Heh!

An unexpected honor; an annual award from Rightwingsparkle:

"Blog Most Likely to make me cry: Mudville!"

Ignoring for now how that might compare to the honor she bestowed on 2Slick (who, by the way is pudgy, balding, and thinks his gold tooth looks hot) I realize that though I'm pleased to be named "best" anything, I don't want people staying away from here for fear of crying. (Especially my fellow MilBloggers like 2Slick, who tends to cry loudly with little provocation - think Bambi's mother).

And every time I put up a funny post, I always get comments regarding how surprised somone is that they found something funny here! The time has come to put that misconception down for good. Commencing immediately below this line, a series of posts cut from previous entries in the Mudville Gazette, the funniest MilBlog in the History of the World!

I'll leave it to the reader to figure out the "current events" upon which most of these items were based.

Without further ado:

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How Johnny got his Hat (I)

The fog was thick as pea soup as we made our way across the border, but it muffled the sounds of the boat as we entered Cambodia. That was good, because our business there was anything but good.
"I wish you'd take that damn blindfold off." I whispered to the skipper.

"I learned to sail this way, hombre." He replied. His parrot sat silently on his shoulder. The bird spoke three languages but was not using any of them now.

"That bird makes me nervous" told him "if he spouts off in any of those three languages I'll..."

"Four languages." He said, still wearing the blindfold, piloting the river on pure instinct, nerves of steel. "English, French, Italian, and 'bird' - you probably forgot bird." He cut the engine, pulled the mask off. "He's disciplined. He wont squawk. And this is as far as we go. I'm not risking my crew. Or my bird"

"Fair enough, far enough." I said, slipping over the side. Kurtz didn't know it but his time was running short.

"Hey..." the skip whispered as I came up for air, "you forgot your hat."

"Keep it." I said, and pushed for shore.

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Ooglay Hussein's diary, 21 March, 2003:

Ahh my "ally" Frenchman, here I Ooglay am drinking now heavily for reasons of my own and will soon be finished for tonight. But my educating is needed for those of American schoolings. Listen here is the reason why Georgebush is the world joke butt okay?

I am inventing good jokes all the time in the palace and so I went to tell my glorious father for whom i will gladly make of myself a baricade before your paper tanks a new joking i had thought. I saw his office door being not shut allways so that means i can enter? right? so i approached the prescence of he for whom the sun provides warmth and he was on the phone at his desk but i stood proudly before him and he is talking to chiraq and this is always making him angry and he is saying when jacques will your foul foreign legion arrive? Don't jerk me Jacques! And okay i think he needs a laugh.

"Glorious Father for whom i would gladly ride a MOAB from the plane to the ground,here is a riddle for your laughing!!"

And he looked at me with those kill-you-slowly eyes he used on dans rather but doesn't say a word and I say "then how many georges bush does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" and he looks now like he looks at the meat grinder people and I say "Oh no please don't say there's more then one!!! Get it?"

And so that is when he struk me very forcefully between my eyes with the phone.

And I am now falling backwards and if not for the will of Allah that our friend Hans Blix was there to catch me I would inded have fallen into the drums of ricin that were nearly filling that half of the room.

So now is why george bush is worlds joke, okay, because a bit later as i come to my senses my glorious father for whom I would run naked with only my sword into your onrushing marines is telling this same joke of mine to Chiraq!!

And that is how it came to be, that the world jokes about bush, i swear on my mothers purity!

But Frenchmen, where is my foriegn legion frenchmen?

_______________________________________

The year: 2009

Location: A major Hollywood Studio soundstage.

Scene: A movie being filmed.

Woman (sobbing): What do you mean? What are you saying? Why did you lie to me?

Man (approaching her, arms extended): Now sugerbuns, don't get all...

Woman (sobs turning to anger): ?I can hardly breathe, (gulps for air) and you have the nerve to...

Man: Honey, now come on, you know your the only one I love!

(Man reaches woman, she smacks him)

Woman: (Sobbing but angry) Don't you honey me, you...

Hillary: Cut!!

Mike M: Hey, I'm the director! I'm supposed to say that!

Hillary: Shut up, you disgusting fatzoid shlob, or you'll wish you had free health care. I thought we agreed that my character would not display violent tendencies?

Mike M: Surveys of our target demographic indicate that they prefer a strong female role model who...

Hillary: Surveys? You are polling people to see what they think? I'll tell you what they think! I tell them what they think!

Mike M: But the target demographic is young unmarried Democrats, and you're...

Hillary: When I want to know what young unmarried Democrats think I'll call Chelsea! And by the way, you will start referring to me with some respect or I will have your fat butt right back in that unemployment line. Kapish, chubby?

Mike M: Yes, but I..

Hillary: What did you say?

Mike M (sheepishly): Yes ma'am.

Hillary: That's better. Now lets talk some more about casting.

Mike M: I thought we agreed...

Hillary (through clenched teeth): You want to talk about "agreed", what did we just agree to one second ago? (A large man who had been standing near her now steps towards Mike M, while reaching under his suit coat)

Mike M: Ma'am, I'm sorry. (Large man steps back.) Please accept my apology. But on the subject of casting...

Hillary: Listen carefully Jabba, I'm not going to have this version turn out like that Sharon Stone TV movie nightmare a few years back! That woman playing me, she's too old, she looks too plain, and she's not convincing me that she's shocked by Bill's nasty pig behavior...she sucks. She can't act to save her life. In fact, threaten her with death, maybe she'll...

Mike M: We can't do that, ma'am, she's union.

Hillary: Okay, say no more. But I'll take care of the "union" thing soon as I get back to DC. Let me think about her fate for a while. She's not cutting it. I need to be convinced that I was shocked when I discovered my husband's treachery.

Mike M: As do we all, ma'am.

Hillary: What was that, cretin?

Mike M: I said, "yes, she's too small" it's a Hollywood term, the roll is just too big for her. Ma'am.

Hillary: Exactly! I knew I picked the right man to direct! Now, how about this hag you've got playing....her? The skank?

Mike M: Playing Monica? That's...

Hillary: Do not mention that name in my presence!

Mike M: Yes Ma'am.

Hillary: Now who is that unknown young skank?

Mike M: She's more of a has-been skank then an unknown, ma'am. An old friend from the Iraq war days who needed some work...

Hillary: I don't care about any of that! Just give me her name, moron! She's a great actress, she's got me convinced that she's a whore attracted by my husband's fame!

Mike M: That's Janeane Garofalo, ma'am

Hillary: I despise her completely. Have Ms Garofalo sent to my trailer immediately after shooting is done for today. But make her ditch that blue dress first!

Mike M: It's quite realistic, yes? You know that spot is actually..

Hillary: I don't care! Keep your Hollywood secrets to yourself. Now, I've decided the fate of that no-talent hack playing me. Fire her now.

Mike M: Ma'am, this will set us back and we're already way over our budget, so maybe...

Hillary: Listen, Moby, I've still got some campaign money from the American Muslim whosis and the Chinese just sent another briefcase full of...

Mike M: Maybe it's the script...

Hillary: Don't know. Don't care. Haven't read it. Fire her now.

Mike M: Ms C, Ma'am, with all due respect, you can't just...

Hillary (face completely red, spittle flying): I'm the President of this stink hole of a country, buster! Do not tell me what I can and can't do. Now if that homely no-talent hack can't convince me that I was absolutely crushed when I discovered the truth about my husband and his 'ho's then we will find somebody who can! I'll be in my trailer! (Stomps off, secret service agents in tow, stops and shouts back) And don't forget! Send me Gafugalo!

Mike M (mumbling) It's Garofalo, yer highness. (Now waddling over to actress portraying Hillary) Hey, Ms. Streep, Meryl, ummmm...we need to talk...

_______________________________________

Ooglay Hussein's diary, 21 March, 2003:

And here is my other good joke:

I am designing T-shirt and it shows blown up things like the ancient ziggurat and Esteemed brother Udays palace (may none of his others experience harm) and the museum that Qusays people blew up this morning, okay, and then it says "Okay, shock and awe, shock and awe! We get it already, now go home!" Don't you think it's funny? Okay now keep listening to what i write; I am Ooglay! Well I make a picture of them and make it look like the pope is wearing one and I put them on e-bay for 50,000,000 dinar each an so far i sell 3 million of them in France and San Francisco! This is a wonderful thing but here is where Ooglay is funny joke: we will never make or deliver them!!! Ha!! Now where is your foriegn legion!

_______________________________________

Doha, Qatar (IP News)
CENTCOM officials today announced they are re-tooling the now famous "Operation Iraqi Freedom Playing Cards" with a Pokemon-inspired deck.

"We've done a little research, and that revealed we were a little behind the times with our methods." Said a spokesman. "Today's soldier and the American public have moved beyond traditional playing cards. That's why we're proud to announce we've developed, in conjunction with Wizards of the Coast, this new Yu-gi-oh like set. This set, in addition to being more relevant, will allow us a much more robust list of "targets." For instance, in addition to wanted criminals, numerous items such as the priceless missing relics of Ur can now be depicted on cards."

Little Billy Jefferson, student at Hillary Clinton Middle School in upstate New York, stated "These are way cool. My "Ancient Crown of Sumer" card adds three hitpoints to the "Breath of Lies" card I just played on my "Huda Salih Mahdi Ammash" card. That stack just kicked Jimmy's ass."

Billy went on to explain how additional cards in much-sought-after expansion packs can be used to "evolve the basic characters into full demons of the ninth circle."

"But the most wanted card now, something every collector dreams of, is beyond a doubt the ultra-rare gold foil Saddam."

No word yet from CENTCOM or Wizards of the Coast on a rumored "Al Queda expansion pack"

_______________________________________

How Johnny got his Hat (II)

They ate in silence, rarely looking up from their food. The young El-Tee felt shame; his love for the agent, whose name he did not know, who's mission he could not know, was as endless as it was unrequited.

"I like your hat" he said. And regretted it immediately. Man, he thought, did that sound as desperate to him as it sounded to me?

The agent grunted. It' was one of the things he found irresistable about him. "Gimme that ketchup, huh?" He said, motioning to the small plastic bottle.

"Sure" he replied, moving a little too eagerly to comply with the request. "Anything you want, just ask..."

"This'll do" the agent said, taking the ketchup. Their fingertips touched; to the El-tee it was like a brief spark, like running his tongue across the top of a 9-volt battery. He tried for eye contact but got nothing for his efforts. "You like ketchup, huh? I can't stand that stuff myself."

"Whatever" the agent said, and began eating. "Worst Christmas ever." he said around a mouthfull of snake meat.

"Yea" said the El-tee. "Me too." He looked at his hands. "Crap" he muttered, "got ketchup on my sleeve." The agent remained silent. "That's how I got my first purple heart you know." he added, smiling. The agent gave him a look - the look you give a dead animal suddenly found in your path. "Kidding" he added quickly.

Silence roared between them until he finally got up the nerve. "I got you a gift." He said, and he produced the wrapped box.

"Is this a joke?" Was the response, but he took the box and ripped the paper off. He opened it and lifted the watch.

"It's a real Rolex. I picked it up in Saigon."

The CIA man was creeped out, but he knew he could hock the watch for 10 bucks, probably to the same crook that sold it to the squid. "Uh, thanks, I guess. But I didn't get you nothin'..."

"It's okay..." he said, but his voice cracked.

"Wait" the guy said "here, take the hat."

The LT stared, his jaw agape, at the most beautiful blonde flat top he'd ever laid eyes on...

_______________________________________

Ooglay Hussein's diary 25 March 2003:

Hey who is to be telling me war is dangerous! I am the one who will be telling you! It is Ooglay, son of my father, who is smarter then the smartest of your smart bombs!!Yes you are rightly thinking I am alive and well. Allah be praised! After last posting I made telling how my glorious father was safe with me in my underpalace which the americans (i spit when i say that word though dying of 1000 thirsts) were not finding with bombs. Well it was not one halfhour later when they found it with more bombs then i would care to see again i tell you now! I do not like your inhuman shockanaw! You american protestors must make georgebush stop trying to take my glorious fathers oil with his shockanaw! All he is doing is stealing the beloved leader of my county's oils! Then he can put it in your SUV and that is how he will take your tax cut money back I tell you it's true on my mothers purity i swear! Protest him until he stops, you infidel swine!!!!

Ouch stop hiting me my brother Uday with that cursed cane...I'm writng now I'm sory for calig or protested friend teh swine. They are not the swne teh glorous protestrs, my fater declars you all honorary citizen of Iraq! Now, my esteemed brother, ma yopu have 2000 sons, enough wit the caning of my hindquarters!! Look at my typings now...

Hello to you all It is Ooglay, son of the glorious leader of the people of Iraq. Long may he reign! Long may they know the thousand daily pleasures of his reigning on them!

Ooglay where have you been? This is the thing everyone here is asking everyone else here I am sure i know this. My story is that war is dangerous like only I can tell you. Hear me: After the shockanawing on my underpalace my father and brothers or their doubles (who can tell these days with all of us covered in s**t) blamed Ooglay for revealing the secret location on his postings. Well let me tell you no one except the foulest of your hollywood infidels would deserve a fisted pounding the like of which they gave Ooglay on that day I tell you I swear by the hump of my camel. Three Saddams, two Udays, and I think one of the many Qasays were all kicking me at one time. You do not want a thing like that, you soft Americans!And my humanshield did not shield me at all that day! Curse his hide!! I hope he's sent to Basra!!

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The Mudville Gazette is pleased to present a new series from cub reporter Howell Raines. "Howell Raines' America" will focus on under-reported segments of American society, with a focus on those things that make America great. Today Raines investigates the world of Web Loggers; ironically a segment of society that some would suggest helped hasten his ouster from a previous job.

Web Logging, or "Blogging" as it's commonly called by its' practitioners, is a fast growing method of internet-based communication. And Web Loggers, or "Bloggers" as they call themselves, represent a growing and vocal segment of society. By some estimates there are 3 million Blogs in the world (or "Blogosphere") today. However, sites that track number and popularity of Web Logs (or "Blogs") rarely list more then 2 to 3 thousand.

After some little research, I discovered these blogs to be fairly evenly split, with approximately half being right wing extremist hate sites and the remainder being more moderate, mainstream pro-Al Gore sites dedicating to righting the wrongs perpetrated on this country in the wake of the 2000 election and the subsequent "war on terror". Although we were able to track down thousands of the right wing conservative neocon pro-war bloggers, we could locate very few moderates. Presumably this is due to the fact that they must remain anonymous due to fear of retribution.

After some effort and a payoff to AOL, I was finally able to set aside some time to visit with a group of these middle-of-the-road Bloggers. This past Sunday morning I found myself in the basement of a nice suburban Boston area home, being entertained by "Bill" as we awaited the arrival of his fellow internet "columnists."

HR: "Bill", you run a highly successful weblog...

Bill: Which one?

HR: Oh, you have several? I was referring to "I Hate Bush"

Bill: Yea, that one. It gets a lot of hits from people who think it's a gay porn site though. I mean, a hit is a hit, so whatever works.

HR: So you have other sites?

Bill: Oh, several. "Bushaterz," "Bushwakkerz," "Bushnazi," "Suzy Cataloni for Homecoming Queen"... A lot of people visit 'Bushaterz' because they think its anti-bus though.

HR: Suzy Cataloni for Homecoming Queen?

Bill: What? Who said that? I never heard of that.

HR: Well you sure are busy. How many Blogs do you produce?

Bill: Well...I'm not really sure. I've forgotten a few. And also it's not all about the blogging. I also go out and comment on the right wing hate Blogs. This lets the wackos know they aren't in control and also brings traffic to my Blogs.

HR: This is why you have to use a false name then, for fear of being targeted by these hate groups?

Bill: Yeah! False names, actually. If I was the only one commenting on the Nazi sites I'd look foolish, I think. So I use several different names throughout the thread.

HR: Ahhh... good tactic. Kinda like what The Party does on voting day. You'll go far. Say, when are your fellow Bloggers going to arrive?

Bill: Oh, any minute, I'm sure. Hopefully soon. My folks are due home from Church here soon...

HR: Oh, this isn't your place? I assumed you were making money with all these Blogs...

Bill: Oh no! I mean, I've got the PayPal things and all...and once someone got me an "Adult Books Online Gift Certificate" from my wish list...

HR: So how did you get started Blogging?

Bill: Mrs. Yablonski's Computer 203 class at Kerry-Heinz High. The whole class does Blogs as a graded project.

HR: Ahhhh... sounds like an excellent teacher...

Bill: She's cool. She taught us a lot about what's wrong with America today. And this one time we each entered all our Blogs in a contest, then voted for each other and ourselves in our other Blogs. It was cool. I won.

HR: Wow! With that integrity level you could go far in the newspaper business too...say, are there really any other Bloggers?

Bill: Naah. I'm the only one. Sorry.

HR: That's okay kid. You remind me of me. Hey, are there any other moderate bloggers at all?

Bill: I met one in a chat room once. But you can't believe everything people tell you on line...

HR: Wow. You really work hard at this. Do you have time for a girl friend? Or whatever?

Bill: Yea! I got a girl friend! You don't know her 'cause she goes to another school across town...

Well, Bill's folks came home and he made me sneak out because he wasn't allowed to have people over when they weren't there. But I'll always remember that I was the first to interview a possible future President of this great land of ours.

I'm Howell Raines, and that's Howell Raines' America. Good day.

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How Johnny got his Hat (III)

Christmas '68: Cruising up the MeKong on our way to Kampuchea. The Doors blasted through the stereo speakers. "LA Woman" - I'll never forget it. Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water" was our theme song, but I was jamming along with Mr Mojo Risin' on my guitar for a special lady. K-dog was water skiing, Rufus was piloting, she was sunning herself on the poop deck and we were all stoned immaculate.

The eight-track switched over. Man, what we had to put up with for state of the art sound. Then the song ended but I wailed off a few more licks before engaging the sweet little honey in scintillating conversation.

"So, you're with the CIA?" I said, casually setting my Hendrix autographed Strat into it's stand. Mom had sent it for Christmas just this year.

"Whadda yew tawkin' abowt?" she replied in that phony Brooklyn accent. "I'm a dansah, I'm here wit da USO. Not da CIA, da USO"

"Yeah, I said, admiring the curves." When were you last at Langley?"

She looked at me kinda funny "I know a guy named Frank Langley" she said "but he's a bum that can kiss my..."

"I know George HW Bush you know." I replied. "Went to school with his son. He's the head of the CIA. HW I mean, not his son. His son's a drunken frat boy, never will amount to much."

"I once danced at a drunken frat party. They tried to rip me off." She said, but she pronounced it "awf." I loved that accent then, and I love foreign sounding accents to this day. "Yew gawt any tanning lotion?" she asked.

"CIA doesn't provide for all your needs, eh? Here, I've got some SPF 15. Want me to rub it on?"

"No tanks" she said, and took it from me.

"Yeah, lets hope so" I said.

"huh?" she asked.

"No tanks. You said no tanks. I said let's hope not."

"Yeah.. whatever. Look, I ain't CIA either. I'm USO. I don't care what Rasman said, he just wanted to make sure you'd let me on the boat, okay? Don't get angry wit him. He's a noice guy."

"Yeah, got it. Good cover, that USO thing. Hey, is this your hat?"

"Huh? Naaaw, dat ain't mine. I never seen dat before. Where's Rasman, anyhow?"

"Probably fell overboard again. You sure this isn't your hat?"

"It ain't my hat. Look at it. It looks like crap. Is that mold?"

"Maybe" I said. "Oh well, finders keepers. It's my hat now." I put the hat on my head and straped my guitar over my shoulder, and hit the "play' button on the remote. The opening chords of The Who's "Won't get Fooled Again" blasted, and I did my best Pete Townsend windmill thing. I'd seen them at Woodstock, I had it down.

Like I said...stoned. Immaculate. The sun was shining, she was sparkling, and I was singing, looking forward to the scream at the end. I could scream better than Daltry. Better than Janis Joplin even. The girls dig a good rockin' scream.

"Yeeeeaaargh" I belted it out.

"We won't get fooled again!"

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The following questions are from an actual CENTCOM press briefing late in the invasion of Iraq. The answers are why you'll never see me in such an environmnt.

CENTCOM NEWS RELEASE
HEADQUARTERS UNITED STATES CENTRAL COMMAND
April 15, 2003
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
TRANSCRIPT OF 4/15 CENTCOM BRIEFING

UNITED STATES CENTRAL COMMAND OPERATIONAL UPDATE BRIEFING
BRIEFER: GREYHAWK
LOCATION: IN MY DREAMS
TIME: 7:04 A.M. EDT
DATE: TUESDAY, APRIL 15, 2003

GREYHAWK: Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon. Yadda yadda yadda okay now your questions. Yes, Adi.

Q Adi Rival, ABC News. Regarding fugitive regime leaders, there are reports now that some of them may have left Iraq to go into Syria and other countries. Is there a rewards program set up for every single member of the top 55? And also, do you have DNA of most of these regime leaders in your -- at CENTCOM? Thank you.

GREYHAWK: 'Maybe' on the reward thing. Would that lead you to tell us where they are? And DNA? we might have some. Why, do you want to donate from your collection? Or do you want DNA as a reward for turning someone in?

Q James Forlong (sp) from Sky News. You've mentioned you've got Saddam Hussein's DNA. Do you also have Bashar Al-Assad's DNA?

GREYHAWK: You people's obsession with DNA is really creeping me out here, okay? Can any of you explain DNA? Or do you just use it in sentences? Are you collecting and trading this stuff? I mean really, do you want to clone somebody or what?

Yes, please.

Q Pam Sampson (sp), Associated Press. Can you please comment on reports that the Iraqi army's western An Bahr (ph) command surrendered today to U.S. forces?

GREYHAWK: We do have a rumor that the 12 guys who may have survived Air Force bombing runs might have given up.

Please.

Q General, Paul Adams, BBC. Do you have details of an incident reported in Mosul which may have involved fatalities and possibly involved American forces?

GREYHAWK: I think your referring to what we call the war. People are getting hurt and even killed.

Please.

Q (Inaudible) -- New York Times. Not to beat a dead horse, but to return for a second to the DNA question, you said you do have samples of DNA material from the Hussein family. Please tell us where, when, how and from whom they were obtained.

GREYHAWK: Listen freak, we're not giving you any DNA samples, okay? If you have some youd like to contribute we'd appreciate that. Otherwise forget about it.

Yes, ma'am, in the back.

Q (Inaudible) -- BBC. We have reports that you are searching sites -- this is fairly constantly raised -- for weapons of mass destruction. Will you be bringing in or inviting in any impartial body to help you with the search, possibly the U.N. weapons inspectors?

GREYHAWK: Yes, as soon as it can be reliably determined that Hell has frozen over.

Yes, sir, please.

Q Michael Weiskopf, Time Magazine. What is the price on Saddam's head?

GREYHAWK: Two Billion Iraqi Dinar.

Yes, please.

Q (Inaudible) -- ABC Television Australia. Can you confirm this report around that the commander of the Republican Guard Baghdad reached an agreement with American forces to surrender and get his men to quit and go home in exchange for transfer, via an Apache helicopter, to an undisclosed safe haven?

GREYHAWK: It's true, these people will do anything for a helicopter ride. In fact the reward for Saddam is now Two Billion Iraqi Dinar and a helicopter ride.

Yes, sir, please.

Q (Inaudible) -- Al Jazeera. Actually, I've just been back from southern Iraq up to Nasiriyah, and I've witnessed the humanitarian efforts. And they were going up -- I mean, finding our way slowly. And actually can you give us some sort of a breakdown as to how much human aid have you injected into that area? What was taken from Iraqi warehouses from the stocks of the oil-for-food? What did you provide yourselves? And on the medical sort of thing, do you have all the answers to all the cases that are there?

GREYHAWK: I said please and you forgot to say "thank you". So sit down and shut up.

Yes, please, Chas?

Q Chas Henry, WTOP Radio. Thank you Greyhawk. Can you give us a sense of the scope and scale of the coalition's effort to hunt for weapons of mass destruction? How many people are involved in this effort? Dozens? Hundreds? And how are they focusing their efforts?

GREYHAWK: Now, this is a good question. I believe we've got 250,000 armed inspectors combing Iraq freely right now, with no UN or Iraqi restrictions.

In the back, please? And then I'll come to you next.

Q Pat Doyle (ph) from the Minneapolis Star Tribune. Given the emphasis in the beginning of the campaign on eliminating weapons of mass destruction and getting rid of Saddam Hussein, if coalition forces are unable to capture or verify that Hussein is dead, either using DNA or some other process, and if they are unable to find unambiguous weapons of mass destruction, will the campaign have been less than a success?

GREYHAWK: Yes, dipshot. It will be declared a complete failure and we'll all go home in shame. By the way, thanks for making the trip from Viking country, moron. Hot enough for ya?

Yes, please, Paul. I'm sorry, I promised to go to her, and then I'll come right back to you. Please?

Q I'm Karen Sloan (ph) with AP Radio. I had two questions. One was getting back to the antiquities issue. Asking people to return things now is kind of like shutting the barn door after the horse has bolted. Why did the coalition, when it went to great lengths to protect oil facilities not go to any lengths at all apparently to protect some of the museums in Baghdad that had great antiquities?

My second question is we are hearing some reports of anti-American demonstrations in Nasiriyah in conjunction with the political meeting going on there. Do you have any comment on that?

GREYHAWK: We are here for a war. Someone should have told you before you came over to see the museum. I see where you are disappointed. Sorry our troops were busy dealing with people who were trying to kill them. It's criminal what happened. Why didn't the AP protect the museum? As to the demonstrations, as I am trying to explain to you, we just had a war and a lot of these people are a little ticked off at us for shooting at them, okay? We hope they'll get over it but we'll see.

Please, Paul?

Q Hi, it's Paul Hunter, from Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. Yesterday you came close as Tikrit was falling. Do you today declare the major military operations in this war finished?

GREYHAWK: Okay, sure. The war is over. Anyone else gets killed by US troops from now on it's a crime and we'll investigate it as such, okay dipshot?

Yes, please.

Q General, Pete Smallowitz from Knight Ridder. With more than 50 Iraqi leaders who are captured or who surrendered, what happens next with them? Is there a trial? Is there a sentencing? And how long does that process take? How will it work?

GREYHAWK: This is war. Trial, sentencing, execution, two weeks tops. So don't try anything stupid.

Yes, ma'am, please?

Q (Off mike) -- of Reuters. Can I ask what the situation is along the Syrian border? I know in the past you've said you control at least one of the border crossings. Do you control the whole border? Is it possible for leaders to cross over there? Is there evidence that they are doing so or that weapons of mass destruction have been taken over there?

GREYHAWK: Yes. We've got men spaced every six feet along the entire length of all borders of Iraq. No one leaves til we find the Top Dogs, the WMD, and all that stuff from the museum. I suggest you people check your luggage very carefully to make sure no one "planted any antiquities" on you, okay?

Thanks very much, I'll be here all week...

_______________________________________

Ooglay Hussein's diary 25 March 2003:

So now you are thinking you know war is bad? Not the half of the bad things you are knowing! I am Ooglay and for my glorious father i would hand pull a wagon full of nuclear, biological and chemical weapons to the syrian border except that i just drove it there and it was a truck!

Now I will tell you where I have been: After my beating my brothers took me and hoisted me up on the flagpole on the roof of the last standing ministry of defense building here in Baghdad!! And all that day and into the night I stayed there on top of the empty building, like hello american missile pilots, here is Ooglay shoot me!! And Uday was thinking he was very funny to be shining the russian laser guidance beam on me that night from across the street! D**n the russians! We shine their useless guidance lasers on the museums and the mosques and they are not hit ever!! The Russians will pay for selling useless crap to my angry father, I will be telling you!! Well Allah be praised Ooglay was spared when the Americans did not come that night! So I am thinking Good they maybe are starting on Teheran (this should be making you protestors angry!) but the next day they still leave me up flapping all day. And so they would the next night but my mother, praise upon her wondrous beauty, arrived on the bus from Umm Qasr and gave Uday a beating with his own cane and made him take me down! And I am not knowing what she did to my illustrious father but he has stopped drawing his pistol now when I enter the room!

So it is I Ooglay, who is knowing that war is dangerous!!!

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