OTT DEFENDS PLANS TO ACQUIRE BLOGGER.COM

(Rick Bragg, IP News, Washington)

International media mogul Scott Ott defended his company's proposed purchase of Google.com, telling lawmakers the deal will not hurt competition nor limit consumer choices.

"This is not anticompetitive," Mr. Ott, chairman and chief executive of ScrappleFace, told a Senate panel.

Critics sharply disagreed during the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee hearing. Several argued that the deal, combined with a Federal Communications Commission proposal to lift decades-old media-ownership restrictions, would allow a handful of giant blog operators to control what the nation watches, hears and reads. Additionally, some Senators expressed concerns over accusations in some vague "plagiarism and quote fabrication" scandal recently plaguing Ott and ScrappleFace. During open comments on those charges numerous Ott employees came forward to reveal his behavioral excesses.

Last February Google announced the acquisition of Blogger.com, the nation's largest blog provider, with 1 million subscribers. Ott's lust for Google is apparently fueled by obsessive desire to control so many Blogs.

Mr. Ott told lawmakers that he will improve Blogger by offering more ready-made templates, reliable site availability, enhanced content management and some type of archiving and perma-link system that actually works. Ott denied plans to incorporate "Comments" into Blogspot Blogs. He also ruled out going on a buying spree if the ownership rules are relaxed, telling the lawmakers that he has "no plans for anything other than [the deal] I have before you."

Opponents say that approving the deal would allow Mr. Ott to force Blog operators to link ScrappleFace on their Blogrolls, a practice seldom done in today's blogosphere. If the operators don't comply, Mr. Ott could pull the URLs off Blogspot.

Senator Barbara Boxer (C-CA) was particularly vocal in her opposition to the merger. Her questions focused on the fact that Ott gives the conservative point of view print space on ScrappleFace, adding that "someone on ScrappleFace called France and Germany 'the Axis of Weasels'."

She remarked to Ott, "You've got it all. I mean, what are you going to do with an additional takeover?" Ott responded that he only has 2.8% of the market, however, everyone thought he was just joking and laughed. Comments from at least 100 supporters and detractors followed immediately after every statement made by Ott during the course of the hearing.

The Senate hearing was the last in a series on media consolidation held while the FCC considers whether to lift its ownership-restriction rules, which media executives call outdated. The regulators are scheduled to vote June 2.

"We shouldn't have to rely on a benevolent media dictator for quality blogs," said Gene Kimmelman, senior director of advocacy and public policy for the Consumers Union, an advocacy group that publishes Consumer Reports magazine.

For The Mudville Gazette, RICK BRAGG reporting

ONCE UPON A TIME

Something to read if you haven't already. I'll be updating it this weekend. That plus a contest, plus a lot of other great things. Hope to see you here.

LOW VOTER TURN OUT?

Okay, this just strikes me as funny, but puzzling. Draw your own conclusions. The Truth Laid Bear hosts a contest for new Blogs. It generates a little interest and a few links from other sites. And about forty entries. And so far, though the contest has been going all week, 54 votes have been cast.

Now to vote you must have a Blog (there are now an estimated 3 million bloggers out there!) registered in the TLB Ecosystem (2,500 Blogs). Now if my calculator is right that means .0018% of all possible voters and 2% of registered voters have voted.

Want drama? last I checked The Gazette was tied for first with Venomous Kate with 8 votes each. A couple dark horses not too far behind. Now it's possible there's more then a few folks out there reading every post before deciding. That's cool. But I am a little disappointed in the Blogosphere, the center of free speech and democracy, producing such a low voter turn out. Part of this is probably due to "first week" issues; this contest will repeat every week and I'd expect less entries and more voters in future weeks. But for this week, GO VOTE! Here's my entry

http://www.mudvillegazette.com/archives/000142.html

but even if you don't vote for me go vote for somebody, okay? Or quit blogging about politics...

THANKS!

All the cool kids link the Gazette! Be cutting edge! Join the party today!

Thanks Graham. Should have mentioned you on the first post. I beg your forgiveness.
And thanks again to The Emperor Misha I.
And likewise thanks to Charles. My cup runneth over.
Thanks John, a righteous man on the leftest coast!
Thanks Bernie down under!
Thanks again Scott! I hope the millionth visitor enters off this link!
Thanks Gary, may your Blog be ever free from foma!
Thanks Lynn, she of the beautiful site!
Thanks Dean, Carnival barker extraordinaire!
Anyone left out? (And note previous post below) Please contact me at Greyhawk at europe dot com.

TAPS

From World Magazine:

TRIM AND MUSCULAR AT 38, 1ST Sgt. Edward Smith could leap from airplanes, survive eating insects, rappel down sheer heights, and, if necessary, efficiently dispatch a man's soul into eternity. He was a "Recon" Marine. Loosely translated, that means "Bad Dude." So when he attended the police academy at Palomar College in San Marcos, Calif., to prepare for his second career, it was no surprise that he finished first in his class.

Army Pfc. Lori Piestewa, 23, died in the same attack. The only woman to die in the war, Pfc. Piestewa, a single mom, left behind a 4-year-old son and 3-year-old daughter. Her death marks the first female loss of life in battle since American women were placed in combat. Two thousand people attended Pfc. Piestewa's Tuba City, Ariz., funeral. Her orphaned children sat in the front row.

Read the rest of this article, if you've got a few spare moments.

And this, too, if you haven't yet. It's by far the most visited page on this site. And I'm not at all jealous that the best of it was not written by me.

Help if you can.

BOB HOPE VILLAGE

Here, go check this out. . Have some fun, then come back here and read this.

1995, Eglin Air Force Base, NW Florida
An old old man stands assisted on "the ramp", the acres and acres of pavement where aircraft are parked and taxi; where they are when they are on the ground but not on the runway or in a hangar. An Air Force aircraft stands ready to transport this man, probably would transport him anywhere in the world if he said "go." He is not in the military; has never been. He is frail, skinny-legged to the point one wonders how he could stand. He is however, in the service, and has been for most of his life.

Bob Hope, of course. The legend. He has retired from all performances save one. He does an annual fundraiser for Bob Hope Village, the Air Force Enlisted Widows home just outside the gates of Eglin in beautiful Shalimar, Florida. Here live the widows of the men who defeated Hitler, and of some who held the 38th Parallel that stands to this day as the frontier of freedom from communist tyranny. Some served from WWII through Korea and Vietnam before retiring, to modest pensions and better times. All were heroes.

These are not spacious luxury accommodations by any means. Those who live there would not be familiar with that lifestyle. They probably moved to new "quarters" every two or three years for most of their lives, getting rid of much of their possessions each time to remain below the woefully inadequate weight limits imposed on the military. These women are used to a simple lifestyle, and that is what this place offers. But for this these surviving members of the Greatest Generation would have nothing.

Had you even heard of this place before? If a modern celebrity were to support something of this nature it would be trumpeted constantly in the press. The cameras would not stop rolling.

There were no cameras on the old man being helped into the plane. There was only local news coverage of his last ever show. Undoubtedly none was sought. He would not return again. Fitting that his last performance was so low key, and for a cause he truly believed in. Bob kept the faith with the laughing men in the old grainy film, the crowd at the USO shows. He has given back like few before and none since.

Now it's 2003. My children are 17, 15, and 12. They do not know this man. That's the passage of time, but also my fault. We're going to fix that with some videos. Can't rent 'em here, but Bob's stuff is dirt cheap at Amazon - all the Road movies on DVD, thirty bucks. A little less then whatever the latest SNL deserter's stuff would cost.

So that leaves me something for the widows too.

Happy birthday, Mr. Hope. And thanks for the memories.

Bob Hope Village

THE GREAT B'LOG-O FIRE

(All over America, IP News, Rick Bragg Reporting)

Devastation struck the Blogosphere today, as several crucial servers might have burned, leaving countless Bloggers homeless, with no where to turn and nothing to do.

"We're stunned, right now...just stunned. I'm at a loss for words..." stated one, leaving many to question whether she was a blogger at all.

"It was my fault," whispered a young blogger, "I had a really hot discussion going, I mean, I'd heard of flaming before but this..."

Still others sifted quietly through the wreckage of their broken dreams. "I heard a roar, like a freight train, and the next thing I knew I had the blue screen of death." Stated one tired looking pundit. "Fortunately from years of tech support servitude I knew exactly what words to hurl at the screen in precisely the right sequence while simultaneously unplugging the computer. I was saved, but not by much. I'm still not sure about my comments and archives. And I never backed up my templates. Others are even less fortunate." he concluded, nodding towards a small group of lost individuals, spinning in circles in the street.

"I had to comment on an unfamiliar site last night." Said one, "I felt so...vulnerable, so... exposed..."

"Oh my gosh" stated another, a look of horror spreading across her face, "I might be able to use my old blogspot site still..."

Ohhh the humanity!

"What we had there was a main server meltdown near the thermo nuclear reactor core," stated an official for the newly formed Department of Homeland Security, "or maybe somebody just spilled a coke or tripped over a plug, we don't know. That's what we call the 'fog of war', which is the cool way to say we are clueless. The important thing is no one got hurt, there's no cause for further alarm, and the Threat level..."

"What about Ashcroft?" Shouted a Blogger from the left, "where was he when all this happened?" Bringing out a chorus of "Yea!" from his side of the street. "I suppose this will be used to justify war with Iran?"

"How do we know this wasn't the work of a re-energized Al Queda?"

"Where was Daschle? shouted back from the right, and "I've heard the Dixie Chicks have written a new anti-blogging song. Has anyone heard it yet? Hey, is that fat guy over there with a camera and the pizza Mike Moore?"

The street quickly emptied as Bloggers from both sides rushed towards the hapless cameraman, who plodded quickly away, screaming. Still several pundits remained milling about in the street, completely at a loss for what to do. Trying in vain to calculate exactly how many hits they had missed so far during this tragedy of epic proportions.

"I was about to get a link from Glenn..." sobbed one, as a friend helped him back from a bridge.

"When will it stop?" Asked another, "none of this would have happened if George Bush hadn't stolen the 2000 election you know"..

FOR THE MUDVILLE GAZETTE, RICK BRAGG REPORTING

RICK BRAGG'S NEWS BAG

Okay, most folks know I'm laid off a bit from my usual digs at the Times. No biggy, I'm not bitter, or disappointed, or psychotic, or vengeful or anything, I mean, I'm not gonna go over there and go postal or anything like that if that's what you're worried about. Forget it. I'm okay. And I'm not drinking too much either, okay? Get the "F" off my back on that one too, mother. I'm fine, okay? And Greyhawk says I can write news here at The Mudville Gazette while I'm checking my connections for something a bit more, ahhh, lucrative, shall we say?

I mean, I don't need the money. I stashed back quite a bit during my run as a Pulitzer Prize winning reporter for the Paper of Record. Oh yea, I don't need their job. You here me Howell? You Dink! I don't need you, Mr. "Sacrificial lamb", Mr "take one for the team," Mr "we gotta get a white guy, Rick, and you're it.."

Yea, whatever. Anyhow, the only condition on me here is I have to do all my own writing. Which is kind of a bummer since I never learned to type, but what the heck. "I swear on my honor as a Pulitzer Prize winning New York Times reporter that this is all my work and no one else is involved! So say I, Rick Bragg!" That good enough for you people?

Now here's the news.

US PLANS HAPPY FUN CAMP

(CUBA, IP NEWS, RICK BRAGG REPORTING)
The US, in conjunction with McDonalds and the Disney Corporation, has floated plans to turn Guantanamo Bay into a Happy Fun camp, with its own midway and IMAX theater. Plans to include a brothel on the premises have also been discussed.

Prisoners would be fed, thrilled, and entertained without leaving its boundaries, without cost to themselves and without a care in the world, The Mudville Gazette has learned.

The plans were revealed by Master Sergeant Frank Lee Whompass, a veteran of several campaigns including the recent war in Iraq who is now in charge of recreation at the (currently) dilapidated facility. "On Fridays we'll have weenie roasts", said Whompass, "and on their birthday everyone gets cake."

The prisoners have been held at Camp Delta on Cuba without charge for 18 months, and are clamoring for some form of entertainment. Whompass said building a Fun Camp was one plan. Another was to just set up monkey bars, with possibly a full obstacle course.

The move is seen as logical by the US, which has been attacked worldwide for breaching the Geneva Convention on prisoners of war since it established the camp at a naval base to hold murderous psychotic terrorists from Afghanistan.

But it has horrified victim's rights groups and lawyers representing those victims. They see it as the clearest indication America has every intention of falling in line with internationally recognized "justice". The US had previously said detainees would be tried by tribunals, without juries or appeals to a higher court, and that detainees will be allowed only US lawyers.

British activist Stephen Jakobi, of Fair Trials Abroad, said gleefully: "Screw the victims. These poor detainees are the victims. The US is finally bowing to pressure to conform with European and international justice."

American law professor Jonathan Turley, who has led US civil rights group protests against the military tribunals planned to hear cases at Guantanamo Bay, said: "It is a welcome development the authorities are building a Happy Fun Camp, because who doesn't love a Fun Camp? Hopefully, though, there will be additional alternatives for those detainees who desire other forms of entertainment."

"This camp was created to amuse people. The administration thankfully has no interest in overly harsh, long-term prison sentences that simply further enflame the anger felt by people it regards as hard-core terrorists."

The UN admitted it had been kept in the dark about the plans, but was ecstatic at the prospective developments. A UN spokesman said gleefully: "The US Government is well aware of the United Nations long standing enthusiasm for brothels."

FOR IP NEWS, RICK BRAGG REPORTING

Thanks

Updated, expanded, sorry if I missed you the first go round. No matter how big or small, whether you sent me 5 visitors or 500, the effort was the same and was appreciated. And if you see somebody on this list you've never visited, (or haven't lately) how about clicking them?

In random order:
Thanks Scott! Thanks Misha! Thanks Frank! Thanks Kathy! Thanks Michele! Thanks Laurence! Thanks Susanna! Thanks Angelz! Thanks Serenity! Thanks Lisa! Thanks David! Thanks Scott and Ellen! Thanks Chuck! Thanks Jeff! Thanks Sean! Thanks Hindrocket! Thanks John!
Thanks Google!

I hope that someday these links will send you a thousand hits! ;)

It's possible that you've linked me and I don't know it. If so, email me at greyhawk at europe dot com or comment here. And if you haven't linked me, why not?!!!;)

Seriously though. The Bear is having a little contest. I've entered, and sure, I'd love it if you'd link to my entry. (Heck, I'd appreciate it if anyone would read my entry.) But if not, at least get over there, check out the competition, and link someone, okay? Or many someones. I'm not sure what the rules are...

And if you've got a new Blog, go enter! Maybe I'll link you!

JOHNNY LIGHTNING UPDATE

My essay Heat, Speed, and the Johnny Lightning Special has been completed, and is ready for your review. Yes, you. I value your thoughts and opinions. Scroll down or click here. (And if you thought it was about auto racing, you were wrong.)

A CHANCE TO GIVE BACK

3 Jun 03 Update: Here's the latest from The Intrepid/Fallen Heroes Fund. Please consider supporting this most worthy cause.

Anheuser-Busch has donated $1 million to create the Intrepid/Anheuser-Busch Fallen Heroes Fund, which will provide scholarships to spouses and children of U.S. military and coalition personnel killed during the war in Iraq.

I've found no word yet on how to donate to this worthy cause. There is an e-mail address on the Intrepid contacts page, and I am awaiting a reply to my inquiry. I am sure they are likely swamped with contacts right now. I will post immediately when I find out.

Here's why I think it matters: Sacred Words

I would add that speaking as a career military guy, I know of no finer military-related charitable organization then the Fisher House Foundation. (See full press release below.) They do have an online donation form set up, and it can be found here. The Fisher family suffered it's own personal tragedy and the military lost a great friend recently, an event practically unnoticed during the early days of the war.

Update: 'Gary' posted the following in comments. You may consider paying these folks a visit:

Here's another good organization for helping our fallen heroes:
http://www.fallenpatriotfund.org/

Thanks Gary!

The complete Anheuser-Busch press release can be read below. (And hey, I'm ready for a cold one!)

A MUDVILLE SUNDAY

You don't need your Sunday Paper when you've got the Mudville Gazette!

Indiana Senator Dick Luger jammed his head further into his rectum then than any human in the history of the world today. Then from that position, in an effort to demonstate to the people of Indiana his flexibility and capacity to govern under any circumstances, he dictated a letter to the head of the General Accounting Office, the investigative arm of Congress, asking that he immediately begin assessing the security efforts, relief programs, economic development, procurement and political operations in Iraq.

More than a month after President Bush declared "the regime of Saddam Hussein is no more," Congress is more vigorously questioning why the administration's plan has failed to provide basic security and services in Iraq.

"It's part of the Senator's overall plan to completely and utterly self-destruct" said a spokesmoron."A plan he's been following religiously for some time. The Senator wishes to be seen as bi-partisan and reasonable, and realizes the Democrats have some valid concerns here. . Also, the Senator demands to know why Iraq isn't a free democracy yet, who really killed John Kennedy, and what's the truth about Roswell and that whole UFO thing."

"MMMMMfff yret" Added the Senator.

"What?" asked a reporter.

"mumblerfkfe vfdgeddy!" He repeated.

"I can't hear you sir"

"And the Yeti! I want to know the truth about the Yeti!"

Hey, speaking of rumors about gay Senators, circle the options that correctly complete the following:

TALLAHASSEE - U.S. Rep. Mark Foley took the offensive Thursday to address a question he acknowledged may affect his bid to become the [1. Republican/Democratic] nominee for the U.S. Senate: Is he gay?

The answer, Foley said, is that it's nobody's business but his own. He called the innuendo about his private life ''revolting and unforgivable,'' and blamed it on [2. Republican/Democratic] activists who fear his strength as a candidate.

Wrong! He's a Republican! Now all you Democrats out there wipe the circles off your computer moniters! Morons.

Hey, speaking of Democrats, when I'm not sure how to spell something I look it up. And if I make any mistakes on this website I can go back and change them with little effort. It's not like I'm carving in stone or something. This story also contains yet another use for duct tape.

(Go ahead, Democrats, if you've finished cleaning your screens please comb this page for spelling errors and typos.)

Hey, speaking of mistakes and disapointment, did you see where Jonathan Byrd, Rodney Pampling, J.J. Henry, Cameron Beckman, Paul Goydos, Tom Lehman, and Tom Pernice Jr all missed the cut at the $5 million Bank of America Colonial Open by one stroke? Man, that's close. That's gotta suck. I searched the web though and couldn't find any coments by them. I guess in America nobody cares if you can't make the cut, even if you're close. Well, you're all still better golfers then I could ever hope to be, that's for sure.

Speaking of disapointing loosers disappointing losers, I'm starting to think Jayson Blair has some issues. I mean, does he really think he can shock anybody with stories about the truth of what goes on at the NY Times? The paper he calls "my tormentor, my other drug, my slavemaster" Anybody out there who had faith in the New York Times even before the Blair story raise your hand. Okay Democrats, put your hands down now. I can't believe you raised them. Man you guys will fall for anything. Did you know the word "gullible" is not in any dictionary of the English Language?

And speaking of his roll model, hero, and subject of some of his fabricated stories, muslim sniper John Malvo, Jayson Blair says:

"The moment I began to see parallels between his life and mine was the moment things began falling apart." He writes of "how the frustrations of black men in this world can explode, crescendo into a huge rage that can manifest itself in some odd and sometimes unclear ways."

Of course he's probably lying, but any sensitive, caring American would recognoze recognize this as an anguished cry for help. This is how I hear it: "Help me, Rev Jackson! Help me, Rev Sharpton!"

Sorry, Mr Blair, The Times is on their side! (Why does that sound Ebonic?)

Still on the topic of losing, in addition to Blair The NY Times has lost one more reporter and one libel suit.

Fortunately they've gained Ooglay Hussein!

Speaking of gullibility and the Hussein boys, did you see where Uday was contemplating surrender? He just wants to be assured he'll be well treated if he does.

This situation is complicated by a language barrier, communications infrastructure problems, some religeous issues, and the fact that Uday has been dead for quite some time.

PENTAGON DENIES LYNCH LED RAIDS

(WASHINGTON, IP NEWS, RICK BRAGG REPORTING)
The Pentagon today denied allegations that PFC Jessica Lynch led a commando raid that destroyed offices of the BBC and the NY Times. Despite claims to the contrary from both news organizations, Army officials stated that the young woman is still recovering from injuries sustained in the recent war, and as such was "absolutely incapable of participating in any combat activities, no matter how desirable those activities might be." This claim was supported by Lynch's father, speaking from his front porch overlooking his extensive acreage of tobacco fields.

Spokespersons for the well-respected news organizations, however, tell a different story.

“It was like a Hollywood film,” said the BBC mouthpiece. “They cried, ‘Go, Go, Go!’ with guns and blanks and the sound of explosions. They made a show, an action movie like Sylvester Stallone or Jackie Chan, with jumping and shouting, breaking down doors. Frankly, I wet myself”

"Yes, exactly the same at the Times." echoed someone claiming to be their spokesperson. "Except for the pants wetting. That didn't happen here. Quit staring at my crotch."

Efforts at independent verification of any version of this story returned no results. A recent Yahoo! news search turned up 43 stories about Lynch — mostly about disgraced New York Times reporter Jayson Blair’s having never visited her home despite feigning a description in a story.

FOR IP NEWS, RICK BRAGG REPORTING

WELCOME TO THE ALL NEW MUDVILLE GAZETTE

Welcome. I used to live on Blogspot, now I'm here. I won't bash Blogspot or the people on it, but I do like it better here. However, I left my comments behind. So please feel free to leave me some of yours here if possible.

My Grand Opening Celebration continues this weekend. Lots of things planned. Finishing my Indy 500 post (which isn't really about auto racing) and adding extensively to Democracy, Whiskey, Sexy? Post.

Ooglay might be appearing too. As well as a few updates to some running stories, and if Uday gets caught I'm all over it!

And if you're new here and have read the front page stuff and want to know what I'd do next if I were you, I'd check the category archives over there on the right, read Greyhawks War or Ooglay Hussein's diary. then the other one. I may complete an "About me" page over the weekend, but it will probably tell less then most. I suppose I'm an international man of mystery.

Hey, did I mention contests could occur?

You should join us for the fun!

HEAT, SPEED, AND THE JOHNNY LIGHTNING SPECIAL

PART I
If you travel 2.5 miles in 45 seconds, you have averaged 200mph. I know this because 2.5 miles is the distance around The Track. If you don't know it as "The Track' then you aren't from Indy. (But that's okay. I'm hardly from there myself now.) But I was a ten year old kid once sitting in the crowded stands using a stop watch (pre digital, kids!) timing cars as they ripped the shimmering sky above the hot pavement of that glorious black oval in quest of the legendary, mythical, 200 mile-per-hour lap. The first to achieve it would be elevated to Godhood in Indianapolis. In a town without pro football, with only an ABA basketball franchise and a Cincy Reds Farm team, The Track in May was it, and it was all we needed.

And everyone had a favored driver who had to be the one to do it! Mario Andretti, Peter Revson, Al Unser, Bobby Unser, Mark Donahue, Dan Gurney, Gordon Johncock; the Texans! - Johnny Rutherford, Lloyd Ruby, and The Legend, The Man, A.J.Foyt. The names to me just sound right for the type of guy who would strap himself into an open wheeled rocket and launch himself into four hard lefts, two short chutes, and two long straightaways 200 times at close quarters with 32 other like minded steel-nerved maniacs.

I liked 'em all. My heroes, larger then life, some missing fingers, some with permanently twisted limbs and some doomed to die all too soon doing what they loved. I saw Foyt win in '67, the first race I remember. Little more then a toddler, hearing the unbelievably loud roar. Ear splitting? Too weak a description. The white noise of pure speed, man's quest to develop better technology embodied in these chariots of fire and steel. The same attitude that led to the Moon shot was "driving" this sport. Advances made here would trickle down into the passenger cars of tomorrow. But so what? It was all about the speed! The sound and fury signifying man's quest to be better, stronger, faster...

Andretti won in '69 and became my first driving hero. The rest of his career would be a quest for the elusive repeat. And that career may not be over, though amazingly, this happened to him just a couple months ago at age 63!

By 1970 any member of Cub Scout pack 288 could tell you that when it came to yellow track gravity-fueled racing, matchbox cars were lame, hot wheels were okay, but Johnny Lightnings were the best. I mean, look here at Al Unser's entry for the 500 that year, The Johnny Lightning Special. Wanna drive it? Who wouldn't, to this day. It's the epitome, the zenith, the nadir of open wheeled racing.

And there I sat in the stands high above, in the good seats at the start/finish line (seats were first come, first served for qualifications), with my dad, with my brother, and a cooler full of Kentucky Fried Chicken, cold drinks, and more. (Yes, the Indy 500 was Bring-your-Own! How cool was that?) Getting the first sunburn of the year. (if you live in Indy, you get your first sunburn at the track. Kids who missed school in May and returned the next day sun-burned had a hard time explaining to the dean.) Watching him ride and clutching that stop watch in finger lickin' good hand, hoping beyond hope that Al could do it...Look at it! Painted like that how could it go slower then 200mph? And when he did it, I would be the one to prove it, and say "I was there!"

Now read this. What has changed? Blame NASCAR? Sure, that's a small part. Blame an individual? Yes, there's one who shares some fault. But in a strange way, I think America has lost something. That same something that led us to the moon.

EFFING WITH HOLLYWOOD

I don't usually bother with the entertainment industry, since Ooglay does it so well without trying, but this stuff just fell into my lap. So here goes nothin'...

Jim Carry gets to play god in a new movie! Jimbo, I hear the flushing of the toilet of your career.

The fat one in the middle of the Dixie Chicks wore a shirt with "FUTK" on it during the Academy of Country Music Awards show. "FUTK" stands for "F-you-Toby-Keith." Keith won Entertainer of the year.

From a review of the Book "Live From New York" an oral history of Saturday Night Live compiled by Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller.

"...Janeane Garofalo whines so copiously, so poisonously about her lack of face time on the show that even ''SNL'' writer Fred Wolf, who considered himself a friend, calls Garofalo ''an infection on that show...''

Was her time on the show the year it went down for the count? (Note this review is from last September, before Garofalo became the media darling she is today.

And finally, what is it with CNN/Time Magazine "music critic" Chris Farley? This stuttering, incoherent, idiot, lacking the ability to produce one sentence out loud without 4 repeat words, three self-corrections, two mispronunciations and one pointless conclusion, appears on CNN daily to talk the latest in Pop music. This guy is so bad that if he said Madonna's new album was crap I'd actually consider buying it. And to compound his inability to speak, he also can't think. Here's some insight, via an interview, into the workings of his mind:

Farley: I've talked with a lot of top artists -- everyone from Bruce Springsteen to Bob Dylan to Lauren Hill to Aretha Franklin to Joni Mitchell and Prince -- some of these people who are sort of the most reclusive stars of the world and some people who have had the biggest influence in pop music. I'm actually more in awe of the smaller artists like [Canadian folk rocker] Sara Harmer, or people like Alana Davis, who I think is a terrific pop rocker. She's not rich, she's not super well-known by any means. I'm just constantly in awe of people who are willing to sort of put themselves out there and do it for a love of the art and not to become famous. And that's what impresses me the most, not hanging out with Dylan backstage, which I've done.

Yea, me too. I like people who are just in it for the art, man, and not just to hang out with Bob Dylan and me.

REFLECTIONS ON THE COLD WAR

I'm inspired, having just read this and this and after reflecting a bit will continue to work on this. Thanks to Frank, for many things including the link that sent me there.

What are you waiting for? Go read them!

THE (MONETARY) COST OF WAR

I think the following (from a Pentagon report via Newsweek) goes nicely with the results of the WMD survey and this piece on a higher "cost" of war.

"423,998 U.S. MILITARY personnel were deployed; other Coalition forces sent an additional 42,987 troops. The total is roughly equivalent to the population of Albuquerque, N.M. The war lasted 720 hours. The allies flew more than 41,400 sorties. That consumed 18,622 tons of fuel, enough to keep a Boeing 737-300 airliner aloft for about 12 years. The Coalition flew 1,801 aircraft—all but 138 were American. The Iraqis were showered with 31,800,000 leaflets bearing 81 different messages. End to end, the leaflets would have made 120,454 rolls of toilet paper. Coalition forces lost 20 aircraft, but only 7 as a result of enemy fire. Search-and-rescue teams flew 55 missions and saved 73 people. 80 aircraft were flown to gather intelligence; they took 42,000 pictures of the battlefield, transmitted 3,200 hours of video and eavesdropped on 2,400 hours of Iraqi communications. Known costs: $917,744,361.55 —an amount equivalent to 46 minutes, 10.5 seconds’ worth of total U.S. economic output in 2001.
—John Barry

Of course, here's the headline they put over it:
War Costs: How Much? Well, How High Can You Count?

Tip of the hat to Chuck.

Ooglay Hussein's Diary

Hello America! Here again is Ooglay, soon perhaps to be more famous! How, Ooglay, could you, the talking of all of Hollywood, be more famous? I will be telling you the great new things that Allah wills.

I am taken to dinner with big Hollywood movie producer or director wants to make story of how evil American Georgeboosh made my country a stinking crater so he could be having my Glorious Father's Oils. Also with us is William Morris agent for Ooglay and some hooker they think will make me happy. Or maybe she is movie star, I can't ever tell. So we are eating and some drunk shows up starts bothering producer. "Hey, Alterman, what you doing? Who's your rag head buddy?" And producer doesn't want to say who I am for fear this man will exploit me (which many in Hollywood are in fear of others who might exploit me and they just want to help) but of course I already have finger curled around trigger of my glock as soon as he said "rag head" you know?

Also I should tell you, though in my country I wear business suit here it is better I wear Arab robes and headdress. This is so no one like lunatic John Ashcroft or police will bother me because it would be racial profiles, okay? Is trick I learned from Osama. Is how he travels here.

Carnival of the Vanities

The Carnival of the Vanities is up and running at Cut on the Bias. What is it you ask? Go see it I say! Doesn't everybody love carnivals?

WELL...UM...OKAY...BUT WHAT ABOUT THE ECONOMY STUPID?

From The Washington Post

'According to a May 1 Gallup poll for CNN and USA Today, 79 percent of Americans said the war with Iraq was justified even without conclusive evidence of the illegal weapons, while 19 percent said discoveries of the weapons were needed to justify the war. An April Washington Post-ABC News poll found that 72 percent supported the war even without a finding of chemical or biological weapons. Similarly, a CBS News poll found that 60 percent said the war was worth the blood and other costs even if weapons are never found."

And I'll bet a nickle the results are skewed left. Just wanted to let you know, if you're still hung up on the WMD thing, you are officially a wacko.

Of course, this country loves it's wackos.

QUICKIES (BUT THEY'LL JUST LEAVE YOU FRUSTRATED)

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE...
Okay, if Disney can provide a DVD that self-destructs, what does this say about the actual value of those blank DVDs we buy at the stores? Or any DVD or CD, pre-recorded or not. Certainly the production cost is significantly lower then audio or video tapes or even vinyl, yes? So why do so many willingly pay so much to so few for so little? Supply and demand, huh? I tell you what, I sometimes wish I could just download anything I wanted for free on the internet. Thankfully Madonna's keeping us all honest.

LET THE RE-RE-RE-WRITING OF HISTORY COMMENCE.
The BBC says the big, bad, Special Operators were a little overly macho when they rescued Jessica Lynch in the middle of a war after getting a report of her location and the abuse she was suffering. Of course the evil Pentagon denies it. I mean, come on, everyone knows the Iraqi's are the good guys, right? They don't torture prisoners do they?

By the way, doesn't it seem like the willingness to critique a Navy SEAL Op is directly proportional to the distance from the nearest SEAL? And please note that the following quote from the story is wrong in ten different ways:

"A week later, acting on intelligence information, U.S. Special Forces led a team of Marines, Army Rangers, Navy SEALs and airmen went into the hospital to rescue Lynch."

Special Forces led a team...went into the hospital? Huh? Do you guys fact check or proofread at all?

ROAD MAP UPDATE:
You know, all the Palestinians really want is to live in peace, worship as they please, feed their families, be free from fear, and kill every Jew in the world. Is that so much to ask?

THIS SHOULD OPEN A LOT OF DOORS
Speaking of that well known Palestinian sense of humor, I wonder what a list of "You Might Be a Palestinian if" would look like. You can wear a t-shirt like that to High School in America now. It's the land of the free.

EXCEPT IN COLLEGE
Where free speech is just another massive source of confusion for the already confused. Maybe my Blog friend John Lemon will run with this one over on his site. Can you imagine free speech on college campuses? What a wonderful world it would be...

AND FINALLY ARI IS CALLING IT QUITS:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Bush's spokesman Ari Fleischer said on Monday he will resign later this summer.

"I informed President Bush last week that after 21 years of doing nothing but government and politics ... that I have decided that my time has come to leave the White House. And I will leave later this summer, most likely in July," Fleischer said.

We here at The Mudville Gazette know the real truth behind this tale. Yep, nothing but cutting edge journalism from this corner of the sphere.

DEMOCRACY, WHISKEY, SEXY

I've just added a thousand more words to my personal war story. Click here.

...There are songs I play in my head when I want to get the blood flowing. One of them is Hair of the Dog by the group Nazareth. I can not suppress this strange thought: Say what you will of the music, but in a clash between people from a culture that produced that song and people from a culture that wails through the nose on the radio for entertainment while waiting for the will of Allah to accomplish anything, bet on the rockers...

HOUSE WARMING GIFT

I like this! My first housewarming gift is a nce picture from Angel. Thank you Angel!

MILF SQUAD INSERTED!

NOTE: This article is the third in a series. Previous entries can be viewed here and here.

Manila (IP News)
Bill Clinton's crack team of MILF hunters has infiltrated the island nation of the Philippines and begun the long awaited campaign against the "Islamic separatist guerrilla" organization. Although we at the Mudville Gazette have yet to receive direct word from the former president or any member of his MILF Squad, the Philippine military said it fired at least 135 artillery rounds on Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF) positions in two areas of Mindanao island over the past 24 hours, killing an estimated "50 or more" MILF rebels. Troops began the artillery barrage and opened extensive ground operations against the separatist bases after Philippine President Gloria Arroyo ordered "selective aerial and artillery attacks to dislodge embedded terrorist cells."

Mr Clinton's activities may be in a different sector, however. The military said 13 MILF fighters surrendered on Sunday near the central Mindanao town of President Quirino. In a somewhat confusing plane-side interview prior to departing on his mission, Mr Clinton stated "We hope to avoid violence. Our greatest desire on this mission is to achieve complete and total surrender of the MILF with minimum struggle, if humanly possible. We have items available to help us to achieve this goal. These items range from candy bars to jewelry to fur coats to expensive luxury automobiles. Which items we use to fulfill our quest will be situationally dependent on the attitude, enthusiasm, and personal appearance of our individual quarry."

The exact composition of the MILF Squad was not released prior to their departure. Some sources did claim to see an individual resembling Jesse Jackson board the aircraft. Additional speculation arose that Gary Hart had withdrawn his consideration for a 2004 Presidential bid not for the stated reasons, but in order to participate in this historic mission. In a possible confirmation on his own blog, Hart states "My greatest fear is never having another opportunity to serve my country."

In a related story, video game industry giant ElectronicArts (EA) has announced it has acquired rights to develop simulations based on the MILF Squad missions. A press release for EA states:

"We anticipate the game to be a hybrid in the first-person shooter genre, pairing elements of the state-of-the-art game engine used for the U.S. Army's "Full Spectrum Warrior" combat simulator with classic elements of Sierra's "Leisure Suit Larry" series.

AMERICAN YOUTH

By Chelsea C.

This story has me totally ticked off. I mean, this chick totally no-shows school and gets "D's? Puh-lease! She should have got big "zeros"! I mean, come on, what's up with that? Although check this: This one time I had a real jerk-o teach back in high school. He was all "stop passing notes" and "pay attention" and "put that out", you know? So grade time is coming and he's all "Ms C, you have turned in nothing all semester" and I'm all "Well maybe you could have been a little less Barney, okay?" But anyhoo it was looking like "F" city for yours truly until whats his name from my detail says "I'll take care of this" and Mr "you didn't earn your grade young lady" got a real quick attitude adjustment and somebody got a new car for all "A" honor roll.

But I digress. Check out this sad tale. I mean how pathetic is this? My mom always says the Christians are totally ruining Christmas for everyone with all their bible thumping and all that other stuff. Daddy says always carry your bible on Sunday so if somebody takes a picture you say you were going to church. Personally we don't like 'em cause they aren't tolerant. Whatever. When you're getting ready for school just do not accessorize with a bible, okay? If I've learned anything in my personal experience it's that church and state do not mix.

Now I must go a little negative I'm afraid to say. So okay, today the rest of my guest column will be about that total skank-o, Jenna Bush. I mean, what is with her? I mean, What kind of totally spoiled rotten cheerleader type gets someone to cough up 24 hundred dee-nair-o for stones tix? Puh-leeese! These guys are like combined age 647 years old. Gah-ross! Excuse me while I purge.

Okay, anyhow, like I was saying, what a skank! Maybe if her dad was cool like some peoples dads are, she could have had a free concert just for her. Know what would be totally funny? If some one bogused her into paying for tickets to the free show! And donated the money to stop global warming or to PETA or something cool.

I do remember seeing some drunk chick dancing in the mosh pit with dad. But she was like totally passed out before the Stony Oldies even started that sexist racist pig anthem "Brown Sugar." Dad can be so totally embarrassing though. When he jumped on stage and started doing the "whooo whoo" part in Street Fighting Man with Mick I about died! I mean, as if! And when the Stones Hell's Angels Security guys came close to him and then dad's Secret Service dudes drew their guns and things got way uncool it was like "Oh I am so out of here." And I was, too.

But anyhoo that's not my point. My point is that I can't believe the Ick-queen of skankville has inherited my room, okay?

Gotta go. NOW meeting with Mom in 10. Ch'later.

Oh wait. I need a better title for my column. Any ideas?

SAVING HOLLYWOOD

Boycott Hollywood, that is. Could I be more confusing? Let me start at the beginning...

Some time ago the situation with the web site Boycott Hollywood came to my attention. Attorneys for the William Morris Agency, agents to the stars, were threatening to shut the site down. Had succeeded, in fact, as the web host had notified the site that they were going to pull the plug on them within hours. I was probably one of the first to hear of this, having caught mention of it on another Blog who may have been the first to post on it.

Now, being in the service of my country, sworn to support and defend the constitution, etc. etc., this kind of suppression of free speech tends to (ahem) irritate me a little. Especially during an actual war currently being fought in defense of that freedom. Whether for Hollywood morons or the everyday brilliant geniuses who actually make America great, when I say defend free speech I mean it. When I say I was irritated, I mean it's lucky for Kim Jung Il I wasn't still in Korea.

But what could I do about it? Nothing really. A bigger Blog then mine was already posting about it. So for a half second I was going to move on and hope for the best. Then I remembered that I'm a Florida voter (really) and that every vote counts.

DEMOCRACY, WHISKEY, ETC.

Speaking of Armed Forces, I've updated my ongoing essay. Click here.

...given recent history, if in some way the U.S. could be invaded and conquered in like manner, the crowd of Democrats toppling statues and looting the Smithsonian would far exceed the numbers of Iraqis dancing in the streets of Baghdad that glorious day...

ARMED FORCES APPRECIATION DAY

Saturday, May 17th, is Armed Forces Appreciation Day. If you know any military folks, let them know you appreciate them. (Note: Picture is a link to site with information on events.)

WELCOME TO THE ALL NEW MUDVILLE GAZETTE

Join in our grand opening festivities all weekend long. Note that all entries have been transferred from older sites, including the complete works of Ooglay Hussein. Unfortunately, none of the old comments were movable. Feel free to leave new ones here! Lots of posts are in the works! Still more changes to come! Enjoy!

GREYHAWK'S MAILBAG

AS a high powered and influential Democratic Party eCaptain I get lots of vitally important e-mail from lots of vitally important people. They expect me to share it with you.
Enjoy!

From: "Terry McAuliffe"
To: "John Greyhawk"
Cc:
Subject: Action Alert: Contact Congress This Wednesday
Date: Tue, 13 May 2003 17:45:39 -0500

Dear John Greyhawk,
Last week, I told you how the Democratic Party is partnering with MoveOn.org, People for the American Way, Campaign for America's Future, and dozens of other groups representing millions of Americans to organize a massive public mobilization opposing the irresponsible Bush tax scheme.

On Wednesday, May 14, I'm asking you to join hundreds of thousands of activists across the nation as we call our members of Congress to stand up in opposition to the Bush plan to give billions in new tax breaks to the wealthiest sliver of Americans.

JUST FOR FUN

Okay, click here, wait, cry, laugh.

OOGLAY HUSSEIN'S DIARY

Hello America. Here again is Ooglay. I am seeing now that my family who now are enjoying the coming of summer on French Riviera are forgotten thank you very much. Uday is big hit in Dance clubs in Europe and Qusay is negotiating with Russians for some job with their secret police interrogations branch. Some of the doubles are now here in Hollywood and have bodyguard jobs with big stars. This is new fad in Hollywood. Have Hussein lookalike doing bodyguarding for you. Stupid Hollywoods pay big bucks. Crazy America! Also personal trainer. Big new fad is Hussein workout! This is incredible, all people take heavy whip, chains, and stick and hit big dummy. Not real person, dummy is stuffed and looks like Georgeboosh or Romsfield or Dickscheneys. Then take turns hoisting each other in air with rope and pulleys. No hitting though. Good for biceps. Jean Garflow told me is "biggest thing since Tae bo". I don't know tae bo. But I know stupid when I see it. But I also see full wallet.

Okay, so speaking of Jean Garflow I didn't yet to be telling about our datings. Well, it is just one time. Like I am telling you and I swear on my mothers purity this is true, I am hot thing in Hollywood now. Dating Ooglay is biggest boost for social climbing of Hollywood stars. Is okay but Ooglay does not date the men stars, even though some say that is meaning Ooglay is homophobo. I don't know this word. Then some say it is meaning you are "hater." So I say "like hating Georgeboosh or the kurds, yes?" And they say yes only a hater hates things that should not be hated. So I say oh, like if they hated France? And they say "yes, now you catching on" but I still say, okay, I'm not hating you but if you don't step away from my prescence I will be killing you. And I don't care what is Mash.

But hey, I am trying to tell of Jean Garflow. I don't know if I am having her name right. I don't care. She is just another talking too much person. Is late last week. We are eating and she is talking about other people in restaurant. "I hate this restaurant," she whines, "I mean, it's a wonderful, wonderful place for really stupid people to hook up. They meet, they throw some things on the fire, they talk about Vin Diesel, they tell stories about who their favorite Fox anchor is, they exchange phone numbers and in some cases has led to marriages...” and on and on and on with her mouth shoved full of food and no chance to slow down eating or talking. And I am thinking I've heard it all before, you know? And Vin Diesel is not machine, is her ex boyfriend? And she is saying something about no WMD and I am thinking "My family is weapon of mass destruction you psycho French Whore, but saying nothing and now is time for paying for dinner and go to Lakers game and she says "okay here is the deal. You pay for dinner but if Lakers win I will pay you back and if Spurs win you get nothing." I say "okay" she says "hah! You are stupid! Lakers have no chance. They suck on wood this year. I wish I was wrong! I would be so willing to say I'm sorry, I hope to God that I can be made a buffoon of, that people will say you were wrong, you were a fatalist, and I will go to you on my knees on cut glass and say, hey, you were right, I shouldn't have doubted you!"

So I think okay, maybe I should go now but hey! I've never seen soccer played with hands so I go on to game. And before game Jean takes me to locker room and when she goes out Ooglay is telling them what my family does to losing teams. "Hey, you not so tall after we dip you in chipper shredder okay big guy?" And yes Lakers win! But suddenly Jean is all about quiet. Not saying anything, you know? Hey, something about cash? Knee walking? No, suddenly doesn't remember. Changes the subject to her new TV show coming and how she needs to go home get "beauty rest". I am thinking is time to stop at Ooglay's "happy place" on way home but then remembering this is not Baghdad.

Just closest thing to it in America.

MILF CRACKDOWN IMMINENT?

FORMER PRESIDENT DEFENDS POLICIES

The Government of the Phillipines appears poised to crack down on the Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF), a "separatist group" now on the verge of being labeled a "terrorist organization" in the wake of a bombing in a public market in the southern Philippine city of Koronadal.

In spite of possible claims by the Abu Sayyaf group and denial by the MILF, a military spokesman stated that the attack seems to be the work of the MILF, who have previously launched numerous attacks in the area.

Rising quickly to defend the MILF, the Philippine communist party stated that “Pinning the terrorist tag on the MILF by the US and Philippine governments were tantamount to nothing else but the further exacerbation of the Bangsamoro war in Mindanao.” and that “The US has long been wanting to categorically also declare the MILF as a terrorist organization in order to justify the further deployment of US troops in Mindanao."

A fictitious Philippine Government official, interviewed by the Mudville Gazette, stated that "When you've got a communist organization coming to defend a Muslim "separatist group", you know something is fishy. We believe the communists are just trying to appease the angry MILF and get on their good side. We can not explain the communist fascination with MILF, but we know something is up, and we just don't like to think about the ramifications of a union of the communists with the MILF."

Former President Bill Clinton, accused by some of being "soft on terrorist groups" but claiming to know "More about MILF then any other President in history," appeared today on Mudville Television's imaginary Sunday morning news program "Face This Week's Press Sunday" to defend his administration's positions on MILF.

"I think my record stands for itself on the issue. We were aggressively focused on the MILF, often to the exclusion of other burning issues of the day. Sometimes late at night my advisors would suggest, 'Mr. President, you must slow down. You're wearing yourself out!' But I could not stop. Driven by my personal vision, I could never rest from my quest."

Additional transcript from the program:

Moderator: Mr. President, welcome sir and thanks for appearing on our inaugural program.

Guest: Thanks for having me, Greyhawk. I'll show up anywhere there's even a ghost of a chance to establish my legacy, but it's a real honor to be here on your program on Mother's Day.

Moderator: I know your time is short, so let's get right to it. Mr. President, did you yourself ever go to the Phillipines to personally investigate the MILF?

Guest: You should know, Greyhawk, there's no place on earth where the MILF can hide from me. In college all the girls called me "the Punisher"!

Moderator: We are discussing the same thing here, sir? A terrorist group?

Guest: (inaudible) Greyhawk, some of them got angry sometimes but usually a couple nice "gifts" quieted them down. I would never refer to them as "terrorist." Far from it. Far from it.

Moderator: I think there's some confusion here...lets go to a commercial...

The Mudville Gazette will follow this situation closely as it develops, and urges it's readers to exercise extreme caution when researching MILF on the World Wide Web.

DEMOCRACY, WHISKEY, SEXY?

Place holder. Post moved here.

http://www.mudvillegazette.com/archives/000561.html

HOT! HOT! THIS JUST IN FROM TERRY

One of the benefits of being eCaptain Greyhawk for the Democratic National Committee is I get e-mails, straight from the top, like this one (Note, as a bonus, I've turned the names of the partner organizations into hyperlinks so you can learn all about their good works on behalf of all Amerikans. Not sure why der Kommitas couldn't do this, guess they're busy, busy fighting for Amerika...):

From: "Terry McAuliffe" [Save Address] [Block Sender]
To: "John Greyhawk"
Cc:
Subject: Prepare to Fight: Mobilize against the Bush tax scheme
Date: Fri, 9 May 2003 06:56:25 -0500

Dear John Greyhawk,

It provides the immediate stimulus our economy needs at a fraction of the cost of Bush's ineffective scheme.

Do you understand this? If we don't act right now, George Bush, on the heels of the wildly popular war in Iraq, will try and give you back some of your money. I think we all know this is a death sentence for welfare recipients, old folks, and all women and children in the world. The only people who will benefit from this Bush tax cut are rich white people like Madonna and the Dixie Chicks. That's why he's doing it, to make them feel ashamed. It's just like the Hollywood people say: "We must act now!"

By the way, I've signed on for e-mail updates from all the organizations above (so you won't have to, you ingrate weasels). The coolest was Campaign for America's Future, who allow a prefix and suffix to each name. Therefore on their list I'm Rabbi John Greyhawk, esq.

And let me add, the Dems are really being proactive here. I mean, this is being issuerd while Bushy is still reeling from the assault they launched on his Carrier landing, an event appreciated enthusiastically by the lower 80% of all Americans.

Okay, you may think "wow Greyhawk, that's great, are you finished?" Well, no, I'm not. Because in addition to not taking our money to improve schools Bush is still trying to install tyrant lizard behemoth egomaniacs into high court positions:

Supreme Court Countdown: Update
Friday, May 9, marks exactly two years since Bush first nominated some of his most extremist judges to the federal courts, and Democrats continue to protect American values by standing up to right-wing nominees.
The right-wing extremist nominees continue. President Bush has nominated career extremist Carolyn Kuhl for a lifetime appointment to the powerful 9th Circuit Court of Appeals.

Obviously a sick, twisted, bitch. Where does Bush find these people? After two years of futility, doesn't he realize we don't want judges who will "puts Americans at risk?"
I double checked the e-mail to see what exactly the Democrat plan was, beyond complaining about Bush, but I couldn't find one. I'm sure they'll have one any minute now. As an eCaptain I'll e-mail them for details on their plan and I'll let you know as soon as they reply.

DEMOCRATS INSIST THEY ARE CLUELESS

Washington (IP News)
In a development surprising to no one key members of the Democratic Party lined up this week to demonstrate their complete and utter ignorance of how the US military operates, their contempt for members of said military, and their apparent lack of knowedge over the role of the Commander in Chief of that military.

Rep. Henry Waxman of California, the House Government Reform Committee's top Democrat, called for the General Accounting Office to examine the costs associated with the recent visit by the CinC to one of the Aircraft Carriers under his command. Democrats on the House of Representatives Appropriations Committee said costs could top $1 million. They included delaying the USS Lincoln that was steaming from the Gulf to San Diego, California, an extra day of air patrols, keeping the crew at sea, presidential security and flying the Comander in Chief to the ship.

Enfeebled Senator and Klansman Robert Byrd of West Virginia, the Senate's senior Democrat and a man who's "seen a lot of white niggers in (his) time", said: 'I am loath to think of an aircraft carrier being used as an advertising backdrop for a presidential political slogan.' Byrd opposed a resolution authorizing the use of force against Iraq.

However, in an apparent display of the effects of having been completely brainwashed by the President, the crew of the Abraham Lincoln appeared wildly enthusiastic and honored to be hosting the President. John "Skip" Lussier, the pilot who flew him there, was especially and obviously a victim of Bush's hypnotic mind control powers. "He was great," said Lussier. "Once he got into the brief he just started remembering. It was a bonding of aviators. When we got into the plane, I gave him the stick and it was like he hadn't left the cockpit."

Democrats acted swiftly and decisively to counter the "positive spin" from the Presidents sycophantic military admirers. "He started this back on Sep 11 2001 with that shameless appearance at Barksdale Air Force Base, and he's continuing the tradition of using the ignorant subservient military to this day."

"He's obviously just trying to keep up with daddy." Added a nameless Democrat. "That whole family really has fooled the military, what with all their service and respect for fellow service members. Also we can't use the term 'tailhook landing' too much. We don't want to say 'Carrier Landing'. There's never been a 'Carrier scandal'."

A non-existant yet clueless moderate Democrat did add that, "Well, maybe it wasn't that bad, but the thing where they had him meet the teletubbies out there, that was way over the top."

OOGLAY HUSSEIN’S DIARY

Okay Hollywood American infidel camel smokers, here is angry Ooglay! Angry at the world today! "Oh, Ooglay, what is wrong?" is what you are saying. I know you Hollywooders now. "Let us help you get in touch with feelings!" Well okay, pigs, listen then to this tale for which I rend my clothing while inflicting upon my very own person a tremendous orgy of self flagellation. A thousand woes on Ooglay!

There we were in convoy out of Iraq, the beautiful land for which I will ever long, banks of Tigris and Euphrates in rearview, dust of travel in my eyes and pants. "Esteemed brother" I say to Qusay "I would beseech the prophet that Allah would will for you 200 wives and 2,000 sons. What is being in the largish truck you are bringing?"

"Shut up Ooglay, is mobile chemical lab. Stay away from it!" And he smites me on my shoulder with his fist.

"Esteemed brother, for whom I hope the afterlife will bring virgins beyond count, what of this other wondrously large truck?"

"Speak not of it, fool of a jackal of a brother. It holds a torture chamber from my palace. And before you ask I am telling you , the third truck contains the last of the family’s weapons of massive destructions. Do not approach any of them, son of whore and camel, lest Allah will you to be a stain upon the desert sands.”

Then much later we are on the road to Paris when these trucks are turning left in Germany and heading quickly down Autobahn to Switzerland. "Qusay, look…" I am saying, when suddenly he fisted pounds me in such a way as my procreation is perhaps in doubt. I am thusly squeaking on the floor in pathetic ball when then it is Uday who kicks me in the same spot, then pokes me with his dreaded cane. "Father…" I cry, but he is saying "Get up. And clean up mess you have made on floorboards!" Then he pulls off my head dress and makes me blot my liquid shame.

So I am almost forgetting this whole incident, what with me being chosen by my Glorious Father to come and represent my family interests in American Hollywood while more famous family must "suffer penniless in Paris" but now I am having read in your newspaper that in three such trucks my brother had loaded one billion dollars in cash euros and Americans money! So now at last you understand my anger! It is once again your newspapers and CNN are spreading the lies about my family! We could not even afford porno magazines for Ooglay at French rest stops okay?

One billion dollars. You Americans are dupes.

PALESTINIAN ROAD MAP UPDATE

Jerusalem, (IP News)
In a bold move, the new Palestinian government has announced it will first try to subdue militant groups by persuasion rather than force, according to a senior Palestinian official. Parliament Speaker Ahmad Qurei, referring to Israel’s demand for a crackdown on Palestinian militias, said: “There are two understandings (how to deal with the militias). The Israeli understanding, which calls for a (Palestinian) civil war … and there is a Palestinian understanding based on dialogue and the Palestinian national interest.”

The Mudville Gazette has uncovered the following steps will be taken by the new government after each future bombing of an Israeli school bus:

First "Please stop." If this fails to bring the desired result
"Pretty please" followed by
"Pretty please with sugar on top"

Should even these drastic measures fail, the Palestinian Authority may even be willing to go so far as to threaten to use harsh words against the militant freedom fighters.

"We're serious." Said an unnamed Palestinian source. "And we want to be taken seriously in the non-Arab world."

World leaders throughout the Middle East and Europe hailed the new development. "This is a bold step in a new direction, the right direction. After these concessions we expect the Isreali's to respond in kind by pulling out of all illegal settlements and killing themselves."

IT'S ONLY MONEY

Saying he wanted to diversify his holdings, AOL Time Warner's largest individual shareholder, CNN founder Ted Turner has sold 60 million shares -- nearly half his stake -- in the media company, AOL said on Monday. The Tedster reportedly took in 800 million on the deal. I know it's tax return time, but who in the world can afford to buy that?

In an unrelated story,
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- About $1 billion was taken from Iraq's Central Bank by Saddam Hussein and his family, just hours before the United States began bombing Iraq, the U.S. State Department said Tuesday.

HEY ALL YOU MOTHERS! HERE COMES MOTHER'S DAY!

The vast majority of readers of this site either have or are mothers. This section is dedicated to you.

My mother, wife, sister and daughters are all women. It's too bad they have no other choice but to work "pink collar" jobs for the rest of their lives.

WASHINGTON (AP) — Women are more educated and employed at higher levels than ever before but remain largely confined to traditional "pink-collar" jobs, a study by the American Association of University Women finds.
The highest proportions of college-educated working women are in teaching and nursing. For college-educated men, neither occupation appears on their list of the 10 most common.
Overall, the most common occupations for women are secretaries, bookkeepers, sales supervisors, nurses, waitresses, receptionists and cooks, according to the study being released Monday. It cited data from the Census Bureau.
Thank goodness the American Association of University Women have alerted us to this alarming data. I think we should force these women to find jobs other then nursing and teaching. Those jobs are so demeaning!

Fortunately, thanks to the SARS outbreak, one option may be for them to find work with the Women's World Cup. Or is that sexist too?

And you wealthy, highly paid men out there should help stimulate the economy by buying your moms a high tech Mother's Day gadget. If they're educated enough to figure out how to work it. (I bet the American Association of University Women could probably conduct a study to prove they're not.)

But now, the real "non-inclusive" aspects of the American Association of University Women can at last be exposed, right here in The Mudville Gazette. They never even considered this:

Monday, April 28, 2003 -- NORTHAMPTON - Smith College students earlier this month made a decision some might find mystifying: Although Smith is a women's college, the students voted to change the language of their student constitution so that the pronouns "she" and "her" would be replaced with gender-neutral terms.

Dean of the College Maureen Mahoney said there is no policy in place at Smith that prevents students from undergoing sex-reassignment surgery while students are at the college. But she admits that the matter raises complex issues that the college has yet to fully deal with.

"...sex-reassignment surgery, formerly known as sex-change operations." That's good. That whole "change" thing carried way too much stigma. And I suppose "operation" is clearly too right wing now, as in Operation Iraqi Freedom. Thanks to Sunshine DeWitt, the author of that enlightening piece, we are all more aware.

And finally, here's one last mummy story for today.

Happy Mothers Day to all.

READ THIS BEFORE YOU PUT YOUR MAX BID ON THAT STONE TABLET FROM SUMER

This updated version of events about Iraq's National Museum is getting so much media coverage that I hesitate to include it here...

BAGHDAD, Iraq -- The vast majority of the Iraqi trove of antiquities feared destroyed or stolen from the National Museum in Baghdad have been found inside the museum, according to American investigators who compiled an inventory over the weekend of the ransacked galleries.

"There is no comparison in the level of destruction seen in the museum and that seen the administrative offices," Bogdanos said. "It's absolute wanton destruction in the offices. We didn't see anywhere near that destruction in the museum. (People) stole what they could use. They left the antiquities."

I'll bet those office lamps looked a lot like antiquities. And of course, the gift shop versions of the ancient crown of Ur. Those are all over ebay now...

IGNORANCE AND FEAR?

BERKELEY, Calif. — Fearing the spread of severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS), the University of California at Berkeley is closing its doors to students from China, Taiwan, Singapore and Hong Kong who had planned to enroll in summer programs.
"We have essentially canceled programs for those students,"
More

ANOTHER POLL

Because I care,and I know people love to click on things, and so far the results of the last poll show that people would take polls if they had the chance (you can, however, still change your vote.) Be careful answering this one, you only get one answer a day.

OOGLAY HUSSEIN'S DIARY

Okay American Georgeboosh infidel Aircraft Carrier landing tight flight suit wearing pigswines, Ooglay is here, but no excitement okay? Greyhawk says "Ooglay, you have to have something to post I am busy making something new." Well tonight Ooglay has big Hollywood date with married lady so I am not having time either, okay? Well, she is not married, really I think but Ooglay does not know Hollywood lifestyle yet. But still I will not tell who she is. Even though I said, "But you have friend..." and she is saying "what Timmy doesn't know doesn't hurt" and something about "there's a chill wind blowing in our bedroom these days too" but I am not knowing and I don't want to know okay? So I told Greyhawk "Okay here is something is my favorite story from the middle of your shockanaws, okay?" and he says "okay, and here is phone number for free clinic" so okay American dogs here is one of my favorite war stories I have told before, okay?

21 March:
Ahh my "ally" Frenchman, here I Ooglay am drinking now heavily for reasons of my own and will soon be finished for tonight. But my educating is needed for those of American schoolings. Listen here is the reason why Georgebush is the world joke butt okay?
I am inventing good jokes all the time in the palace and so I went to tell my glorious father for whom i will gladly make of myself a baricade before your paper tanks a new joking i had thought. I saw his office door being not shut allways so that means i can enter? right? so i approached the prescence of he for whom the sun provides warmth and he was on the phone at his desk but i stood proudly before him and he is talking to chiraq and this is always making him angry and he is saying when jacques will your foul foreign legion arrive? Don't jerk me Jacques! And okay i think he needs a laugh.
"Glorious Father for whom i would gladly ride a MOAB from the plane to the ground,here is a riddle for your laughing!!"
And he looked at me with those kill-you-slowly eyes he used on dans rather but doesn't say a word
and I say "then how many georges bush does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" and he looks now like he looks at the meat grinder people and I say "Oh no please don't say there's more then one!!! Get it?"
And so that is when he struk me very forcefully between my eyes with the phone.
And I am now falling backwards and if not for the will of Allah that our friend Hans Blix was there to catch me I would inded have fallen into the drums of ricin that were nearly filling that half of the room.
So now is why george bush is worlds joke, okay, because a bit later as i come to my senses my glorious father for whom I would run naked with only my sword into your onrushing marines is telling this same joke of mine to Chiraq!!
And that is how it came to be, that the world jokes about bush, i swear on my mothers purity!
But Frenchmen, where is my foriegn legion frenchmen?
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 21, 2003 12:27 PM

21 March:
And here is my other good joke:
I am designing T-shirt and it shows blown up things like the ancient ziggurat and Esteemed brother Udays palace (may none of his others experience harm) and the museum that Qusays people blew up this morning, okay, and then it says "Okay, shock and awe, shock and awe! We get it already, now go home!" Don't you think it's funny? Okay now keep listening to what i write; I am Ooglay! Well I make a picture of them and make it look like the pope is wearing one and I put them on e-bay for 50,000,000 dinar each an so far i sell 3 million of them in France and San Francisco! This is a wonderful thing but here is where Ooglay is funny joke: we will never make or deliver them!!! Ha!! Now where is your foriegn legion!
Posted by: ooglay on March 21, 2003 12:38 PM

25 March:
Hey who is to be telling me war is dangerous! I am the one who will be telling you! It is Ooglay, son of my father, who is smarter then the smartest of your smart bombs!!Yes you are rightly thinking I am alive and well. Allah be praised! After last poting I made telling how my glorious father was safe with me in my underpalace which the americans (i spit when i say that word though dying of 1000 thirsts) were not finding with bombs. Well it was not one halfhour later when they found it with more bombs then i would care to see again i tell you now! I do not like your inhuman shockanaw! You american protestors must make georgebush stop trying to take my glorious fathers oil with his shockanaw! All he is doing is stealing the beloved leader of my county's oils! Then he can put it in your SUV and that is how he will take your tax cut money back I tell you it's true on my mothers purity i swear! Protest him until he stops, you infidel swine!!!!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 11:29 AM

Ouch stop hiting me my brother Uday with that cursed cane...I'm writng now I'm sory for calig or protested friend teh swine. They are not the swne teh glorous protestrs, my fater declars you all honorary citizen of Iraq! Now, my esteemed brother, ma yopu have 2000 sons, enough wit the caning of my hindquarters!! Look at my typings now...
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 11:37 AM

Hello to you all It is Ooglay, son of the glorious leader of the people of Iraq. Long may he reign! Long may they know the thousand daily pleasures of his reigning on them!
Ooglay where have you been? This is the thing everyone here is asking everyone else here I am sure i know this. My story is that war is dangerous like only I can tell you. Hear me: After the shockanawing on my underpalace my father and brothers or their doubles (who can tell these days with all of us covered in s**t) blamed Ooglay for revealing the secret location on his postings. Well let me tell you no one except the foulest of your hollywood infidels would deserve a fisted pounding the like of which they gave Ooglay on that day I tell you I swear by the hump of my camel. Three Saddams, two Udays, and I think one of the many Qasays were all kicking me at one time. You do not want a thing like that, you soft Americans!And my humanshield did not shield me at all that day! Curse his hide!! I hope he's sent to Basra!!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 11:49 AM

So now you are thinking you know war is bad? Not the half of the bad things you are knowing! I am Ooglay and for my glorious father i would hand pull a wagon full of nuclear, biological and chemical weapons to the syrian border except that i just drove it there and it was a truck!
Now I will tell you where I have been: After my beating my brothers took me and hoisted me up on the flagpole on the roof of the last standing ministry of defense building here in Baghdad!! And all that day and into the night I stayed there on top of the empty building, like hello american missile pilots, here is Ooglay shoot me!! And Uday was thinking he was very funny to be shining the russian laser guidance beam on me that night from across the street! D**n the russians! We shine their useless guidance lasers on the museums and the mosques and they are not hit ever!! The Russians will pay for selling useless crap to my angry father, I will be telling you!! Well Allah be praised Ooglay was spared when the Americans did not come that night! So I am thinking Good they maybe are starting on Teheran (this should be making you protestors angry!) but the next day they still leave me up flapping all day. And so they would the next night but my mother, praise upon her wondrous beauty, arrived on the bus from Umm Qasr and gave Uday a beating with his own cane and made him take me down! And I am not knowing what she did to my illustrious father but he has stopped drawing his pistol now when I enter the room!
So it is I Ooglay, who is knowing that war is dangerous!!!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 12:12 PM

DEMOCRATS ON WAR

I thought I was done Blogging for the day, then this turned up in my inbox. As your actual official Democratic Party ePrecinct eCaptain, responsible for "getting the word out", I was compelled to leap into action and post:

Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle, D-S.D., said Bush deserved "great credit" for his leadership during the war and praised the work of the military. Days before the war began, Daschle had blamed Bush's failed diplomacy for making the fighting necessary and was criticized for his remarks.

"In 21 days, we eliminated somebody who for 20 years has repressed and tortured his own people and posed a serious security risk," Daschle said.

It's just a little confusing to me who the "we" are that Daschle is talking about. I don't remember seeing him in the coverage. Guess there weren't enough embedded reporters to cover his part in the fighting? And is it true that instead of flying in on a jet that Daschle was carried into the building on the backs of taxpayers?

Of course, I need to give equal time to other Democrats, right? Here's John Kerry on Vietnam, "his war." This is from a statement to the Senate in 1971, and references his fellow veterans:

They told stories that at times they had personally raped, cut off ears, cut off heads, taped wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turned up the power, cut off limbs, blown up bodies, randomly shot at civilians, razed villages in fashion reminiscent of Ghengis Khan, shot cattle and dogs for fun, poisoned food stocks, and generally ravaged the countryside of South Vietnam in addition to the normal ravage of war and the normal and very particular ravaging which is done by the applied bombing power of this country.

Note that the main difference between Kerry and Daschle's remarks is that Kerry doesn't use the term "we", even though he actually fought in Vietnam and is trumpeting that on his homepage these days.

And all that just somehow reminds me of this Golden Oldie:

"They got a building down New York City, it's called Whitehall Street,
where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected,
neglected and selected. I went down to get my physical examination one
day, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so
I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning. `Cause I wanted to
look like the all-American kid from New York City, man I wanted, I wanted
to feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all American kid from New York,
and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all
kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I waked in and sat down and they gave
me a piece of paper, said, "Kid, see the phsychiatrist, room 604."

And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I
wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and
guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,
KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and
he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down
yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me,
sent me down the hall, said, "Kid, you're our boy."

Arlo Guthrie, Alice's Restaraunt, 1966

DIXIE CHICKS ANNOUNCE PRO-SODOMY ANTI-SANTORUM CONCERT TOUR

Greenville, SC (IP News)
In a completely fabricated series of events, The Dixie Chicks announced during their Greenville, South Carolina concert that their upcoming tour will be dedicated to the twin purposes of promoting Texas sodomy and destroying the career of Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum.

"We're ashamed to be from a state where sodomy is illegal!" Announced the fat one in the middle to loud cheers from the sell-out crowd. "And we don't need some damn Yankee from Pennsylvania telling us what we can or can't do in our bedrooms, which are anywhere we want them to be."

Long lines of adoring but confused fans formed after the concert in the mistaken belief that the chicks would be performing sodomy for anyone buying a DC CD and signing a petition calling for the censure of Senator Santorum. No word was available on how this unfortunate and untrue rumor had started. Rioting was avoided however, as most of the sell-out fans went home happily clutching complementary copies of Entertainment Weekly Magazine and bottles of Jurgens Lotion.

The fat one in the middle, reached by an adoring throng of reporters at an all you can eat buffet after the show, stated through a mouth crammed full of food, that "…I ask questions. That's smart. That's intelligent. But since I was tiny, people have told me "Natty, stop talking with your mouth full!"

GREY AREAS

Because, as all modern liberated Frenchmen know, not everything is Black and White. Greyhawk, in spite of his name, will never hesitate to link stories exploring (exploiting?) color in America (and elsewhere).

Times reporter resigns under pressure.
"Jayson Blair, the New York Times reporter who copied portions of a Texas newspaper's story about a woman whose son died during the war in Iraq, resigned under pressure yesterday."

No comment yet from Democrat presidential candidate Al Sharpton, but personally I think they just fired him because he's black. Can't wait to se Mr Sharpton attack the NY Times. For you other budding young journalists: avoid trouble, just post a link!

In a strange, possibly distantly related story, AP reports on a whites-only High School Prom. Will they play music by white musicians only? Could this be all about avoiding dance floor embarrassment?

And in an unrelated story from the Guardian,
Marijuana, pornography and illegal labour have created a hidden market in the United States which now accounts for as much as 10% of the American economy.

And a tip of the hat to Drudge.

BEYOND THE PALE

Of course we all know what great proponents of free speech the Hollywood types are, right? Then how come attorneys for the William Morris Agency have taken action to shut down Boycott Hollywood? The site's domain registrar, Dotster.com, has apparently caved to a request from the the law offices of Rintala, Smoot, Jaenicke, & Rees, representing William Morris Agency, who of course represent a large number of Hollywood types, who are perhaps offended by people disagreeing with them. The plug will be pulled on Boycott Hollywood within 24 to 48 hours.

I vonder who goes next? Ze Jews, maybe? Gypsys?

You can ask the attorneys at this email address.

A LITTLE GAME

As you read the following excerpt from another site, see if you can guess from where I plagiarized it. Play along with me, no peeking ahead. Who thinks the supreme court is responsible for America's most cherished values including privacy, choice, and environmental policy? Who wants to portray G.W. Bush as part of a vast and evil right-wing conspiracy to undo decades of progress and destroy our cherished American values? Could it be the Fidel Castro homepage? A juvenile left-wing blog? The American Communist Party Special May Day Announcement? ANSWER? Read on and guess...

Act Now! America's Values at Risk With Supreme Court Vacancy
The United States Supreme Court protects America's most cherished values: equal rights and protections for all, public education, environmental safeguards, the right to privacy, a woman's right to choose, civil liberties, free speech, religious freedom, and much more.

Secret meetings, including one at the Bush White House with Chief Justice Rehnquist...
Secret fundraisers, including one hosted by former President George Bush, to raise money for a massive, expensive ad campaign pushing Bush's judicial nominees...
Republican Senator Orrin Hatch -- the chair of the Senate committee that considers judicial nominations -- has pressured Supreme Court Justices to make their move...
When one or more Justices retire at the end of this June, Bush will -- just a few days later -- name ultra-conservative nominees who will quickly vote to overturn decades of Supreme Court protections of our cherished American values.

Wow! The extremist Bush will nominate replacement judges just a few days after the old ones retire! How evil is that? Who would call to rally the people against any Bush nominee before they are nominated? Who could think Americans are this stupid? The Democratic National Committee, that's who. They are rallying the troops on their homepage even now. One of their tactics is to recruit ecaptains, who will receive and forward email to eprecincts from the DNC overlords. And guess who just signed up? Yep, you all are now my eprecinct. And I'll be faithfully updating you on all the latest hot propa.. I mean news from the DNC, right here on the Mudville Gazette. I do it cause I love you people!

And here's our first vital, important message straight from the DNC through me, your eCaptain Greyhawk (note: To avoid confusion I will use pink to designate my DNC messages to you! Otherwise, the message will be unedited by me in any way, shape or form. I'm confident my DNC boys will be funny on their own.):

DNC Chairman McAuliffe's Statement on Bush's Praise of Senator Santorum
Washington, D.C. -- Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chairman Terry McAuliffe issued the following statement:

"In an interview with NBC television's news anchor Tom Brokaw on Thursday, Bush said the Dixie Chicks were 'free to speak their mind.' They can say what they want to say ... freedom is a two-way street. But I don't really care what the Dixie Chicks said, I want to do what I think is right for the American people and if some singers or Hollywood stars feel like speaking out that's fine," Bush said. [Reuters, 04/24/03]

Wow, that's some spanking the Pres gave those Dixies. Almost as bad as the thrashing he gave Saddam. And I can understand why a guy like McAulliffe wants Bush to take Santorum to a woodshed, but Dubya don't play that way, okay Terry?

There's plenty more where that came from. And nobody's gonna report on this like yours truly will. Tell all your good Democrat friends to join Captain Greyhawk's ePrecinct today!

OOGLAY HUSSEIN'S DIARY

Hello infidels dogs! It's Ooglay again talking from his new location in Hollywood writing for American infidel pig web page. I may report on Hollywood infidel for a while. Life style is very much like Ooglay's lifestyle in Baghdad before your bombings were keeping everyone up nights and they were all becoming too very grouchy for politeness, even when Qusay's people increased the street beatings. No one is being beaten in street in Hollywood. All the big stars are slappings the servants when they want but they do it inside the mansions. Is like Baghdad like that. They say to Ooglay "Ooglay, we'd slap 'em in the street if there weren't so many of them." And although Qusays people could nail someone's tongue to a 2x4 anytime anywhere I guess that is one differents to Hollywood, because Hollywooders only beat their slaves when no one is looking. Also they don't call their slaves "slaves." One big famous star did show me nail gun though. He did some shooting at Gardener in yard but only winged him because Mr Big Star is drinking too much. He said to Gardener "hey, you be glad it's been six months since rehab, Jose!" Ooglay is not getting joke but knows it is joke because everyone is laughing. Ooglay was laughing too but only at stupid drunk bigstar's horrible aim. Then someone says "Too bad you won't let Heston near the place, Marty, he could hit that guy six times from here even with immigration chasing him!" And some other big guy says "Yea Heston could nail him!" and some other big star says "yea but you could nail the maid maybe" and everyone is laughing again. So maybe even though I am not getting all the jokings I am how you say "hitting it off" with Hollywood types pretty good!

And hey! You Americans all being driven in Limosines! Or fancy cars driving! Uday always loved his Hollywood visits and now I am seeing he was not lying. Ooglay was picked up from airport by driver for big Hollywood studio in longest limo ever for my riding. Riding through los Angeles Ooglay is thinking is exactly like Baghdad except less active looters here and no Marines. I was disapointed after hearing so much not to see Los Angeles police beating up some poor people. Qusay got his ideas from reading in your newspapers about the police in your country. But Ooglay has not seen this once. Maybe beatings story is big lie to make your Police seem like tough guys? I am thinking you would not have so much crime if your police would give some fisted poundings the like of which your criminals survive only if Allah truly wishes them life. Also I am noticing everyone has guns. So how could your police give proper beatings to people who are having guns? And the limo driver when I am asking him says "I wish I could get beaten by the cops. You would be driving the car if I could get some of that kind of bread." Then he is laughing but Ooglay doesn't get your jokings.

Now we pull up to gate. Is just like Glorious Father's palaces gate, and I see it is made by same company. Now I am laughing and saying "You know these won't stop M1?" but driver is not getting my humors either. So he drives past big mansion who belongs to a singer and pulls up to "guest house:" in back. Is bigger then most houses in city but not as big as the smallest of my family palaces. One in Paris is not much bigger though.

Inside is decorated like Uday's love palace. Big posters and lava lamps, lots of color. "We had it redone after we saw the pictures in the paper. Uday is chic in Hollywood now. Everyone's doing it this way now, but I was first!" This is saying of famous lady singer who is living in big mansion. I am thinking this is her house. Even though she has husband it seems like she is how you say "wearing all of his pants in her family." They are both meeting me when I am getting out of car but all talking is her. She is even making husband carry big duffle bag from Afghanistan into house. Her house. She says something about somebody waiting for the Afghan delivery. Then she smacks driver for taking too long. Then she is talking to me but I am avoiding looking at her giant nose. "I hope you don't get all hung up on me being a jew." She is saying "because I feel more kinship with you people. I know what it's like to be oppressed by an evil American president." But how can I hate someone who recreates Uday's love palace right here in America? Then she is saying "So if you don't mind being my 'Cato Caelin' I'll try to be a better host then O.J.!" So now I am not knowing whjat Cato is and like I am saying, I did not think I would be back in the love palaces so soon. And I am jet lagging and really not in your mood. So the only thing I could think to be saying was "Lady, fix the nose or get a veil, then we can be doing some talking about your roll playing, okay?"

I mean sheesh, give me time for a shower at least, yes? Allah save me from these Infidel pigs.