not to laugh because this is really funny in the palace, but also the only fake ID I am having is also fake Tom Selleck ID. From look on Qusay doubles face maybe him too. So we may be in big trouble, but Aussie only askings is for autograph, saying, "Roight, well that explains the limo then. Oy hardly recognized ya what with you all covered in s*@t!" and father scribbles on paper and he gives to him and we are driving on.
But then I am looking at Qusay 3 and he is shaking and saying "Aussies too tough" or something and he had fought them before but this time Q3 has just soiled himself and is still long drive and so we slow down a little and out into desert he is goes!
This is true I swear by the hump of my camel! I don't just make it up for Australians! It was easier to fool US and Brits! There is no way this coalition could beat anyone! Fight on Arab brothers! Boo you johnhowardstonysblaireorgesboosh jews!
(1930 UTC 12 APR) Okay Ooglay is getting ready to call it a day today. It is by the will of Allah that my family is staying with good friends in what is now "Free Republic of Iraq". So now is quite time and Ooglay has been how you would say lonely? And it is that I am thinking even some American girl is pretty. You know who I mean? Is Nancy Pigloosy. Very hot, you Americans would say, and friendly. She could not keep hands off Ooglay when she is visiting in secret. But also I must be true and say she was thinking Oogly is his father. She is not so smart of a girl and also too late I am seeing she is talking too much and "hey let's watch West Wing" and also says she is something how you say "snuggler?" In fact now I am getting clearer memory maybe not so hot, but a stalker type for sure. But if she was back here now who knows? Anyway after a week you know Ooglay is really tired of putting up with all the chatter and the whining about if I am "getting her message" or whatever and so it is time for "out the door you go!" And she is stomping away down driveway to the road shoving undies in purse and "flipping bird" (I know you American customs) when Ooglay is yelling "Oh yea? It is Ooglay, not his Glorious Father, who is not even offering cab fare!" And she is saying "Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? I will have that statue torn down and pissing in fountain in my entry hall!" She points at Father's glorious statue in square and I am saying "Oh? You and what Army?" And she is turning hot red!
So anyway, if it's true what I heard about statue, maybe she is PO'd at Georgeboosh for ruining that for her too, eh? Who can tell with a woman?
(1730 UTC 13 APR) Ace of Spades? Glorious father! Ace of Hearts? Esteemed Uday! Ace of Clubs? Fearless Qusay! Ace of Diamonds? Abid Hamid Mahmud al-Tikriti. Who? Father's secretary?! Secretary! Ooglay is too greatly angered to be typing in your infidel monkey tongue now...
(0000 UTC 14 Apr) Praise to Allah that Friday the 13th is ending, even though it was falling on a Sunday this month, okay? First badness is leaving Tikrit swiftly on back of stinking pig farm truck, next is card deck, then then I see this online. And most outrageous story of all is this story with a pictures. This is to be outraged! This is Ooglay's home! So I have pictures of Dad and mistress, so what? Ooglay too angry to write today. I can't be believing that I tell about PigLoosy woman just last night and now here is place we made the movie of love showing up in our internet! Allah why are you hating Ooglay today!!!??? (oh yes, no you reading be listening to me like as if I am having their accents: Yeah Baby! Shagariffic! Pretty good huh?)
(11:00 UTC 14 APR) Hello it is Ooglay. Please to be believing I swear on my mothers purity we are not bound for Syria. We are going to Iran! We wil be in Teheran tonight. I hope Donny Romsfield doesn't find out and bomb them into stone age! Don't tell him! Then it is to Tel Aviv we go, then exile in London, okay. No Russia, too cold! Brrrrr Moscow bad! And Glorious Father is loving Fish and Chips.
And what a trip. In car with me are my esteemed brother Uday and Glorious Father, both like all of us 5 days from running water and angry as camels in season as Father is now blaming Uday for family's slightly damaged reputation. Once for peeing break Father draws his Golden Glock and puts a round into back of Uday's head (while he is facing away from Mecca if you are knowing what I am meaning). And then he is remorseful "Oh Uday my son even though you are the one who is looking nothing like me what have I done?" and I am knowing he is thinking how this will balance with building the mosques when it is standing before Allah time. But just then real Uday walks from over sand dune! He always had shy bladder, so Father shot wrong one! Well now we are having first big laugh in long time and Father is saying, "Okay Uday, you are to be getting one last chance. But in next country we take over you will start as Sanitation Department Head and work back up okay?
And Uday is saying in horror "But that is too big job in France" and my father gives him open handed slapping and I am reaching to remove my sandal but Uday puts his wretched foot on my neck and makes me stay on floor a while as Father pretends to not be noticing.
But then someone is saying "Hey there is McDonalds! Let us be stopping for lunch!"
(1400 UTC 14 APR) Okay so who would be thinking how bad things could go? Sometimes it would seem that Allah wills nothing but disaster for Ooglay and his family!
We are sitting down to eat at McDonalds because I don't know how it is in America but in Iraq they #$#^ you at the drive-through every time, okay? So first is Uday double with "Hey I said no pickle" and Qusay double saying "hey this is girl toy I am wanting boy toy" and Glorious Father says "shut up and be greatful you are having some food!" and since he was waving gun they all did.
Then we are finishing and this Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf character who is along for ride saying he is "Information Minister" but we think is just big liar starts saying "Hey did you know the McDonalds is to be putting worms in Hamburger meats? And the French Fries are made from rice! And he says it's all true he knows from friend of friend of one of his distant uncles...and don't get me started on nuggets! What part of Chicken is nugget?" But then Uday 7 who just had hamburger and fries and someone I think is real Uday maybe are drawing weapons and Glorious Father is reaching for his Glorious Golden Glock when assistant lunch manager comes running saying stop! you all are leaving now, no gun violence please! And you are in here all covered in #$%$ and smell most offensive to other respected customers! And he thinks he is big shot wirth his rocket propelled grenade launcher but Father is seeing it is useless Russian one so he gives a high sign and before smart guy knows it two Qusays and a Saddam have him face down in the french fryer, okay? So now everyone is running like crazy for doors and hey! Time to get going to Teheran not Damascus! So we pile in the Nissans and off we are going like the desert wind I am telling you! And the reason I am thinking I am cursed by Allah is because I did not get the McFlurry I was wanting so badly, you see?
(2230 UTC 14 APR) Hello stupid Americans! Here is what I am greeting you with today: Ooglay is hoping you are enjoying giving your taxes money to Georgesboosh! Maybe he will be building new statues in Basra and putting some Iraqi gas in Bart Simpson's Sport Utility Vehicle with your infidel unclean dollars stupid Americans.
And here is happy thought: Ooglay will not file his taxes this year because of Regime change! HAHAHA! This is fonny, yes? Then why when I am saying this to my Glorious Father did he strangle me like a Shi'ite Kurd?
Only thing saving me was Pete showed up. We had big delay here on road to Teheran not Damascus when we are waiting for Pete and Rasheed to bring us U-Haul trailer up from Baghdad with last of the good crap from the museum that wasn't a fake version of something we already sold years ago. So first we are thinking we are going to move Pete higher up on Death List but finally he is showing up. He had to do real TV reporter show complaining about lawlessness and looting running rampant in Baghdad now that the Americans have ruined everything in the town. He makes especially big deal about the museum things, which I think is fonny so we let him live and maybe take him off list completely. He did nothing wrong anyway my Glorious Father just puts everyone on that list to keep them in line, okay? So we send him back to Baghdad with more story ideas for him and our other friends there and off we go a little slower now cause man that is one heavy trailor, Allah be praised!
(2245 15 APR) Okay yes hello now I am needing this quickly, okay? We are going very slow yes over the mountains going into Iran pulling this big U-Haul trailer. We are not in flat desert going towards Syria. So say if you are or know anyone flying two F/A 18 Hornet Ground Attacking type aircraft bristling with shiny air-to-ground missiles and you are flying somewhere near border of Syria well, hey! That is not Saddam Hussein convoy under you okay? Those just peaceful Iraqi ladies traveling towards Syria with Uhaul. See the pretty ladies waving at you Mr F/A 18 Pilot. That is not just Hussein family painted up like French Whores okay, so go away looking for them somewhere else, okay? We are all women driving way from you. No business of yours okay don't launch those missiles just turn around tell them because Husseins are getting away and into Iran so yes please to be saving those million dollar missiles for Ayatollah whoever this week over in Iran I don't care go blow him up before Saddam gets to him with WMD okay not on road to Damascus that's someone else go away now tell them North Korea called and said Georgeboosh is big fat looser with druggy prostitute daughters you know and wife and mother ugly in 10 different ways. Go away Navy Attack Aircraft good riddance already that is not us just whistling minding own business...
(1500 UTC 16 APR) Okay so maybe you are to be telling me - is this a funny thing? We are waiting at oasis with French gas station that is definitely no-where-near-Syrian border for some of my Glorious Father's (for whom I would to this day chew my arm off if I could use it to beat on Tommyfranks and his million marines!) ministers who are to be bringing seven sacks of US dollars to us in our time of need. So we are even ignoring the buzzing predators what are flying around because hey! We have been made up to appear to be beauteous Iraqi Woman by friend who is expert at such things and who is joined us very recently. I will tell you much more of him later. But funny thing is Uday, who seemed to need less help then others in becoming more like his sister, is now getting how you say "cocky"? He is running around in open doing foul belly dancing for predator with cameras sending image to who knows. I am not liking because even though unmanned predator has what you Americans call Hellfire missile with Ooglays name on it. This is too much trust in Will of Allah for even my Glorious Father who is soon chasing Uday back into Fina Gas Station with slappings from his wondrous sandal which I would never hope to fill.
Okay so this next is not funny: we are getting tired of waiting because ministers are late and that's some big bags of money okay? Not talking about little Jumbo garbage bags here, I mean BIG BAGS and Glorious Father is getting kurdkiller face on and that is good for no man or nation I am swearing by my mothers purity you just don't want to be around when he is getting such a foul mood.
Okay so finally father says that's it we go now to Teheran! But we know somebody will die soon from this anger and so no eye contact and all move quickly to cars and trucks parked along highway a little bit away and no one even is fighting over front seats.
But one Qusay double is having to make how you stupid weak Americans say potty stop and since stupid french gas station is not having one because hey French are about making money not spending it so he is going to go outside on side of pump as joke on French owner. So he is having some trouble lifting woman Chador clothes up to begin but soon he is going nicely all over French Gas pump and never will I forget the look on this infidel dogs face as he comes out saying something foull in French about hey you gonna wipe that up with your veil, be-yat...
But that is all I am hearing because hellfire is hitting right in the precision parts because hard to convince even American that you are woman when peeing standing up you stupid child of three hyenas!
So most impressive fireball is rising and caravan is burning the rubbers and dodging pieces of everything raining down all around but soon we are gone.
And then by miraculous mercy of Allah Glorious Father is starting to be chuckling a little and soon he is laughing out loud like we have not been hearing for some days now.
"Haha" he is saying with tears running now "I always told Chirac not to build so cheap"
A much beter mood, yes? So maybe rest of trip wont be so bad after all?
(1930 UTC 16 APR) Okay now we are moving swiftly away from Damascus towards Teheran and mushroom cloud of a gas station is small blot on rearview and no one is wanting to stop for restroom breaks for some reason now. So I am having some time for the writing.
Indeed, so did I mention we are all in the finest Baghdad's womens clothing yes?And you were saying "Oh Wondrous Ooglay, for whom we wiggle mouse fingers til the cramping is too much to bear, you are leaving out something of your story, yes?" And I would be telling you "Yes, you stupid infidel swine are sharp as can be! Allah be praised for your wondrous ecucations." Long before the beginning of your illegal unilateral war against the peaceful people of Iraq my Glorious Father, for whom the clouds part for one ray of sunshine on the worst days of the year was planning for everything that could happen.
"Jacques says the US won't come. Jacques says he'll send the Foreign Legion if they do! I do not trust that perfumed belly-crawler from the sub-sewers of Paris!" Is what I remember my Esteemed Brother Qusay saying to he who gave us life. "Glorious Father I have a friend who is now in 'Consulting' business for people in our, uh, 'situation' maybe we can say.
So make it short you intention-deficit-disordering American readers! We have a 'consultant' who meets us somewhere in a tent on the road east from Tikrit. He is very tall woman, and ugly we are thinking except Uday stared a bit too much, and she seems fmiliar to me. Something maybe in the beard.
Do I know you from somewhere? I am asking and Qusay 8 is giving me a kick-in-the-shins.
"Call me O'shamus!" He says, "for sure and begorra I'm an Irish woman from county Cork" I think is what he said but I am hoping in pain on one leg because Qusay had on 'special shoes' designed by real Qusay.
Then I am settling down and stopping blood flow and I am hearing this 'Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf' character who no one knows and everyone thinks is big liar saying "I knew Osama! I was with him in the mountains! You are no Osama!"
And Uday is looking at this guy like 'what size chipper shredder will it take to shut him up' - I know that look too well - but he is still talking "Osama had distinguishing markings on his very small manhood!" Says al-Sahhaf (if that is his real name). "Prove yourself"
And I am about to say "Fool of a Camel cleaner! He said his name was O'Shamus! Not Osama!" But O'shamus says just this very slowly: "My transformation to a woman was complete."
So you can bet that shut the whole crowd up for a while there, and everyone staring at ground and not at O'shamus and kind of thinking about the future and crossing hands in figleaf position like after nasty soccer accident on TV.
But I am thinking but not saying "Complete maybe except for that two-fisted flavor savor of a beard on your chin, memshahib!" But no one wants to talk first now.
"Well..ahem..." said my Glorious Father who has gifted me with so much gift that removing would be crime I swear! "Let's just be changing into these Chadors for now..."
And we all are getting ready except I am bandaging leg now but Uday is saying "Please tell me these come in something other then black..." But I think he missed Glorious Father giving him the old "feet first or head first?" look that he uses at the shredder.
(13:15 UTC 17 APR) Hello again to America and England and Australia and also all the good countries in the world. It is Ooglay again, okay? Yes yes hello except now I am sitting in biggest Mosque in downtown Teheran, you know the one with all the tall minarets, yes? I am certainly hoping Don Satan Romsfield is not to be shooting Cruise missiles in here like last time I said where I was with my Glorious Father! (who I would never turn over for any amount I have so far heard you cheap CIA swine!) Well Donny Cowboy maybe you should take those big YankeeBritAussies away from Syria border and all major intersections on the way where they aren't needed and be moving them to Iran border where everybody is just walking across like no problem with loads of antiquities, okay? Just some advice from me because I like you, you swine.
So before telling more I must be returning to this 'Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf' character who is along for ride and no one knows him and everyone thinks is big liar. Is this CIA man? Where did he come from? Never before have we seen him but he is appearing as if by magic D'jinn just before the leaving of Baghdad. "Hey I forgot food and ciggarettes. You got some Ooglay? Hey Ooglay, my wallet in car, can you cover me for lunch?" And never around on his turn to get tab. And on the road he is saying "hey Ooglay, this is good opportunity not like Amway" whatever that is, "we can run Nigerian-type scam!" and yes that is intriguing as I am the son of deposed despot but what makes him think that Allah wills him to have a share at all?
And listen please to some other things he is saying: "I was Information Minister" and "I know Robert Fisk he can put in good word for us" and "I was on Olympic soccer team" and "I dated Madonna" you know, all almost believable stuff but no real proof, yes?
And stories, let me tell you about stories! He has one for everything!
Stop for gas: "Hey one time friend of Uncle drives from Baghdad to Cairo picks up cousin then goes on Haj to Mecca then comes back same way and gas tank still full! Opens hood and finds "Ford Experimental Engine" - Americans trying to wipe us out!"
McDonalds when Uday falls in Ball Pit: "Hey Uday one time little girl in my half brothers home town get stuck with heroin needle doing that!"
Driving with no lights in dark to fool Americans: "Hey when I was in school in Berkely I hear L.A. California gangs have initiation where they do this and kill you if you flash brights at them!"
You are perhaps getting the pictures? I mean, there is no off switch on this guy! I am not knowing why, other then the mercy that Allah expects us to show to all, that we do not snuff this twister of truth twenty times!
Who is this guy?
(20:40 UTC 18 APR) Hey look I'm writing while you reading so get ready for new stuff soon! This is important though so quick! Okay, you in the Baghdad zoo, you know what to be feeding Lions? Kurds! Feed them just Kurds! No whey! Ha! Sometimes I am making myself to be laughing so hard that I am soiling my camel-hair thong!
(22:30 UTC 22 APR) Hello it is Ooglay. Big changes are coming. Things just not the same. Other day in store Qusay 3 is angry at man selling hookahs for too much! So he says "Don't you know me?" and pulls gun and shop man says "No!" and pulls gun and then we run and he is shoting and wings a human shield still with us in Iran. So I guess we are not so popular here as Iraq. I am hardly believing we are here in Teheren staying right near Ayatollahs palace, so please Romsfield do not do your shockanaw here! We don't need Teheran (where whole Hussein family is hiding not in Iraq still or Syria and Chalabi is an idiot) to be blown into a pile of rock and donkey parts.
Okay so anyhow mostly time is boring but we all have health I suppose. We are thankful for that. Everyday we start the day in three room apartment each one saying what he is thankful to Allah for. Any of the 60-some people can't think of happy thoughts then my glorious Father (who shall be restored to full glory in big Shi'ite coup now he has converted) shoots a piece off of them and they start thinking faster then I am telling you. Usually it is just a small piece. "Now there is more room here!" says my glorious father who praise Allah still has his famous sense of humors. Pretty boring mostly but then we go beat up someone in market to keep practice. All boring until we get call from American movie maker hollywood producer. He wants deal, we say we want to disappear, and to make story short we will be going into video tape maker documentary and then reporter will help us get out of Teheran and anywhere we want to go. Deal? oh yea, is deal. Ooglay is ready to leave.
Tomorrow I tell you about making Fatwa video with big American video directors so much better then Osama videos. Ha! See you tomorrow.
(2230 UTC 23 APR) Hello peace be unto you, swine. Here again is Ooglay, once and future prince of Iraq. Smell of Spring is in air here in Teheran, smelling now the turds of a thousand camels as the warmth of spring spreads through the market stalls. Ahhhh, fresh goat's head! Ahhhhhh, the entrails of a sheep! No where is to be compared to Teheran in April! I am remembering now when spring came to Baghdad and I was a young boy! And who is not being able to relate to this: my father is on riding mower, cutting the lawn of the palace. Oh how I wished he would give me a turn! The shining of the sun, the blowing of cool breeze, the smiling of my father as he missed not a single spot! His glorious attention to detail is what brought him fame and the good will of Allah! Oh how I remember the singing of the birds, drowned out by the roar of the big tractor lawnmower and the screaming of the Shi'ites buried up to their necks...
And speaking of Shi'ites, what a good time we are having in Shi'ite country Iran. I said we were going to make movie, but not yet. Today we get so down we went to the market place for the stonings to cheer us up. This is good thing. Only criminals are stoned here. Here is murderer, here is rapist, here is his victim. Sunni do the same thing but something about shi'ite make them best of all the stoners. I think so. But Uday says no one stones like the Sauds! Then my glorious father has idea striking him fully in the face. He has (I am thinking I said this but okay here again) become a Shi'ite. And earlier to day we see Arab TV News of Shi'ites marching in "Death to America" parades. And maybe you saw them self flatulating themselves, yes? And blood covered in their frenzies? So Glorious Father is thinking and saying "Okay! Look at these crazy Shi'ites who I am one with and hating America! They are fanatic loyalists so it is good we have joined them. When is time for elections in Iraq then Saddam will be on ballot, and maybe this time he really can get 100% of the vote!
So yes, that is plan! When time is coming for elections then is time for people of Iraq to elect their Glorious Leader who fled only so to protect them from more illegal shokanaw war. Electric on, oil flowing, bombings stop, and hey! Saddam is right back in charge. Thank you USA!
And when Shi'ites get too uppity, maybe you see one with long white beard and say hay! Ayatollah! Come here! And then I will tell you you must have the special chipper/shredder in the Palace where you found my money, okay? And feet first gets Shi'ites attention and keeps them in line for a while. Also Uday has this to say: If you found the children's prison: You know what liars those children are! And if you not find it: Hey, there is no Childrens Prison here!
Got to go. Time to begin cooking Sheep Entrails.